(Closed) so lost…need to face reality…so confused

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Your dad would be much happier losing any deposits than seeing you married to someone whose life ambition and fundamental values differ so much from your own. You two are not the right match and 106k won’t fix that.  Eat the deposits, hold your head up, and move on!

Post # 33
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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@LadyMoriarty:  So were the two other dots at the end of every sentance.

Post # 34
Member
11529 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

OK. As someone who is also a person of faith, who is married to a pastor, and who is probably old enough to be your mother, I’m going to give it to you straight:  You KNOW what you need to do.  You KNOW you not only SHOULD walk away, but also you TRULY, ABSOLUTELY NEED to walk away from this relationship.  What’s keeping you from doing what you KNOW you HAVE to do is the fact that you are still hoping against hope, trying to find SOME way, SOME HOW to salvage this relationship so that you can avoid losing all of the time, effort, money, and prestige associated with having this amazing, dream, platinum wedding.

You know in your heart of hearts that, if you walk away from this huge investment in this amazing production, it is quite likely that you will never, ever have access to this type of wedding again, and you just don’t want to let go of this dream now that all of these resources have been spent.  This is a once in a lifetime chance for you to be the fairy princess in a major production, and the thought of never having the opportunity in the future is completely unsettling to you.  That’s why you’re trying to find some way to FIX this so that you can be happy.  That’s the reason you would be willing to walk away from him in a HEARTBEAT right now, IF ONLY things hadn’t gotten this far.

What you need to do is to take a giant step back, and take a deep breath, and see your struggle with this decision for what it is.  It’s terrible that things were permitted to go this far. It’s terrible that your parents are going to lose a boatload of cash on a wedding that cannot happen.  And it’s terrible that you’re going to have to go through a painful breakup and the grief that you’re going to feel by letting go of this incredible dream you’ve had. However, NONE OF THOSE THINGS IS WORTH RUINING YOUR LIFE.  They’re just not.  Your life and your future and your future children’s future are all more important than this platinum weddding.  You need to understand and act on that.

You’ve mentioned instant messaging.  WB doesn’t have that, but it does have private messaging.  I will be happy to converse with you about your situation via PM if you’d like.

Post # 35
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Who gives a crap about a dream wedding if the marriage is going to suck? You know what made my wedding my dream wedding? The guy waiting for me at the end of the aisle.

I think you know in your gut what to do. Believe me…You can have your dream wedding later to the right guy. I called off a wedding once, and it sucked. It hurt. And you know what? I met my now husband 5 months later and have never been so happy in my life. Listen to your gut and give yourself that same chance. You’re not giving up your dream wedding. You’re just postponing it to wait on your dream guy to complete it.

Post # 36
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

$103,000 wedding? whoa.

anyway. you two seem to have completely different values. would the marriage last forever? odds are, it wouldn’t. don’t go through with it if it’s just a sham. it won’t work anyway. i hope you call it off and your father can get a lot of his money back…

Post # 37
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hi OP, just checking in to see if you’re ok and if you have any update for us? Did you talk to him again and did you make the deadline you had? I think Brielle had some really super helpful insights that perhaps will help you further with your decision. Hugs!

Post # 41
Member
11280 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@smileyme:  

 

I caught that part about him getting physical as well.  That makes things so much worse.  We can add abuser to his list of sterling qualities.

Post # 42
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

some posters asked these questions and you be haven’t replied.do you work? Why did you cancel the wedding the first  time?sounds like he didn’t have a pot to pee in before you two were married ( leaving next store to his mother in a shady neighbohood)…does sound like a good SES ( socio economic) match. How old are you?

He sounds depressed…

he doesn’t sound like the right man for you. 

Maybe you can talk to the vendors and explain the situation. My friend had to cancel a wedding and when she explained the reason why (abuse) and said ”  When I get married, I will be using you” a lot of them were kind and said that she could reserve their services for a later date… She got married to someone new a year and a half later. 

Post # 43
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

How long did you two date for?

Post # 44
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@heatherhef5:  You just are not happy.  This (aside from having babies) should be the happiest time of your life.  If you are already resenting him for what is or is not doing, will continue to grow and only lead to more resentment.  He got physical one time…….and you are still with him?  Speaking from experience, a man who can find allowances to “get physical” even one time, will find it easier the next time.  I realize that your family has put a lot into this, but you need to listen to your gut.  It there are ANY red flags, do not do it!!  It is much easier to call it off now than it is to wait until later.  I am so sorry that this is so hard for you.  You deserve better, and you deserve happiness!!  

Post # 45
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@heatherhef5:  He is probably discouraged because he already knows that he will never be able to support you in the lifestyle to which you are accustomed and as a result, does nothing. I take it you don’t need him to make millions, just show some ambition?

Post # 46
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@heatherhef5:  

Wow..you have been through a lot in the past year. Planning your wedding is supposed to be the happiest time in your life. Any stress that you may have should be washed away by the support of your fiance….he should not be the one making you stressed. My mother always told me, prior to marriage, a man is on his best behavior. If he is already acting out now before you are married, how is he going to act after you two are married? Is this really how you want to start your marriage? Your man should be your biggest confidant and support system and from what you are saying, he is not that. He obviously has  lot of issues in his own life to resolve and cannot handle dealing with the issues in your relationship. He probably needs some counselling because for him to just up a quit his job when he knows that he has a family to provide for and a wedding to pay for just makes no sense. Did you two have any premarital counselling? It is needed…..Good luck.

 

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