(Closed) so lost…need to face reality…so confused

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
1037 posts
Bumble bee

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@heatherhef5:  What are you talking about?? I didn’t correct your grammar! I said:

I don’t think you deserve to be treated so poorly. I’m sorry you’re going through this


Why did he quit his job in the first place?

I wouldn’t be able to deal with someone like that.

There’s NOTHING wrong with the woman being the “bread winner” but if a couple needs BOTH people to be working, that’s a completely different story. You need him to be financially responsible to help out, and he doesn’t sound like he really wants to do that. 

I think your options are limited. You can either accept him for who he is (unambitious and lazy) or you can break it off and find someone who is goal-oriented, driven and motivated!

You could try couples counseling and see if that helps, but I would definitely hold off the wedding until these problems get resolved. **hugs**”


I think you have me confused with someone else. Go back and read through the comments.

Post # 48
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you marry a jerky asshole your wedding is far from being a dream wedding.  Money and the ceremony doesn’t make a dream wedding…the relationship makes a dream wedding.

Talk to your father and cancel this farce.  Truthfully, he’ll be losing his money either way and he would much rather be out the money and have you happy than be out the money and have you miserable.  Good luck to you.

Post # 51
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Well, I dunno, I see a bit dfferent picture here, but I may just be misinterpreting the information you’ve given.

The issue of going through his retirement funds at age 30-something doesn’t seem like a very big deal – it can’t have been that much anyway, at this point. It’s my sense that you have been rather insensitive to his situation while busily planning your blow-out wedding. Even at today’s inflated prices, a wedding costing more than $100,000 is a ridiculous indulgence for young folks a budget. Im not sure what you can possibly have been thinking!

He may have felt entirely helpless, in the face of your extravagance, to do much besides sign for all those contracts. You pretty much took all the decisions out his hands while relying on your parents to shell out for your high-cost wedding – and he’s probably scared to death at the thought of a wife who has no self-control when it comes to getting what she wants.

I’m not meaning to sound hard-hearted, and as I said I may have misunderstood, but if you truly bothered by his laid-back nonassertiveness, why on earth did you agree to marry him? I hear a lot in your post about what what you think he’s supposed to do for you, but what seems to be lacking is a sense of real partnership, of working together to build your life as a couple, now and into the future.

Post # 52
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

OP, did you even read any of the other posts? It drives me nuts when people post, ask for advice, let other posters waste their time posting responses, don’t respond to any questions posed, and then return to thread to announce that they’ve decided to do the exact opposite thing that everyone suggested. Why post here in the first place? You’re in a relationship with someone that doesn’t have the same goals as you – someone that physically hurt you. Don’t you want to think about this some more? Maybe actually read some of the othet posts here?

Post # 53
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t think about the wedding, think about whether or not you want to marry him.  Honestly, it sounds like he’s having a tough time and needs some serious support to get back on his feet. 

If you’re not feeling compassion for him about this, then chances are you don’t have the strong emotional connection you need to make marrying him a good idea.  Either because he’s lost your trust, or because you’re just not that into the person he is.  If you truly love him, you probably feel a little lost because you want to help him and don’t know how.  Do you want to be the person he turns to in times of need?  Has he ever done that for you?  That’s really the question for you.  You’re getting ready to pledge loyalty and love through good times and bad – and here’s your first test of a bad time.

Don’t marry him just to have the wedding.  It’ll diminsh the meaning of your dream wedding, it will feel weird and sad, and it will prolong a bad situation for both of you.  Don’t become his care taker if that’s not what you want in a partnership.  Don’t think about the money – it’s gone.  You don’t get that money back if you go through with it! 

But if you are still thinking about spending your life with him and don’t want to lose him, then you need to shift your thinking to how you can help him come out of the dark place he’s in.  If all you can think of is how he’s let you down, then I don’t see you being happy with things going forward.  I think it’s good to sacrifice and give to your partner, but it’s not good to let yourself get sucked into an unhealthy situation, or one where you’ll brew your own dark time.

Post # 54
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That really blows! But think of how much happeir you will be with someone who deserves you, and actually WANTS to take care of you financially, especially someone without a nosy Mom down the street!

Post # 55
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

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@cmbr:  +1

I have a feeling a good portion of her incentive for posting this was to let everyone know how much was getting spent on her glorious ‘platinum wedding’. 



Post # 56
3696 posts
Sugar bee

Forgive my cynicism, but the OP really just seems to want attention. Despite the title of the thread, she has no intention of facing reality. She’s bound and determined to buy herself a 100K platinum dream disaster. Hope she enjoys the party.

Post # 57
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This thread reads like total nonsense. 

Post # 58
4369 posts
Honey bee

If this guy is as irresponsible, belittling, feckless, and without ambition as you say, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with him? It seems all you care about is your platinum wedding. At this point, why don’t you just throw a platinum party and not commit yourself to an underwhelming husband?

Post # 61
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@heatherhef5:  I apologize if I have offeneded or insulted you.

I really hope that you will give some consideration to what everyone has posted here.  I have been hit by a man (coward).  A real man does not EVER strike a lady for ANY reason EVER.  I promise you if he has done it one time, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.  I only tell you this because there is no other situation, that is harder to escape from than this kind.  

This is YOUR day, and in the end you will make the decision that you feel is best.  Again, I apologize if I insulted you.

Good luck!

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