So many feelings..

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

So, the summary of everything is that you and your younger sister had a hard upbringing with a manipulative mother. You’ve worked to overcome your issues, but sister is still being manipulated by mother. Now, your sister has told your father that she will not be coming to your wedding unless your mother is invited as well. Additionally your sister uses humor/laughter to deflect from uncomfortable situations, instead of hashing out her feelings. Sound about right?

First, I’m sorry you are going through this. Engagements are supposed to be a happy time, but so frequently they bring stress and sadness. My first suggestion is to speak with your sister yourself. Don’t just take your dad’s word for it. You say you’ve been texting, why not give her a call and talk with her about being a bridesmaid like you mentioned in your post? The worst thing that can happen is she confirms what she told your dad. Until then though, it’s just hearsay. 

If she does confirm what your father has said, explain the reasons why you can’t invite your mother and tell her the offer stands if she changes her mind. She very well might soften on the stance before the wedding comes. 

If she continues to insist she will not be coming, and actually doesn’t show to the wedding. Remember that at the end of the day you are marrying a wonderful person, who will become your new family. Your chosen family! You will have plenty of other people around to celebrate the day.  Don’t stress about having a certain number of bridesmaids etc. Lots of people get married without any, and in the long run it doesn’t matter! 

Post # 3
Member
9703 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
cabowedding2019 :  

View original reply
riverqt :  is spot on . Try a calm actual conversation , even over the phone will do , without crying and rehashing past details or past offences by your mother or anybody. Write down  what you need to say (and NOT say) before you do it 

Just reiterate that  your mother is not invited  but that you really want her, as  your sister , to be bridesmaid anyway  . If she says no way, then calmly say you are very sorry about that and if she changes her mind let you know in x (short) amount of time.

Alterantively , unless  you think your mother will engage in some sort of unacceptable behaviour , can you not invite her – not  as reward or because you really want her there, but just  to make things easier all round for you ?  

Post # 4
Member
7506 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I guess I’d take a different perspective and say do NOT offer to make her a bridesmaid because you have no idea what sort of manipulative things your mum might say to her before the wedding. The last thing you want is to think you’ve made things well with her and then have her not show up or do something to make a scene. So by all means attempt to have a reasonable discussion with her, but I wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid even if things go well. And I guarantee no one will think twice about you not having your sister as a bridesmaid. They will simply assume you were closer to your friends. It is VERY common not to have family members in the bridal party.

I’m sorry that things are so tough, and I’m sorry that you are feeling so down, but no one else can always be your “rock”. People have their own lives and their own issues. I realize it is so much easier said than done, but try to dismiss your sister from your mind. Go on and celebrate your engagement. You say she is the type to laugh and avoid, so either call her and get the discussion out of the way or just avoid it entirely and send her an invitation, but don’t let this ruin your engagement and/or your engagement party. Engage with other family and smile and avoid her, just like she does the issues. You cannot MAKE her care or even engage in an adult discussion about it if she doesn’t want to, so you need to stop allowing her to have so much power over your emotional state.

Post # 6
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You do not need to have your sister in your bridal party – absolutely no one will think anything of it if you choose to go with friends instead. And I’m with PP here that inviting her into the wedding party may end up causing a lot more pain, heartache and potential drama or problems. 

I hope that she will come to her senses and attend the wedding. Absolutely agree with PPs that you should try a calm approach. But don’t ask her to be a bridesmaid.

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