so much invitation drama/sad

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@fmrsnavywife:  You really should have talked to your parents about this beforehand. I can totally understand why they are hurt over this and unfortunately there’s not a whole lot you can do now to make it better. Definitely meet with your parents in person so you and your Fiance can appologize for hurting them and thank them again for their generousity in paying for the wedding. Write a public thanks to them in the wedding program to express your gratitude as well.

Post # 4
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

if you are having a traditional wedding, you should have put your parents’ names on the invite as they are technically hosting it (paying for most of it).  i am surprised that your fi was so upset with this. it’s traditional.  i would have talked to my parents about the invite wording before ordering them because that is a bit of a slap in the face for your parents.  hopefully they are not so upset with this that they pull their contribution.  i’ve heard that happening before.  i am not sure what you can do now, maybe acknowledge your parent’s generosity and thank them during your speeches.

Post # 5
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Agreed not a lot you can so now but apologize and write or say something that thanks them for ll they have done. 

Post # 6
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I don’t really have any great suggestions for you. I mean the ideal situation would have been to talk to your folks about this since they are paying for most of the wedding before you ordered the invitations. However, you can’t change the past.

Honestly, I would just talk to your folks about the situation and what things you might be able to do to honor them in an appropriate way at the ceremony or reception. Maybe you can give a speech at the reception thanking your folks for many things in life, but mentioning how the wedding of your dreams was only possible with their support or something like that.

Your Fiance may not want to honor your parents for their contribution, but if you and your folks are the only ones contributing to this event, then he really just needs to get over himself. He’s being disrespectful to his future in-laws with that kind of attitude – especially if his family was eager to boost your guest list by so much without contributing a dime.

In fact, whenever you talk to your folks, your Fiance really needs to be part of trying to make this situation right. It sounds like you only landed in this hot water because his pressure to do it his way.

Post # 7
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I definitely agree with PP that their names probably should have been on the invites and so I understand why they’re upset.  At this point, I agree with you both apologizing and thanking them for their contribution.  It might also be nice to publicly thank them at the wedding or something.  You can also ask them to make a speech welcoming everyone and thanking them for coming to the wedding, which will symbolize the fact that they are hosting it. 

Your Fiance needs to know that his opinion is wrong on this.  If his parents will be upset about not being included on this then they would have to financially contribute.  That’s just the way the tradition works.

Post # 8
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

hindsight is a beautiful thing, your parents should have been acknowledged on the invite as they are hosting (paying for it).  i would apologize to your parents and hope they get over it.  goodluck

edit:  btw who cares if your future inlaws feel bad about not being acknowledged on the invites – thats their drama not yours

Post # 9
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have to agree with @eloping‘s last sentiment. They don’t get to pick and choose which parts of the wedding will remain traditional and which will not. They are in the wrong, along with your Fiance.

Post # 11
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fmrsnavywife:  I think you are taking steps in the right direction. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@fmrsnavywife:  I like a PP suggestion of publically thanking them at the wedding reception for hosting the wedding. Say something along the lines of “without them this day would not be possible” and then present them with a gift.

If your inlaws get upset, remind them you paid for 110 of their friends to eat

Post # 13
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Apologize sincerely, and when speeches are given at your reception, make sure that you thank your family, “without whom we would not have been able to have this event.” (Make sure you also thank your FI’s family for being supportive, just to minimize the drama.)

That being said — he also needs to chill out. It’s an etiquette mistake for sure, but no one is going to scrutinize the invitations that closely. I’m not sure whether there are underlying tensions with your family or not, but to jump from “we screwed up on invite wording” to “you have no respect for your family” is kinda nuclear.

FWIW — my folks are paying the lion’s share by far, but Fiance and I are technically hosting the event. “village_skeptic and Mr. Skeptic, along with their parents Mom and Dad Skeptic and Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law Skeptic invite you…” My parents were more comfortable with this.

Post # 15
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry that you have ended up in this situation, but in all honesty, the person/people paying for the wedding should have been listed on the invite. If your FH was upset that your parents were going to be honored on the invite and not his, then they should have also contributed to the wedding. I feel for your parents and think that they have every right to be upset. Unfortunately, everything is already said and done. The only suggestion I may have is that you first and formost apologize for not incluing them or even asking them their opinions. The second, is possibly at the wedding during your thank you speech, you thank them personally, maybe with a personalized thank you gift or something in front of everyone and mention how if it was not for them and their support, your wedding would not have been possible.

I would be very upset with your FH. And as a pp noted, he needs to be apologizing and trying to rectify the situation.

Post # 15
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My family and my fiancee’s family are both contributing significantly to the wedding so both sets of parents are listed on the invitation. I stuck to the rule that whoever pays, that is who is on the invitation. It also looks nice. I have seen more modern invitations that read “together with their families”, ect. but I like the traditional wording “Dr. and Mrs. So-and-So invite you to the wedding of their daughter…” And also I ran the wording of the invitation by both sets of parents before I ordered them (and it was a good thing I did too because her father is actually “Dr.” and I had originally written “Mr.” He said he wouldn’t have minded if I had written Mr. but now I’m glad I ran it by them and corrected the error.)

 

During the wedding, when you do the thank yous (usually during the dessert hour), you should thank your father for hosting the event. That way, he gets the recognition he (rightly) deserves and it politely communicates to the guests that he paid for the event.

My fiancee and I were very cautious with our guest list. We were afraid of going over our budget, and so we split the invites right down the middle, but more of my family RSVP’d yes. Her mother’s side of the family all declined. I know her mother is a little upset about this, but we extended the invitation, and that’s all we can do. But anyway my point is that although the wedding costs were shared fairly I believe, more of my family will be represented at the wedding. But of course we’re all going to be family by the end of the night! 

Honestly I feel like this is just a matter of the OP not knowing that the wording of the invitation is a strong indicator of who is paying. Acually, that one invitation that read “Together with their families” that was a bit surprising to me because I know for a fact the bride’s family covered nearly the entire cost of the wedding.

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