Post # 1
Help! My entire engagement has been filled with such negativity. It is not at all how I imagined it would be and am more looking forward to my wedding being over than I am for the wedding. I love my fiance and cant wait to marry him but I feel like the joy of the day has been sucked out.
It started the night of my engagement, when I told my little sister and Maid/Matron of Honor, she cried and took her boyfriend to a jewlery store to buy and engagment ring the next day. I set my date and she set hers two months later. Every aspect of my wedding has been something to get through so we can move on to her wedding. Not to mention my soon to be mother in law has been a nightmare! To the point where my fiance doesnt want her at the wedding.
I just am so heartbroken. Words of wisdom? Anyone else dealing with negativity? How do you cope?
Post # 2
Thats totally awful!!! I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. It’s unfourtunate that girls in general are always envious when others get engaged, but most can look past that and be happy for the other. And she’s your sister 🙁
Have you tried talking to her or your family about how you feel?
The Mother-In-Law issue: I’m in the same boat, the only thing she cares about is what color she is wearing or where can she get her makeup done, or her her her
Post # 3
Wow.. That’s a lot in one short post!!
Can you expand a bit on your sister/your relationship with her? Has she acted like this before with big milestones? If she is your younger sister, it could be possible she feels overshadowed, or perhaps insignificant in some way. What’s her SO (now Fiance!) like? Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with her about her engagement and wedding, and why the timeline is so close to yours? If not, I would recommend doing this, not in an attacking manner whatsoever. Maybe you two could meet up for lunch, in private, and you could bring it up.
In regards to your future Mother-In-Law, what is she doing? It would be helpful to know a few more details before giving any advice on that!
This all sounds like a nightmare and a lot to deal with, on top of planning a wedding. Take deep breaths and remember, after the wedding is over you get to be married to your love!
Post # 4
honeybee730: My Maid/Matron of Honor was a big ball of negativity for no apparent reason. (She had already been married over a year, didn’t “miss” the spotlight at all, and loves my husband.) It got REALLY BAD to the point where I,too, was just waiting for the damn thing to be over. My solution was to stop involving her in the wedding at all. We put an embargo on wedding talk. It meant I didn’t really talk to her much and had basically no time to see her for the 4 months before the wedding, but it made our relationship much better. Honestly I don’t feel 100% the same about her, but I’m sure we’d have no relationship left if I hadn’t just cut her out of all wedding decisions.
You could say you want your sister to be able to focus on her own wedding, so you’re going to lean on your other BMs/family members to give her some free time if you can’t be honest about what’s going on.
Post # 5
I had a talk with my sister that didnt really go over well but she did start trying a little harder to be more positiive about my wedding. Our entire childhood was her being envious of some aspect of my life and me being told by my parents to make it easier for her. Don’t play whatever sport shes interested in, dont wear a bikini to the beach etc. We’re very different, I’m very type A, very driven, and very active. I think I’m more mad at myself for believing that this ONE time she wouldn’t act this way or be enabled by my parents. Her argument to everything is that her and her fiance were “supposed to” get engaged first because they had been dating longer and that they had called dibs on getting engagedbut hadnt picked out a ring yet.
As for my Mother-In-Law i dont een know where to start. She offered to throw us an engagement party and then told me I couldn’t invite my bridal party. She ordered a black dress with a train to wear to the wedding before I even had my dress. She “gifted us” our honeymoon as a wedding present then three days before the final payment was due decided she didnt want to pay for it anymore. Then she tried to cancel the honeymoon reservation when she found out my parents were going to cover the cost for us and we were going to pay them back. Then she came to the shower and ignored me and my fiance and my entire family. Didn’t even get us a card and when my fiance asked her she claimed she got us a gift and my parents stole it. I’m sure there’s more but thats all I can think of at the moment. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Post # 6
‘Called dibs’ wow. They sound super mature!
Post # 7
WOW. That is so much sh*t I don’t even know what to say. I hope things calm down with her after the wedding! Is your fiance close to her? Does she live in proximity to you? Is she contentious about your relationship?
How you described your relationship makes a lot of sense. From what you said it seems like your sister has a hard time defining herself if it isn’t in relation to you, and she seems pretty competitive. I agree a lot with what the above post said about trying to distance yourself from her during the wedding planning. I don’t see how any more serious discussion would result in anything but anger from your or her side.
Post # 8
I don’t have much advice except don’t tell them any details at all!! If they don’t know they can’t copy it or give their opinion. Say you’re still planning or you want it all to be a surprise.
Post # 9
My best advice is to kill her with kindness. It is likely she’ll stop being so attention-seeking if it isn’t something she perceives she isn’t getting. “Oh, sister, let’s not talk about my wedding [because you don’t want her to have the details], tell me about your bouquet!” “Sister, I’m so glad we’re wedding planning at the same time! Isn’t it great that we get to share this joy?” I’m telling you, you may have to say it through gritted teeth, but I bet she’ll back right down.
Post # 10
Whoa! That’s a lot going on right there!
Unfortunately, people’s behaviours don’t change whilst we are planning a wedding, actually they seem to ramp up. I know why you just wanted your moment without your sister but unfortunately it just doesn’t work like that. Your parents are obviously aware of this rift between you and sister, do they give a reason why they enable her so much or is it just easier. From the siblings I’ve seen in real life, the younger one is always enabled to get away with whatever they want. My husband is the older sibling and so he experiences the same as you with his brother. How do you normally deal with your sister’s personality? You must have developed some coping tactics over the years. It’s not ideal (and obviously not a long term solution) but it might help in the short term. I think at some point you might need a proper talk with your parents about enabling her. An easy talk to have? Not in the least but I think that might be better for your wellbeing in the long run.
Mother-In-Law – did she start acting up when you got engaged or has always been like that? If she’s always been like that, then it’s part of her personality. If she’s started acting out since you’ve become engaged maybe you could sit down with her to understand what the issue. Again not an easy conversation to have.
Post # 11
Your Mother-In-Law sounds like a nightmare, actually she sounds exactly like my MIL! When we were planning our wedding my Mother-In-Law didn’t come to the bridal shower because it was on a saturday, she wore black to the wedding, told me she was crying in the bathroom during the ceremony, refused to talk about the wedding unless it pertained to her (her dress, her hair, her hotel etc.), made rude remarks to other guests including my father, told us our wedding was “ok” and then in the end cried and accused us of not including her? (?!).
I know it sucks when you feel unsupported, especially during such a huge milestone in your life but I just learned to keep on going on. Do what you want to do, try to limit information regarding your wedding to your sister and Mother-In-Law. Theres really nothing you can do to change their attitude/behaviour and if you think about it, it just means there miserable in their lives that they would put energy in making your life difficult on purpose. Your wedding is going to happen regardless of whether they’re support you or not, so try to blur them out and focus on your big day 🙂
Post # 12
Thank you so much everyone! Just being able to get it all out and into the ears of people who can understand has been a huge help. It’s difficult to remember that I can’t control their actions and can only control how I react to them. It’s nice to know that I’m not crazy in being stressed out or dissapointed. My sister will always be my sister, and I think my parents enable her because it’s easier than dealing with the issues at hand. Every now and then she’ll have her positive moments and I’ll have to focus on those and block out the rest. My Mother-In-Law was awful to my fiance when he was growing up, but was always sweet as pie to me until we got engaged. From what my fiance has told me these are her true colors and everything else before hand was just for show. Hopefully I get better at ignoring her behavior instead of letting it consume me.
Post # 13
Just try not to let the stress and anger get to you. You can only control your own actions, not anyone elses. I have had a lot of things happen to me over this past year. I mean A LOT. So much that I’m not even going to get into it lol. But you have to take a deep breath and push on. Talk to your fiance and try to delegate some wedding tasks to him or your bridal party to ease some of the crap off of you. Similarly to you, after we got engaged my fiance’s sister got engaged 2 weeks later. As annoying as it was when I learned about it, I find it mostly funny.
Post # 14
honeybee730: This too shall pass. Hang in there and try not to burn bridges with family.
Post # 15
sounds like a sibling rivalry issue. has your relationship always been this way?