- 10 years ago
I’ve been very upset the last few days, and don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this… so I figured the boards would be a good place. I wish I could afford a marriage/family therapist, or a therapist in general to talk to and get advice from, but can’t fit it into the budget at the moment.
Basically, I have a *lot* of resentment towards my (future) Mother-In-Law, and also a bit towards the rest of their family (for not going along with it). This resentment is starting to chip away at me and FI’s relationship, and I’m really concerned about that. The big reason why I have so much resentment is because she ruined our engagement. I always dreamed of being engaged, and how the proposal would go – as many girls do – and she took that away from me. And of course, I only plan on getting engaged once. Instead of the happy stories of squealing and telling family you’re engaged, she was very unhappy and told Fiance that I was too selfish and spoiled. She brought up stories that were twisted and intereperted them all so that I was the horrible one (there are old posts of mine on this). So instead of being happy following the proposal, I spent that night violently sobbing, and the week following crying on and off, and being very sad that my proposal/engagement and my “welcome into his family” was such a nightmare. I harbor so much resentment towards her for “ruining” this magical moment for me for completely unjustfied reasons.
Since then, other things have built onto this resentment. For example, when Mother-In-Law needed Fiance to help her with a work banquet she was organizing, he said “okay, what date and time do I need to be there?” – she blew up at him, saying how selfish it is that he’s asking these things, how he should be there no matter what date/time she needs him, and its all my fault because prior to my relationship with him, he wouldn’t have asked (which is true to an extent.. he was a momma’s boy). Just this weekend, we invited his family over – a 3 hr commute for them. He called them the morning of and asked them for an ETA, so we could start getting the BBQ stuff ready so they could eat right away. His brother picked up, and said “mom keeps asking why you keep asking what time we’re getting here.. she thinks its really weird” in a very condesencing tone. Later we find out their entire family, on the ride over, was “talking about it”. What is there to talk about?? Why is asking for an ETA rude? And why am I always painted to be the selfish/spoiled one when I do these things? Pisses me off. Of course, theres more things that add to the resentment, but those are some of them.
The breaking point was this: his grandmother (who has been a “vegetable” for the last 6 years… I’m sorry for the insensitive language, I’m not sure what the correct medical terminology is. If someone would englighten me, please let me know so I can change it. Not meant to be offensive) is now in the hospital in Asia, where we are from. Fiance initially acted fine about it, saying shes been gone for the last 6 years anyway, it would be good she can meet God and find peace finally instead of suffering here, and that he didn’t need to see her as he said goodbye to her a before the “coma”. The next morning, after Mother-In-Law told him that he “would need to go to Asia soon”, Fiance said he changed his mind and now wants to go back. And… I’m just mad about it. I’m mad that I think its because of his mom that he now suddenly has to go back. Its a 24-30 hour flight with layovers, one way. We just bought a house, have a LOT of things scheduled, have a new dog and cat, just a lot of things to take care of. Honestly, I don’t know if I can handle all this alone. And our company just had a substantial layoff – and we need our jobs! If Fiance wanted to go back on his own, then no problem. I’m just so resentful that it seems like she always … ruins things, I guess. She ruined our last holiday season because she wouldnt let him spend it with me. And now if he goes back, that will use up all the vacation days due to the long travel, and then we will have to cancel our vacation (which was supposed to make up for not spending any vacation time together the year prior.. because of her).
I am aware this sounds horrible “sugarcube doesnt want Fiance to go see his hospitalized grandmother’. But its not that – like I said, if he wanted to go back, then I’d be supportive and okay with it. But it wasn’t until his mother told him to go back that hes saying now “its not because of mom, its because I changed my mind and wanted to go back” – to be honest, I don’t believe him. I’m so mad and upset and resentful. I’m just sitting here, thinking about everything shes ruined and what a horrible person shes made me out to be – and I’m not! At the very least, not in the way she’s saying I am. Ugh.
I just needed to vent. And I don’t know what to do. The resentment is only getting worse, and I find myself grumpy and cranky to Fiance all the time, snapping to him about things because I’m just still SO angry at his mom. He offered to talk to her about issues (after the grandma thing has blown over) but I bet she’ll say I’m selfish and spoiled for “making” Fi talk to her about it, and it will make everything worse. But if we do nothing.. then I’m so angry all the time.
Sorry that was so long. I needed someone to vent to. Advice please? Be gentle 🙁