- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
I feel like I have talked about this so much on the Bee and with friends so much that people are tired of seeing about it, but some days I just get so frustrated with it.
Several weeks ago, my mother and I went out for dinner. She has never liked FH for ridiculous reasons, but she made a comment about having to get used to the idea since she guessed we were actually going to get married. This was, what I thought, a BIG break for her because she has never brought up the idea of a wedding before. Then, in the next sentence, she tells me about this good looking new police officer that just got hired and that he was 26, as if she’s trying to push me on him. This isn’t the first time she’s done this, so I wasn’t that upset that she brought it up, but I was a little upset because I thought that she was going to at least be a little more lukewarm to the idea.
My mom has complained about FH since we started dating. She is still holding onto the idea that my ex and I will get back together, even though she only started to like him after we broke up. And we broke up because he never held down a job, wanted me to drop out of school, get married and live essentially in his parent’s back yard. He was terrible with money, he never kept up with any reciepts and he was an impulse buyer. I couldn’t depend on him to be on time for anything, but he often left me behind if he wanted to go somewhere and I didn’t make it by the time he wanted to leave. My mom thinks that FH is lazy (despite the fact that he goes to school from 7am to 4 pm every day and then goes to work from 5pm until 10pm 6 days a week). She thinks that FH is a slob because he’s more comfortable in jeans and a t shirt and the only times my mom has even seen my FH he was still in work clothes. She also thinks he’s a slob because he has facial hair, and my mom doesn’t like facial hair on her men. She thinks FH is too old fashioned. She’s also upset because I took in FH’s cat after he moved to an apartment that wasn’t pet friendly. And now they are mad because his parent’s aren’t financially able to take care of another animal. My mom seems to think that FIL’s financial plights are bullshit and is just an excuse to leave me stuck with an animal.
It’s ridiculous. I’m marrying FH, not my mom. Her wants in a man are not mine. She’s never even made an effort to meet FH’s parents even though they have asked several times if my parents would like to go to dinner. My stepdad kind of knows FH’s parents, but only through their parents and church.
On the other hand, FH’s parents have been wonderful. They welcomed me into their family whole heartedly and include me in everything, even inviting me over to Thanksigiving dinners. I’m invited to almost everything they do. They send me Christmas cards and birthday cards and Future Mother-In-Law calls me often just to check on me. FIL’s are both excited about the wedding and have said they will do whatever they can to help up get it together. Future Mother-In-Law asks me about wedding planning every time I see her.
I’m just so tired of it. FH knows somewhat how my mother feels and it hurts him and makes him angry. I’ve never really wanted a traditional wedding, but knowing how my mom feels just makes me that much more set in having a JOP wedding with just a few people there that are honestly happy for us. Sometimes I just want to tell my mother that I’m getting married, there’s nothing she can do about it and she doesn’t have to be a part of anything if she can’t be happy for me. But, at the same time, I don’t want to ruin my relationship with her because we usually get along great. And I’ve said as much to her before, in a way, and she seems fine with it for a little while but then goes right back into this. And then she tells me that when I get married, I shouldn’t expect any kind of help from her if FH and I ever got into a bind. It upsets me so much, because my grandparents didn’t approve of my mom’s first marriage, but if she and her first husband were in a bad financial situation, my grandparent’s still helped. Not saying that I’m expecting them to hand over $500 because I want new jeans, but I’m also not naive enough to believe that FH and I will never have any financial hardships and it would be great to know that I would have some help if I needed it.
And it’s just my mom. My stepdad is pretty neutral about it because I’m an adult.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I should try with her anymore. We’re planning on getting married next year but I don’t want to tell her that we’ve set a date. I dread talking to her about anything wedding related because she ignores it, changes the subject or goes on a rant about how she doesn’t like FH.
I’m sorry it’s so long, but it’s been weighing on my mind a lot today and I don’t have anyone to talk to because my friends have never been through something like this and they think my mom is great and is just upset that her daughter is getting married and that she’ll come around. And I don’t see it that way. I legitimately believe she’ll never be happy and she’ll only tolerate FH for my sake.