(Closed) So my crazy parents just made me cancel my first vacation with my bf

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
hermionegranger:  cut the cord. If you know that this is how they will act, stop letting them in on your plans and certainly don’t entertain these tantrums from them because it won’t matter if you move to another continent- their controlling behavior will continue to affect your relationship and also your life if you allow it to. My friend had a similar situation for many years. As soon as she pulled away, stopped visiting or talking about her boyfriend they started to make more of an effort to be understanding and welcoming. I can go on for days with the craziness she went through including the time they decided to “surprise her” in her town and she spent the night at her boyfriends and they filed a missing person report with the police and then made up a whole bunch of nonsense about her being kidnapped and also was the victim of domestic abuse which was outrageous and all of them knew it. It took years but they finally got over their shit. In order for your parents to get over theirs you need to stop giving them the option of still controlling you. No more “running anything by them” or asking for advice. Live your life and don’t let them feel that they can do this and you will give in.

Post # 18
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You told them about this vacation not once but THREE TIMES by my count. Why did you keep bringing it up when you knew they were going to try to intervene? You may not recognize this dynamic but it sounds to me like you were asking for permission or at least seeking their approval (which you know you won’t get).

Bottom line: what are they really going to do if you go? Yell at you? Stop calling you constantly? Act upset for the rest of their lives? So what? I think you need to recognize that when you share things with them there will be conflict and you need to find a way to deal with the anxiety of that conflict. You clearly are uncomfortable with the idea of them being upset but if you can find a way to push through that emotion and stand your ground you’ll be able to start setting boundaries regardless of their reactions.

Post # 19
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My parents are the same exact way. (They’re Mexican) I’m also dating a white boy and according to my parents, white people do everything differently and are more liberal than us and dont have the same respect for their parents as we do… Blah blah. It’s all old school bullshit!

I am in my 30s as are my sisters and my parents have tried to pull this card on us. We’ve all been married before too!! And we are still not “allowed” to have sex, spend the night, etc.

Well I eventually got tired of it. I lived on my own for a while (they insisted I live with them because I was single after my divorce!), eventually moved in with my then bf (they were soooo upset), got engaged and moved out of state. 

I love my parents but they’re nuts. Im a proud Mexican American but Jesus, Im in my THIRTIES!! 

My sister came to visit me in March with her new bf of 6 months and my mom had a shit attack. She told her she was acting like a woman from the streets (what?!? 🙄), she was disrespecting her family and gave her the silent treatment for like 1.5 months! It was crazy. 

Go on vacation. Enjoy your bf and just pull the phone away from your ear when they find out. 

the longer you submit to them, the longer they will control you. We (my sisters and I ) have gotten to the point that we either don’t tell the what we are doing, we lie or we just tell them and then ignore what they say. 

Post # 20
1422 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

No. Adults, who live independently, do not let their parents dictate their vacations and who they’re with. 

Go on vacation. Live your life, do not live for your parents unless you feel like what they are saying is also how you feel, as an adult. 

Post # 21
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
hermionegranger:  UGH.  I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

But…why couldn’t you just NOT tell them about your vacation?  It’s not ideal, but it’s better than starting world war III with them.  Your mom made it clear the two previous times that you brought it up that she didn’t approve…why keep bringing it up?  Then you could just go on your vacation in peace and they’d be none the wiser. 

Honestly, I have a good number of friends who are Indian who have really traditional parents and they deal with it this way.  Is it great?  No, but I think that parents sort of prefer to be kept in the dark.  I think they are most worried about being embarassed in front of others.  I have one friend who’s boyfriend was a secret for years, YEARS before they eventually got married at about age 27.  It was difficult for them, but was the way to make things work.

And I can see your BFs point…if he’s the white devil (jk) planning to marry their sweet virginal daughter he doesn’t want to get on their bad side only 1 year into the relationship.  He’s playing the long game here.  I agree with you that he’s a total saint.


Post # 21
2374 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is going to sound harsh, but your parents didn’t make you cancel your vacation. You made that choice. You volunteered the trip information to them, knowing how they’ve acted in the past. That’s on you. (And FWIW, my mom’s Asian, I get the insane parent thing) 

Moving forward, stop volunteering information. Just stop. If you’re at dinner and they ask about future plans, just say “nothing major, busy with work”,  and move on. If you’re bound and determined to tell them that you’ll be on vacation, send an email before you leave and just write “I’m out of town for a few days, limited cell phone access, I’ll let you know when I’m back and we’ll catch up!”.  And don’t take their calls while you’re away. 

Go on your trip. Have fun, and enjoy time with your boyfriend. They’ll get over it, or they won’t, but it’s not their life. 

And find a good pet sitter, it’ll save you stress. 

Post # 22
3356 posts
Sugar bee

All you have taught them is that need to go to X level (dad shouting and threatening to disown you). 

How would they even know if you went?

Stop telling them things you know they won’t approve of. It’s almost like you are sabotaging yourself and want them to flip out do you can’t go. You knew this was their reaction yet you kept bringing it up. Stop poking a sleeping bear.

Post # 24
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Well done.  You’ve just proved to both your parents and your boyfriend that you aren’t a functioning adult. 

If I was your boyfriend I’d make you pay the whole price of the holiday and then dump you.

Post # 25
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
hermionegranger:  Ok, so if you aren’t going to take anyone’s advice what is the point of this post? 

Post # 26
10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

WHY are you letting your parents control your life?! You need to stop letting them have so much control over you and your life. They are never going to stop being controlling, you are going to have to stop being controlled.

And my general rule for life is – anytime someone says “You have to choose, either me or X” I choose the person who wasn’t going to make me choose in their first place because I don’t need manipulative assholes in my life and neither do you.

Post # 27
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

You need to go on this vacation, seriously if you want to keep your boyfriend.  He is an angel for putting up with this but one day it’s going to be too much for him if you keep putting him last.  Put your relationship with your boyfriend first before you don’t have one anymore!

Post # 29
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Stop sharing stuff with them. First time, okay…but all the other times you brought it up, noooooo.

Post # 30
10315 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
hermionegranger:  Can you go somewhere else? I presume he’s just not interested in the original trip. Tell him how important it is for you and how happy it would make you.


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