Post # 46
Sunfire: yup I agree, this happened to a friend where there was a final straw moment/blowout similar to this and her long term bf slowly distanced himself and ended the relationship. There’s only so much a bf would put up with. i don’t think dealing with your parents or your future approaches is the issue here, but talk to your bf stat and understand his thinking and try to talk him in this vacation. He paid money and was ready and presumably excited to go but suddenly he’s wanting none of it. sounds like he was deeply affected by this – talk to him.
Post # 47
If I were dating a person in her mid- to late- twenties who had such a profound lack of boundaries with her parents, I’d be out the door.
OP, you really need to set some boundaries with your parents. Good luck!
Post # 48
Why did you continue to tell your parents when they clearly did not support your decision?
I don’t really see the point in sharing too much of your personal life with them.
And if you want them to view you as an independent adult, you can’t allow them to control your decisions like you did in this situation.
Post # 49
Sunfire: I think it is the former. I told him that I worry we might be setting the wrong expectations with my parents and he said “it’s about choosing your battles. We want to win the war, not just this battle.” He even come over and spent the night with me because I was so upset. I think I may just be lucky enough to have an amazingly understanding bf. Even his parents are being supportive of him/us regarding this situation. No wonder I see myself marrying him. He really has been great through all of this.
Post # 50
hermionegranger: Go on your vacation.. or tell them you are going on your vacation Like YOU said. You are an adult and do not have to ask permission to spend your money how you see fit. They are controlling you because YOU LET THEM. You guys are only setting precident for your entire relationship and or marriage if you continue to allow them to derail your plans.
Post # 51
hermionegranger: go without him then. Learn healthy boundaries.
I’m asian. Close with my family. My dad pulled the whole permission crap on me after I dropped out of law school that I was paying for myself. Noped my way out of there and didn’t talk to him for years. We’re LC / NC and my life is better.
You need to grow up and learn independence. You need someone to take care of your cat? Pay a service or ask friends.
This situation sucks, but you know how your parents are. So why do you keep feeding them information?
i don’t blame your boyfriend one bit.
Post # 52
I feel your pain, bee. My parents are not as strict, but didn’t love the fact that I would spend the night at now husband’s place – I used to tell them I was spending night with a friend (as I was living in their 2nd home and they would visit often on weekend trips). My friend’s would be like, just tell them the TRUTH! They knew we lived together too, but didn’t stop me.
You try straddling the line with being a “dutiful” daughter while living in the real world. Honestly though, it’s not just a cultural divide, it’s also a generational one. Like others have said, you gotta live your life, but just don’t tell them. It would be nice to have that typical western open relationship and be friends with your parents, but it’s not gonna happen right now or at least in baby steps. Once they see he’s around to stay, they’ll start to turn around, slowly. And honestly they probably know in the back of their mind, but they just don’t want it in their face, fine.
I too had my mom not allow my aunt and her fiance at the time sleep in the same room (she was early 30’s) once during a visit. And his parents wanted us to stay with him/dad and me/his mom during a trip a few years back. I’ll tell you, once you have him around more and are married, they’ll embrace, but it’ll take time. They don’t see anything wrong cause that’s their truth, I’ve learned to somewhat accept.
Post # 53
im0502: I have talked to him, apologized to him (he says I don’t need to apologize because he can imagine the pressure I must have been under) and have tried to resume our vacation. Now, I am planning a week full of fun trips and activities to make it up to him.
bitsybee: um I don’t blame my bf either. He’s an angel and has never even asked me to choose him over my family (though this whole exercise has taught me that I will absolutely choose him over my family in the future)
Post # 54
I am also Indian so I feel like I do understand your situation (I don’t mean to say I understand the things your parents said to you – more that I understand how it feels). Growing up my parents were strict but when as I’ve gotten older they’ve loosened up a LOT. When I met a guy at 24 who was not Indian, I was so scared to tell them but when I eventually did they were so accepting. My mom was a little saddened when I told her I’d slept with him lol but even that she got over. She explained she just grew up with a different view of that stuff but that it didn’t change how much she loved me or anything. The first time we wanted to vacation together I was SO nervous to talk to my dad about it but I just was honest with him (same reason – we talked daily so they’d notice if I was gone). All he said was “are you sharing a room?” and I said yes. And he said “okay, be safe please”. I was so so surprised. When that relationship went to hell after horrible things happened with the guy, they were SO supportive. The only way I got to this point with my parents was by being honest with them but it sounds like that doesn’t work for you. I remember sitting them down when I told them about my bf and just explaining that I loved them so much and valued the traditions I was raised with, but that I’m also Canadian and was born and raised here so I can’t be “traditional” – they actually agreed! Have you ever tried to sit down and talk to them both together when you’re not in the midst of an argument? I realize my Indian parents are one in a million and not all are like this (I won the parent lottery to be honest lol). If that doesn’t work, just explain to them that you love them but you have to live your life according to your own heart. I guarantee once you get married and have kids they’ll want back in your life! If you want to, please send me a private message, I totally get this stuff so we could chat.
PS your bf sounds great for being so understanding! This stuff is hard for those who didn’t grow up with it to understand so it’s awesome that he’s being supportive.
Post # 55
Groover808: thanks yeah I guess I was trying to have a normal open relationship with my parents like my friends do with theirs but I guess I just have to accept that that isn’t in the cards for me right now.
Post # 56
I have indian background too and we are Muslim and my parents did not even know that I had a bf till we were already engaged then I slowly introduced them and they were fine with it after arguments. Its your life and you should be able to do what you want however its our Indian culture. I don’t even really blame your parents because it is what it is. Even if they did not care about you going on vaca with your bf but you know how the Indian community is and how all the aunties would probably roast your mom alive for allowing her daughter to go on vaca with a guy. I did not want my parents to suffer like that which is why I just hid it from them till I knew we were getting married. I dont see them ever really being ok with it so safe yourself and them the trouble and just don’t tell them. I mean it sucks to lie to them and have this whole other life but at least I was able to maintain my relationship with my parents. My brother on the other hand wants to tell them everything and then they fight and his relationship sucks with them. (I would tell them you are going for a work thing or with your gfs or something so they can take care of your cat and know that you are away for safety reasons)..
Post # 57
hermionegranger: One more thing that might help you: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet hoping for a different result.
I’ve read over your past threads; you’ve been dealing with this issue a long time. My heart goes out to you. But you’re banging your head against the wall trying to change or convince your parents to see things your way. Never. going. to. happen. Try something different. You say you’re independent. Start acting that way.
Post # 58
hermionegranger: ay yi yi! girlfriend, just go on your vacation or plan another one, leave your cat home alone (my SIL does this) and have a neighbor watch him from time to time or a close friend. Enjoy your time with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. Life is too short and parents usually will forgive. Maybe not forget, but will forgive. Also, from now maybe you should tell them less and just leave your life. They are to blame, if you hide things from them or even lie about it. Regardless of what your culture may be, you are right, no one should tell you what you can or cannot do with your body. Althought, one thing that really made me laugh was that you mom asked you to promise not to have sex with him LOL (I am sorry! that was pretty funny! aww your poor mom) 🙂
Post # 59
1. Find a new resource to babysit your cat…either a service or a boarding place. I have rescue animals too, I know how hard it is but it can be done and they will be fine.
2. Stop with the every other day phone calls with your mom. It’s a method of control and you’re giving her power. Limit the calls to once a week or every 4-5 days. Set boundaries and stick to them.
3. When your parents start throwing a fit, LEAVE. Don’t stay in their house and take it. They won the battle on the vacation and quite frankly, you let that happen. Work on saying “No.” and sticking to your guns. I know its not easy and it will take a lot of practice and most likely many fights but you need to strengthen your boundaries NOW. Imagaine what they’ll be like when you get married..have kids…
Post # 60
hermionegranger: I can tell that your parents mean a lot to you and that you don’t want to disappoint them. You are a good daughter. I think some pps are being too harsh, they don’t understand your position. Your parents love you and want what’s best for you. Just know that things WILL get better once you are married. You can go on all the vacations you want with their approval after the wedding. I think your boyfriend has handled this wonderfully and maturely. I think you are right to not go on the vacation. But in future, do not tell them of your plans if you don’t want their disapproval.
I would have a talk with your boyfriend and explain how marriage would give you peace of mind and freedom with your parents. Perhaps you can bring the marriage forward.
Parents are so precious, I know they are frustrating you but think of how fortunate you are to have parents that care for you so much. If anything happened to them you would not regret missing out on a vacation, but you would have regrets if your relationship with them was broken.