Post # 61
thank you. My family has been very close in the past (in my “community”, families tend to be very close too), so it has been a bit hard for me to pull away from them and completely cut them off without feeling like I’m being a “bad daughther”.
Of course, after this experience, I won’t be telling them things that they might “disapprove” of and after they way treated me, I no longer feel any guilt in making this choice. Just like am asserting myself by saying “no” to going home every weekend, I am going to assert my independence by not sharing things about my life with them that they’ve proven they cannot handle.
Post # 62
PP’s have good ideas, and you know not to tell them things anymore. And I agree that by letting them dictate this, they’re going to run with it and become more controlling. Your boyfriend is wonderful.
Buti mostly want to say that people are being awful to you. Your parents and your relationship with them is important. For people to tell you that you’re not an adult because you don’t want to be disowned is just so cruel.
Post # 63
I agree with this advice. I think the reason a lot of people come off as harsh is that if you didn’t grow up in that culture (like I did as I mentioned above) it sounds crazy. But if you did grow up in that culture, you get how hard it is to balance two different cultures and generations. Indian parents are scared of their kids rejecting those traditions. If you’re lucky like I was, your parents get it and you find a way to balance both, and one day you will have the best relationship with them. But I know from a lot of my friends and cousins whose parents were different from mine, that not all Indian parents are like that. Hang in there! It will get better one day.
Post # 64
lol yes. my mother can be naive beyond belief. She is more accepting of me and even though she will sometimes say she is “disappointed in me”, has never given me an ultimatum in any way. However, no matter how hard I try to tell her otherwise, she thinks I am still a child untouched by the world and who doesn’t “know the bad things in the world” (I have travelled to different continents by myself before, so… no)
Post # 65
thank you both. I’ve decided to ignore posters whose only advice is to tell me that I’m not an adult because I didn’t deal with things the way they would’ve dealt with in their own life. I posted here to hear from other bees who might have been in a similar situation, not to get lectured about how I’m “not an adult” and “my bf should leave me”. I can’t believe people think that’s an appropriate thing to say!
Post # 66
Good for you! That’s a step in the right direction. You don’t have to cut them out of your life entirely, and you shouldn’t, because you love them. They’re your parents. But you have a right to live your life. Just give them the edited-for-parents version when you speak with them. It will make your life and your relationship with your bf easier and less complicated. And probably will make your parents happier, too, in the long run. They may relax more when they realize you can take care of yourself as an adult without consulting them/sharing with them about every little tiny thing in your life.
Post # 67
I come from a different cultural background with parents who have similar views and values to yours. I learnt what to tell them and what to hide per se…. You just need to be smarter about how you include them in your life. I don’t think most bees can understand the cultural thing….Hence the harsh judgements.
Your parents sound like mine as in they suspect but do not want you to out and out put it on display for the world/ community to see. Honestly the best plan forward for you is to do what you want and limit the info you give to your parents. You must accept that You do not have cool western parents and they wont ever change their ways and beliefs. Learn to keep stuff you know they wont approve of to yourself. You and bf will be happier and I’m sure your parents would prefer to live their life in blissful ignorance!!!
Your boyfriend sounds like a very decent fellow who is very understanding but be a little smarter in the future as to how you deal with your parents because your bf may be understanding but if it keeps happening he may get a little over it.
Post # 68
I sent you a PM <3 Don’t worry about all the haters, you have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend and you are worth all of this nonesense with your parents I’m sure of it.
Post # 69
Sorry, if i were your boyfriend, your crazy family would be reason enough to leave you.
Post # 70
I’m confused as to why OP is shocked by her parents’ reaction. This is pretty much textbook behavior from this type of controlling parents, usually in a religious and/or immigrant context. I never experienced it firsthand as my parents are super chill but nearly all my friends whose parents are from another culture have dealt with this. It sucks but is super common. You need to either follow their rules or cut the cord and do what you want. It’s pretty simple. And also not super helpful to call the parents “insane.”. They’re not insane. They have certain values that they are following. You may not agree with those values (I certainly don’t) but they’re not crazy. If you expect a set of strict, controlling parents not to freak out when you go on an overnight vacation with your BF, you’re being unreasonable, not them! What did you expect?
Post # 71
Oh please. Sure, maybe some of us could’ve sprinkled a bit of sugar atop our responses, but you’ve gotten a ton of good advice here that you should really take to heart instead of ignoring. It’s not at all helpful to you long-term to say, “Awwww, bee! I’m soooo sorry! That sucks soooo much. You poor poor thing. I feel so bad for you 🙁 your BF must love you sooooooo much, he seems sooooo wonderful!”
But it sounds like that’s just what you want to hear.
If you wanted that, you should have titled this, “Feel sorry for me and tell me I’m right!”
Post # 72
My mother’s mom pulled the “It’s him or your parents” on my mom when she was dating my father. They’ve been married over 30 years now. You can conclude who she chose.
Post # 73
Haven’t read all the replies but just want to say I CAN SO RELATE. I am 30, engaged, and my parents are still like this. They have finally accepted that I do not need their permission (after I told them we’re moving in together, which went over like a lead balloon but again, not their decision), but still give me constant grief about it.
I had to lol at this “Never mind the fact that I live alone in a different city and if they really used their brains, they would figure out that I don’t need to spend hundreds of $$ just to have sex with my bf!”
So classic, my parents are exactly the same. They freak out when we go out of town and stay at a hotel together……all the while we live in the same damn city and are obv spending the night at each other’s place every night. The power of self delusion is intense here.
My mom actually had the audacity to ask me, in a recent conversation, if my Fiance and I are “intimate”! I am 30 years old! I told her I am not discussing that.
anyway just telling you I feel for you and have been there. Only now, at 30, am I finally living my life out in the open with my parents, as opposed to constantly hiding everything from them, and holy hell it is a stressful adjustment.
Post # 74
Honestly, if this were me, I would’ve went anyway lol. But I’m a rebel, kinda forced to be one since my teenage years because the older adults in my life have always tried to control every single aspect of me, from trying to choose what outfit I wear to whatever place, how I style my hair, how I behave around certain people. This went all the way to the age of 23, and would’ve lasted longer if I still had a relationship with my mom. Literally treating me like a child. And I had to prove to them that I’m going to be myself and live my life the way I want, whether they like it or not. So they could threaten to disown me, but it was still gonna happen. And if they really thought it was okay to disown me for living my life in a healthy way, then that would tell me a lot. But I understand its not that easy for other people, and I’m sorry you had to experience this. Just keep in mind you don’t have to any longer if you dont want to…
Post # 75
yeah I think if it comes up again, I will. Right now, I honestly don’t feel like telling them anything so personal anymore. Like you said, having sex doesn’t devalue me as a person, but I also don’t feel like being possibly called names because of my decision. Like other posters have suggested, I am going to try to take a more “need to know” approach with them now.