(Closed) So my crazy parents just made me cancel my first vacation with my bf

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 77
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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elsa0984:  Thank God you are not her boyfriend then. *eye roll*

Post # 78
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am also Indian – now married to a white guy. I can relate to the controlling parents – i came home every other weekend throughout college/med school despite protests from friends/boyfriends. the only thing I have to say is that alienating your parents isnt the best approach with Indian parents. Especially if you eventually want to get married and have them accept your boyfriend.

 I think moving in together and long vacations are too much to throw at them (especially if you have only been dating for about a year). And sex is better left unsaid. If you guys are serious about making this relationship work, you need to spend more time with your family… With him included!! For me, that meant that boyfriend and I spent 2-3 nights a week with them, eating dinner, hanging out. They got to know him really well over the span of a year (this is after we had been together for 3 years that they even got to this point!) and they were finally thrilled when we sat down with them and discussed our plans to get Married.

After we were engaged, we went on our first long vacation together to Mexico (we had only done local trips up to that point) and it felt so freeing to not only be with the love of my life, but to know that I wasn’t lying or hiding from my parents out of shame. Now that we are married, they still do want us to visit because they love us, but we obviously have freedom and an independent life. Anyway – just offering you another perspective! And a happy ending from someone who was in a similar position. 

Good luck – navigating an interracial relationship is soooo hard and you really need a supportive SO and supportive family to make it work. It sounds like your boyfriend is understanding, so hopefully it works out for you guys!

Post # 79
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Honestly, I think you should continue being relatively open with them, because otherwise they’ll continue living in their own little world, thinking you’re doing everything they way they’d like you to.

I don’t see confrontations like that as a bad thing, you must live your life, and you must (apparently in this situation) push their boundaries while doing so.  Also, I agree with your bf’s reaction.  It sounds like he’s very rational, and serious about you, and he sees the bigger picture, which is a life with you, and your parents being happy about that.  He doesn’t want to give your dad a reason to “disown” you, which would make your dad also entirely hate him.

Keep doing what you’re doing, push the boundaries, but also keep the overall family peace when needed, and in time they will slowly begin to accept that you’re your own independent woman.  Honesly, even though your parents seem a bit nuts and over the top, that’s their culture, not entirely yours, but can you blame them for being passionate about their values?

Also, family’s very important, and even though it might be easier to just distance yourself from them now, is that what you really want?  You talk to your mom nearly every day (I do too), and you have a bf who seems to be ok with the dynamic so far, so if I were you, I wouldn’t burn any major bridges.

Post # 80
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I know that this isn’t helpful after the fact, but I do think that you handled the situation poorly.

You knew that your parents didn’t want you to engage in premarital sex, correct? So you should have assumed they wouldn’t be okay with you going overnight with a boyfriend. You could have lied and said the vacation was with a girlfriend, or of course just not mentioned the vacation at all.

But, okay, you made the mistake of telling them you were going on vacation with your boyfriend. And they, predictably, freaked out and demanded you cancel the vacation. And you inexplicably LISTENED to them and cancelled your vacation with your boyfriend.

I understand that you were in a very difficult position, with your father threatening to disown you if you went on this vacation. But by cancelling the vacation, you essentially chose your father over your boyfriend, whom you want to marry one day. That is SO unfair to your boyfriend. If you are in a committed, adult relationship, you cannot be letting your parents control you. You got yourself into the mess with your parents, at that point all you can do as an adult is stand up to them, for yourself and for your boyfriend.

Moving forward, don’t share everything with them. And go on that vacation. Tell your boyfriend that you’re sorry, in a moment of high pressure your bent to your parents’ demands but you’re not going to let them dictate your life anymore. He may be understanding, but I can’t imagine he’s too happy to have to not go on vacation because your parents said no.

Post # 81
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This can’t be life. 

Post # 82
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

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hermionegranger:  you are not doing yourself any favors by ignoring posters who have said you need to grow up. Because you do! at 26, if you cannot stand up to your parents, you are in fact not an adult. And if you are, then why in the world are you acting like a scared child? As for people saying he should leave you, I can’t say I disagree with that. If my partner let their parents or family control our lives that much, there’s no way I would stay with them. It’s one thing to understand why someone’s family acts the way they do, it’s entirely different to let them get away with it after being in a relationship for a year. If working towards marriage is what you are doing, than you need to start putting your relationship first regardless of what your parents have to say about it. He will be your family now and they can feel however they want to feel about that. Your dad said choose him or your Boyfriend or Best Friend…guess what, you chose him so tell me again why it’s wrong for people to think he shoudn’t stand for that? gimme a break….

Post # 83
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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hermionegranger:  i’m sorry, but you are the one that kept bringing up the vaca over and over and over again… each time they weren’t happy about it and yet, you kept bringing it up. what did you honestly expect? like why would you even HINT at it after the first time they freaked out? sounds like you want to do what you want ANDDDD you want them to be okay with it. ain’t gunna happen. so either get over your need for their approval or do what they want. 

Post # 84
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

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BringOnTheHappy:  Thank God! No one wants that kind of baggage!

Time to cut the cord for the sake of your bf!

Post # 85
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Your parents didn’t make you do anything. You gave into your insane family that you should honestly, not even be speaking to. 

 

Stop being controled by them and live your life. 

Post # 86
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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elsa0984:  Baggage? Oh c’mon now. Her bf is amazing, understanding, mature man who loves her more than parent’s drama. I am sure OP told her bf how annoyed she is with the situation so it’s not like she sits there and takes the beating and don’t wish to change anything.

In my opinion, this situation is annoying but its different culture her parents grew up in and nothing will change that. OP, I think you are blessed to have a man who is mature enough to support you!

I would never jump ship because of this situation, seems extremely weird to me that anybody would to be honest. If you love someone, you stick with them through thick and thin. Well, at least I look at it this way.

Post # 87
Member
5020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

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hermionegranger:  I think its great that you want to be close with your family. But it is also important that you learn to set boundaries.  You deserve your independence, respect and happiness.  Your parents are only able to control what you allow.  I think the first step in setting boundaries is to go forward with your vacation plans.  If your parents don’t like that, too bad.  Hopefully they will put your first over their feelings and realize that you are your own person capable of making your own decisions.

Post # 88
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I’m not Indian, but I am Asian so I can kind of relate to the controlling parents. My parents didn’t want me to go to any of my male friends’ house alone when I was a kid. And before my Fiance proposed, there were many minor cultural clashes. 

I think you’re going to have to make some decisions. If you want to go on vacations and do whatever you want, then you’re going to have to be very selective about what you tell your parents. If you told your parents about the vacation and they’ve repeatedly made indications that they won’t accept it, then you shouldn’t be too surprised if they explode when you go ahead with the vacation anyway. This wasn’t something that came out of nowhere. 

I think your boyfriend did the right move in that your parents will unlikely think favourable things about your boyfriend if he pushed for the vacation. One PP suggested taking your boyfriend more frequently to see your parents. I think that’s a great idea. That will reassure them that your boyfriend is a decent man and that you still want to involve them as parents but also grow as an independent adult. Once my father realized that marriage wasn’t going to disconnect us and that this is a serious life commitment, my father couldn’t care less that I moved in early with my non-Asian Fiance. Before that? The scandal! 

I do disagree with the PP who suggested that you should have put your boyfriend first over your parents. In certain situations, sure. But in big life decisions, I remember making it very clear to my then-boyfriend that I won’t put him above my father. That’s my father and he’s my boyfriend. If he wants me to put him above my father, then he should put a ring on it and be my husband. 

A year or so later, he put a ring on it. 🙂 And my father pretty much backed off. 

Post # 89
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You HAVE to stand up for urself. i used to have the same problem. My family told me to choose between them and my now fiance, and i choose him. I moved out with him. at first they were really upset but they eventually came around. they also respect me more now because they know i’ll stand up for myself and what i want. Its hard but you have to do it otherwise itll continue forever.

Post # 90
Member
4255 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Find a friend to stay at your place and watch your cat and go on vacation.  Your parents cannot FORCE you to cancel your vacation.

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