Woooooooow. Guys. There’s this little thing called ’empathy’. Try it out sometime, k? I know we’re called bees, but is the swarming necessary? How about you take your own advice: act like an adult and empathize.
I think my eyes almost rolled right out my skull when I read that people couldn’t understand how she couldn’t ‘grow up’. Like you seriously wouldn’t maybe be having the same problems if you also had 26 YEARS OF CONDITIONING AND GAS-LIGHTING TO UNPACK? And puh-lease. This is not just an immigrant issue.
I have not grown up under such strict circumstances, so I cannot tell you that I know what you’re going through. However, there must be some built up guilt you experience. You love them and want to share your life with them. They love you and I imagine that they have been good to you in other times. Of course you want them to
‘be in on it’, so to speak.
However, I think (as others have said) that you’ve given them the chance to be a part of your adult self and they haven’t proven that they can do that without wanting to bend you to their will. It will hurt, and you will feel self-doubt, but I think it’s time you do things for you and not for their acceptance. You are not a ‘bad daughter’ for being an autonomous woman. I’m sure you know, but I want to remind you of that. Your life and body are yours. Do not let them manipulate you any longer. Unfortunately, that may mean distancing yourself. Which may suck majorly. But look at it this way: if they continue to throw tantrums and decide that their values are more important than having a life with their own daughter, that is on them NOT YOU.
Your bf is a wonderfully patient person. He must love you so much. You have quite the catch there. “For better or for worse”. When you’ve found your life partner (and barring abuse), you stick to that notion whether you are married or not. That’s what it means to be a LIFE partner. Things can get shitty and hard. Get complicated. Throw wrenches in your future plans. They deviate from the social media level of ideal we visualize. That doesn’t make you a weak child. That doesn’t mean you are hurting him. Letting people tell you to give him away because you have possesive parents would be a major defeat. He knows what he’s gotten into. Sure, it’s not the ideal and he is within his rights to say ‘I can’t do this’. But if he stays to slug it out with you, it is not something to be held against you. People have baggage. No shame in that.
Guess what? In my case it’s mental illness. By the logic of some of the bees here, I should have just ended up on the street because how dare I inconvenience my partner with something I have no control over? How dare I try to survive? He’s better off without me right? Do they not think people like me see their comments about mental illness?!? He has had infinite patience while standing by me and I am so much stronger for it. If it weren’t for him, my life would be so different. As in he literally has stopped a suicide attempt. So don’t you dare let them tell you that you aren’t worth a little patience. That’s what got me. You are worth all the time it takes to take ownership of yourself. If he breaks up with you? It’s his prerogative. But do not think for a second that every experience and mistake wasn’t valid lesson. Sorry. The ‘normality or die’ mentality of some of the ladies on here really gets to me, you know?
Good luck girl. You are stronger than the negativity. Here’s hoping we can both break free from the forces that hinder us. Sorry for the emotional shit. There’s just a judgey sourness that’s been developing on the bee. Like, I know that comes hand in hand with weddings, but I’m SOOOO over it.