(Closed) So my crazy parents just made me cancel my first vacation with my bf

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 93
Member
4161 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Kikibear:  I agree, I would have too.  But your choice of words was just a little harsh.

Post # 94
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ryansgirl:  Huh?  I didn’t say anything that 20 other posters didn’t say.  I think you’re being a bit sensitive.

Post # 95
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I’ve been thinking about this and I just want to add something. 

There’s a lot of cultural “baggage” (for lack of a better word), but I think controlling Asian parents act the way they do because of anxiety and fear. Some of it is totally cultural, but some of it is concern and anxiety for you. Your boyfriend seem loving, supportive, and understanding. He sounds like a good man. Does your parents know this? Do they know that there’s someone in your life like that that cares about you? 

I actually ended up going on a vacation with my Fiance before he proposed and was planning this big one when he did propose. I honestly can’t remember how that first vacation went, but I never hid it from my dad or my other relatives. I never asked for permission. And I liked that that’s how it went because we weren’t doing something awful or scandalous. We were just two adults going on a vacation. But we invested a lot of energy and effort into getting to that emotional place.

Anyway, good luck with everything! 

Post # 97
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I can’t believe a lot of these responses. Those of you blasting the OP for not immediately getting over her issues and telling her parents to F off, were you raised in a strict Asian household? Do you have any idea how that experience might be different from yours? This shit is NOT easy. It is not always easy to reconcile the way you grew up (in the OP’s case, I’m guessing a strict Indian household where family is everything, obedience is assumed, and values about sex/marriage etc are very conservative) — with the reality of the 21st century American world you actually live in. Until you have experienced the first part (strict Asian upbringing), check yourself before you breezily tell the OP she needs to grow up and her bf should dump her for being so childish.

“This can’t be life” – how is that helpful? This IS life for a lot of people. Just because many of you grew up in white, liberal households with parents who were happy to cut the cord the minute you were out of the house, does not mean everyone had that identical experience.

Post # 101
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

hermionegranger:  I once described a converation I had with my father and someone was apparently horrified and asked if my father was from the 50s. As a matter of fact, he was born int he 50s, haha! 

So yeah, I can understand the whole Asian parents with sexist double standards. I’m not saying it’s right or that you have to accept it, but those are the values they grew up with. My father didn’t want me to stay over with my then-boyfriend because it would make me look bad. Basically a decent woman with good moral values shouldn’t be caught dead spending the night with another man alone. 

Your response reminded me of something I explained to my Fiance a few days ago. We were talking about the reception and speeches. I told my Fiance that my father is not big on expressions of love. I don’t think my dad have told me he loved me in years. But I have never doubted his love for me. I don’t need to hear the words because his actions and intentions speaks of his love for me. Similarly I can go about the whole wedding and not say a single thing about loving my father, but he will know that I love him. 

You saying positive things about him is expected. What daughter would tell their parents she’s dating a terrible man? You want them to like him so you will always say positive things. But if they’ve only seen him once, then they don’t really know him. When I first brought my Fiance over, I gave him the world’s fastest run down of Asian traditions. Be polite. Pour him tea. There are two types of thank yous so make sure you say the right one. Don’t suck on your chopstick. Try to eat what’s given to you because it would be rude to reject food. Dress neatly; my dad looks for good grooming. I was on him about all those things because I knew that no amount of sweet words were gonig to convince my dad he’s a good man if he doesn’t look and act like one repeatedly. 

Your boyfriend is a smart man because he has shown that he will respect their wishes. That’s probably why they later suggested you can go if you promise no sex. (Which I know is super annoying and awkward, but whatever.) 

 

Anyway I hope I’m not being too annoying with my response! It can’t be easy and I hope the next time becomes smoother!

Post # 103
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

Woooooooow. Guys. There’s this little thing called ’empathy’. Try it out sometime, k? I know we’re called bees, but is the swarming necessary? How about you take your own advice: act like an adult and empathize.

I think my eyes almost rolled right out my skull when I read that people couldn’t understand how she couldn’t ‘grow up’. Like you seriously wouldn’t maybe be having the same problems if you also had 26 YEARS OF CONDITIONING AND GAS-LIGHTING TO UNPACK? And puh-lease. This is not just an immigrant issue.

I have not grown up under such strict circumstances, so I cannot tell you that I know what you’re going through. However, there must be some built up guilt you experience. You love them and want to share your life with them. They love you and I imagine that they have been good to you in other times. Of course you want them to

‘be in on it’, so to speak.

However, I think (as others have said) that you’ve given them the chance to be a part of your adult self and they haven’t proven that they can do that without wanting to bend you to their will. It will hurt, and you will feel self-doubt, but I think it’s time you do things for you and not for their acceptance. You are not a ‘bad daughter’ for being an autonomous woman. I’m sure you know, but I want to remind you of that. Your life and body are yours. Do not let them manipulate you any longer. Unfortunately, that may mean distancing yourself. Which may suck majorly. But look at it this way: if they continue to throw tantrums and decide that their values are more important than having a life with their own daughter, that is on them NOT YOU.

Your bf is a wonderfully patient person. He must love you so much. You have quite the catch there. “For better or for worse”. When you’ve found your life partner (and barring abuse), you stick to that notion whether you are married or not. That’s what it means to be a LIFE partner. Things can get shitty and hard. Get complicated. Throw wrenches in your future plans. They deviate from the social media level of ideal we visualize. That doesn’t make you a weak child. That doesn’t mean you are hurting him. Letting people tell you to give him away because you have possesive parents would be a major defeat. He knows what he’s gotten into. Sure, it’s not the ideal and he is within his rights to say ‘I can’t do this’. But if he stays to slug it out with you, it is not something to be held against you. People have baggage. No shame in that.

Guess what? In my case it’s mental illness. By the logic of some of the bees here, I should have just ended up on the street because how dare I inconvenience my partner with something I have no control over? How dare I try to survive? He’s better off without me right? Do they not think people like me see their comments about mental illness?!? He has had infinite patience while standing by me and I am so much stronger for it. If it weren’t for him, my life would be so different. As in he literally has stopped a suicide attempt. So don’t you dare let them tell you that you aren’t worth a little patience. That’s what got me. You are worth all the time it takes to take ownership of yourself. If he breaks up with you? It’s his prerogative. But do not think for a second that every experience and mistake wasn’t valid lesson. Sorry. The ‘normality or die’ mentality of some of the ladies on here really gets to me, you know?

Good luck girl. You are stronger than the negativity. Here’s hoping we can both break free from the forces that hinder us. Sorry for the emotional shit. There’s just a judgey sourness that’s been developing on the bee. Like, I know that comes hand in hand with weddings, but I’m SOOOO over it.

Post # 105
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

purple0hair0bee:  What awesome advice! I see your replies on here, and you’ve replied to one of my posts before, and I always find you to be so insightful and empathetic. 

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