Post # 106
Im so sorry, my family used to be like that, so i just stopped telling them everything or just lied to them. It sucks, ibut it was the only way i wasnt gonna loose my mind. They calmed down as soon as i eloped secretly with my (now) Darling Husband.
Post # 107
pammylammy: haha, thank you! I try.
Post # 108
purple0hair0bee: thank you SO much for your reply! It is so nice to hear from someone else who deals with things out of their control that affects their relationship. And you’re right, after 26 years of conditioning, it is hard to do the opposite of what you’ve been taught all your life to do… but I’m gonna give it my best shot!
I’m glad to hear your bf is supportive. It is wonderful to have partners like that. I agree, some people’s mentality in this thread troubles me too, but at the end of the day we have to remember that we have wonderful partners who are willing to stand by us and not let negativity get us down. I can’t imagine marrying someone who would leave me over something like this so I’m glad my bf is not one of those people.
Thanks for your positivity and constructive advice! <3
Post # 109
Bless your hearr I am sorry you have been dealing with this your whole life. The best news is you have such an understanding man in your life. Good luck in your relationship and I hope your parents eventually come around.
Post # 110
hermionegranger: Go on vacation, and make other plans for your cat. By cancelling that trip, you continue to allow them control. Put your foot down.
Post # 111
hermionegranger: OP your situation sucks…. but maybe it is time to start hiding things from your parents.
You need to do things like spend the night together, go on vacations together, in order for your relationship with your boyfriend to grow even stronger. (Btw, he is a keeper…….). But in order for you to do that, you are going to have to not always be truthful to your parents.
My husband is Syrian (but born and raised in the US) and thankfully his family are open and accepting…..but the rest of the people in his community aren’t (they are very traditional middle eastern families). The girls our age (I’m 30) that are dating, they are all dating secretly. All the friends know, but the parents have no idea. Why? Because 1, if the guy isn’t Syrian, it isn’t acceptable and 2, if they tell their parents they must get engaged right away because there is no dating in their culture.
My husband’s god sister dated her Armenian boyfriend (now husband) for 3 years in secret! They went to Europe, Asia, South America, they traveled the world!!!! One day he told her he was ready to marry her and they bought a ring. She told her parents about him that same day and they refused him because he is Armenian and not Syrian. It took weeks of begging because they are in love and want to get married. Then mom finally agreed and dad……..even now is still whatever about it. They just got married this year and it was a wonderful event. They make such a cute couple.
Bottom line OP, I totally understand your position because I live it every day, maybe not directly but I see it happen all around me. The only way I see this becoming “easier” is by distancing yourself enough to live your life with Boyfriend or Best Friend without pissing your parents off.
Post # 112
tiffanybruiser: Smartest comment on this thread. It’s amazing how unhelpful and dismissive advice on this site can be.
Post # 113
FlorindaGrau: BusyBriBee: MrsPiggles: AnonymousForThis: msmistis: Thank you for your kind words.
I’ve been keeping my distance from my parents for over a week now. It felt weird at the beginning because I have been conditioned for so long to “please” them and meet their emotional needs in order to avoid conflict, but I’m getting over it. I have spoken to my mother a couple of times since the incidence. My dad has sent me a text apologizing for part of his reaction and I haven’t really wanted to say anything further to him. My bf and I are now slowly figuring out what to do with our week off. It won’t be the same as before, but we’re lining up a few things to make that week fun!
I’d like to thank the posters who were kind and supportive and gave me useful advice and words of encouragement! There was a lot of negativity initially in this thread that made me feel like I had made a mistake by posting in this forum, but your positive responses really overcame the initial negativity. Thank you again! 🙂
Post # 114
hermionegranger: im glad you found our words helpful.
Good luck and have a great week off! 🙂
Post # 115
this is something i can also relate to as well. while I am not dating anyone right now.. I come from quite a strict super asian and super old fashion upbringing family. I remember when I was dating my ex and he suggested we should go camping (this was back in 2015/16 and we had been dating close to one year at that point and it was right smack in my winter break before spring semester of a crazy program ).i was so excited i did want to go and i was terrified(mostly on my dad’s part he’s super old school). i never went out anywhere past 11pm before or went on an overnight date. I told mom never told dad, in hindsight I handled it very passively. you guys have such great insight on the situation. my bro goes to med school about 6 hrs away from home and my mom would ask if i want to go (because they go there to visit him every month or so) and gives out all the reasons why I should go. I’m fairly busy myself with my own school work so I decline. I’m getting more comfortable saying no even though it feels weird.
Post # 116
My parents are like that as well. So much that I would never have even attempted to take a trip before I was married. Wasn’t worth the wrath! Yes I thought it was crazy but they arent going to change!
Post # 117
hermionegranger : so, I was in a similar boat as you – I am Indian and my (now) husband is white. It was a shitstorm initially. My parents were very very hesitant to let me spend any time with him; mind you, I was in my 30s at the time, financially independent, living on my own. It’s really hard for people who don’t know the culture to understand how complicated these things get.
I took trips with him when he was still my bf and fiancé. For me personally, the key was to make sure my parents understood that he was important to me. I also gave them a lot of fair warning that we were planning a trip together. It’s really easy to say just ignore them or you’re an adult, but I completely understand that in an Indian family’s case, it is not that easy. They weren’t thrilled but they knew that I was going to do what I was going to do. My mom once freaked out because she was worried a relative would see us together at an airport!
You do need to lengthen the rope eventually, and I know it’s hard. You may disappoint and upset them at first, but if you want to have this relationship then you have to stay strong, without getting angry or fed up with your parents. Just be forward with them, let them understand you better, and give them a heads up if you’re doing something outside the Indian norm. My parents issue was that they felt like they didn’t really know me, and I made an effort to spend a lot of time with them and that my boyfriend spent time with them as well. Make sure they know that he respects you, and that they should respect you too. My relationship with my parents has grown and become better since I took a stand and let them know I was in charge. In the end they only want what is best for you, even though it may seem like they’re insane.
Post # 118
hermionegranger : Still go on vacation. Have a friend stop by your place and take care of your cat. If your cat does have anxiety, then taking her anywhere is stressful. Have a pet sitter come to your place… It’s about $20 a day… solved. Go on vacation!!
Post # 119
YOU GUYS REALIZE THIS POST IS ALMOST A YEAR OLD! I’m sure the original poster has resolved the issue.
Post # 120
This thread is a year old. The OP indicated she received the advice she needed. I’m going to close this now.