Post # 1
And we’ve been close! She did a reading at my first wedding 20 years ago now, wow! She was present in the room for the births of two of my four children. What’s changed is she and my mother (her sister) have had a ridiculous falling out over one of her daughters’ weddings in which my mother behaved very badly, throwing an all out tantrum and writing nasty emails to my aunt all because my cousin didn’t use my mother’s travel agency to book her destination wedding (I don’t blame my cousin at all. My parents were just trying to make money off them and that’s HORRIBLE and who really uses travel agents nowadays anyways with the Internet?)
So, my aunt was well aware I’m getting married and the date though we are NOT doing Save The Dates (we see no need.) I was chatting with her last night and showing her photos of my gown and going over some plans and mentioned that, of course, she was invited.
She stated she and her husband (whom I don’t consider my uncle but whom obviously was invited as well…she got divorced later in life and remarried) had a niece of the second husband’s that same day and the STD’s had arrived a month ago.
But, to me the STDs are an alert. They require no response. It’s the invitations that lock you down and she’s been aware of BOTH our weddings for approximately the ssme amount of time only we’ve opted NOT to waste money (sorry STD people!) on save the dates. (I come from a time where save the dates didn’t exist).
Also, while it’s great to go as a unit, nothing says she can’t come to her goddaughter’s wedding and her husband can’t go to his niece’s wedding alone. I know my fiancé and I have done similar things in order to fulfill our obligations to family.
I just feel pretty hurt and like my mom’s pettiness has bled over into my day when I’m finally marrying the right man.
I know I should look at it as two more spaces for people who WANT to be there, but it still hurts. I also even wonder if this STD for the husband’s niece even exists. Any thoughts or pep talks?
Post # 2
Some people aren’t into going to weddings solo. If it’s your second wedding, perhaps she feels that she was there for the first and so the second isn’t as important to her. A save the date may be unnecessary, but it does help people put the event on their calendar. You say she knew the date of your wedding, but it may not even have been on her radar for that day.
I am sure it will be wonderful, regardless.
Post # 3
I am sorry that your Aunt won’t be at your wedding, but there is nothing you can do about it. She and her H made a decision as to whose wedding to go to and that happens to not be yours. At least she gave you heads up far enough in advance rather then waiting, saying nothing, until you received her RSVP. I would still send her and her H an invite because you never know, plans may change. But you need to accept that she won’t be there. That does not mean that she loves you any less though, so don’t even think that for a minute.
Post # 4
Sorry that sucks. But ultimately you can make the choice needlessly harp on this and continue to feel bad. Or just accept that sometimes the people we love, can’t be there for some of our milestone moments. And that’s okay. However, you do point out that she has been there for many of your signifcant moments.
She and her husband can attend functions (solo as as unit) as they see fit. They haven’t done anything wrong by being mindful of the husband’s nieces date. Now wondering if their STD is real or not, how does that serve you. Really? Just let that go all the way dear.
It sucks but ultimately your day will still be special regardless of who can or can not make it. Focus on that.
Post # 5
I too was going to say – she went to your first wedding, so she may feel she should go to the niece’s wedding? Maybe she already told the niece she was going, since she did have STDs?
No one must attend your wedding. The couple (your aunt and uncle) have two nieces getting married that day- your aunt came to your first wedding but that doesn’t mean she *must* come to your second wedding… ‘finally having found the right man’ or not, it’s their decision!
Post # 6
Weddings can get weird and political and weird. I know (when I had the big wedding 1st time around) my uncle asked if my great uncle (his fave) was coming. At the time I remember thinking that my uncle was only coming because my great uncle was, not to celebrate my day with me. People are weird. And yeah, your mom made a bit of a mess of things. That’s really too bad. :o(
Post # 7
I don’t see how this has anything to do with your mom. They made a commitment to the other niece. It’s unfortunate that the weddings are on the same day, but it is what it is.
Post # 8
i also see this as having nothing to do with your mother and aunt.
if i was in your aunt’s position, i would go to my DH’s neice’s wedding as well. this is your second wedding. your aunt already celebrated with you. if the neice only gets married once, i could see why her uncle wouldn’t want to miss it. and 95% of the time, married couples go as a unit to social functions.
it sucks they are on the same day, but such is life.
Post # 9
I think you’re blowing this into something bigger than it is. I understand being sad that your aunt isn’t coming, but I doubt it is because of your mom, particularly if your aunt is talking to you. As other’s have said, is her husband’s neice is gtting married the same day, she may have chosen to go to that wedding since she’s seen you married before. Also, are you certain your aunt knew when you were getting married? She may have had a general idea, but not known the exact date. Or, she could be doing what my fiance and I do which is to go to whichever wedding/event gives the first physical form of notice. As in, even if I know by word of mouth when an event will occur, I don’t plan on going until I receive a save-the-date, invitation or an verbal invitation from the host themself. If I received a save-the-date to wedding even a day before someone else verbally invited me to their wedding, I’d choose who I got the save-the-date from simply because it was how I got the first notice. Just saying, there could be a lot of reasons for why she chose the other neice, but don’t get md at her for it. Also, wondering whether or not she actually received a save-the-date is being a bit childish. Most people wouldn’t make up a lie like that, so unless your aunt has done stuff like that before, assuming will only hurt your relationship.
Post # 10
Am I “needlessly harping on” or just venting my hurt? I meant to just vent my hurt. How many of those who responded have shared the birth of your children with someone like I have my godmother? In my family godparents are expected to attend the weddings, graduations, first communions, etc, etc of their God children no matter how old and how many times they happen (for those of you seeming to think because I’m getting married again after two decades this someone cheapens the day: It doesn’t.
Maybe it’s my migraine (and if it is, I am sorry) but there seems to be judgment on this site about second or more marriages.
Also, NOT my migraine, but please don’t refer to a 41-going-on 42 year-old woman as “dear.” I’m a professional mother of four and it’s patronizing and can only be taken as such. It comes off as judgmental and, as I said, patronizing. Okay, in all honesty, it probably wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much if I didn’t feel like I had an ice pick in my right eye, but it doesn’t serve to do anything other than talk down to someone.
I was just hoping to hear some positive talk and I seem to have gotten several “people don’t think a second wedding is important,” which is catty and bull and 50% of us will be in my boat someday and I hope no one ever expresses that sentiment to you ever, and talk like I’m a 19 year old incapable of moving on with my life because of names not on a guest list (no offense to any 19 year olds who CAN do this as I know you’re out there, but apparently my one post venting about my aunt means I’m needlessly harping on.
So, please, anyone who can simply commiserate or give me some kind words or nice advice not involving “your aunt might thing your second marriage isn’t a big deal EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD A SECOND WEDDING TO THE MAN OF HER DRRAMS WHICH YOU ATTENDED” sort of remarks. Thank you so much!
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be hurt and sad that she won’t be there, and I’m sorry people are devaluing your wedding because it’s your second. It sucks that the two weddings conflict. I guess it’s possible she’s feeling pressure from her husband? If I were you I would totally want them to split, but I unfortunately don’t know what you can do about it. 🙁 You’d have to ask her not to go to that wedding, which is probably not going to come out right. I guess just tell her you’re really sorry she can’t make it, with or without her husband, and say you’ll send them an invite just in case plans change (or don’t if you want to be vindictive, but I wouldn’t recommend that).
I’m new to this community but some people can be harsh on the touchy family subjects. I think that’s par for the course on an internet community but it does suck.
Post # 12
Shoot. My comment didn’t post apparently: this has everything to do with my mom. They haven’t spoken for probably six years over some petty BS that made my mom opt out of going to my cousin’ wedding. So, I can see that this would be the perfect excuse for my aunt to stay far, far away from my mom whom she cannot stand.
Now I’m terrified to write about my disappointment over my brother not coming to my wedding. It IS my second wedding , though, and he was a groomsman in my first. 😉
Post # 13
That’s sad. Seems like the touchy family subjects are where we’d need the most support. Not pictures of rings!
Post # 14
I’m not going to put you down at all and I hope you don’t take it that way. First, I’m sorry about your aunt not attending your wedding (and I”m sorry about your migrane too! I get them all the time and they are AWFUL! Feel Better!)
Maybe this will help you not be so upset: Your aunt is in a tough spot. Of course she WANTS to go to your wedding, why wouldn’t she?? However, she received STD’s to another wedding a month ago and already made that commitment. I know STDs don’t require a response but maybe her and her husband already told his niece they would attend and started making plans before knowing your date. Also, I know they could attend separately but you’ve even said that her husband is the man of her dreams. She probably wants to be included in his side of the family and show support to them as well – because they are a unit.
Also, what if your aunt’s husband is super close to his niece as well? What if they chose your wedding and that niece would have been devastated, just as you are. Either way, some one would be hurt and it’s hard to “choose” who you’re going to do that to. I’m sure your aunt had a hard time with that but her and her husband had to look at the pros and cons of both and make the best decision. A pro to going to the other neice’s wedding is (as much as you hate hearing it, and I don’t blame you, I’d hate hearing it too!) that she has already experienced a wedding with you and not with the other bride. It’s like choosing which child’s dance recital you’ll attend when they both have one on the same day…. Sally has already been in a recital previously that you attended and little Sarah is in her very first dance recital. Is it still awful to miss one daughter’s recital? Of course! But how would it look to Sarah if you chose to attend another of Sally’s recitals than her very first?
Also, a con to going to your wedding is having to awkwardly be around your mom. I’m sure that did factor into the decision and while it sucks and isn’t fair (it’s not your fault your mom went bananas) it, again, was another reason to choose the other wedding.
Anyway… most of all, I know it sucks and I’m sorry.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2017 - Canvas Event Space
I don’t think this being your second wedding is necessarily the issue here – you mention she’s also been remarried, so it would be really weird if she was like “Oh, those don’t count!” lol
Talk to your aunt and tell her you’re upset and you really want her there for a little while. Maybe depending on the timing, she can attend your ceromony and head to the other niece’s. You may be her Goddaughter but the other niece is her family, too.
And if you can swing it, maybe you should rethink your position on Save The Dates. You may come from a time when they didn’t exist, but obviously they exist now and others are taking them seriously.