(Closed) SO needs more time. What do I do?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I’m not sure what perspective you’re after.  You may have been together for 4 years but it sounds like a terrible relationship. Yes it may have gotten better since therapy but that was only February, we are just barely in June now.

My opinion is that it’s way to early to be jumping into engagement. You’re basically resetting the clock by starting therapy and working through your ‘issues’. He is right to not put a timeline on it, that only works for relationships that are going smoothly and the only issue is when to progress to marriage.

Post # 3
Member
10275 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

So your relationship has been crap for 3.5 years and healthy for about 3ish months and you want him to feel ready to propose? I’m 100% on his side here. You should wait to make sure these changes are more permanent. Personally, I’d take his going to therapy to work on improving the relationship as enough of a commitment for now.

Of course you can walk away whenever you want but I’m not sure why you stuck through all the bullshit just to walk when things are improving.

Post # 5
Member
6236 posts
Bee Keeper

It shouldn’t be this hard always. Yes there are sometimes tricky times or issues to work out but not constantly for 4 years. And not with someone who doesn’t really want to marry you.

Id not waste more time. I’d get out there. Enjoy single life. Change things up – move job or location. Have some therapy on my own for my own self awareness then get out there in the dating pool to meet a nice guy who i think is amazing and who thinks I’m the bees knees and is excited to make me his wife. 

Post # 6
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
ellafitzgerald :  While you have been together for quite some time, the relationship has only been at a safe and stable place for just a few months. I’m with your boyfriend here: My advice is to comtinue with therapy and disregard all timelines toward engagement right now. You both need to work together on building a happy relationship and home – and maintaining it consistently before even contemplating bringing marriage or children into the situation. Glad you two are on a better path now. Good luck! xoxo

Post # 7
Member
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
ellafitzgerald :  Here’s the deal — no matter how much you work at this relationship, no matter how much you “fight” for this relationship, it has been crap and will CONTINUE to be crap.  There’s no magic pill that will make everything better.  You have broken up 3 times in 4 years.  You fight constantly.  You say you have general incompatibility.  You say you have jealousy issues.  It doesn’t matter how good the “good” times are, those are cancelled out by the fact that you ARE incompatible.  I know you have invested a lot of time with this guy and it’s hard to think of letting go…but in your heart of hearts you KNOW that you shouldn’t still be in this relationship.  Marriage will NOT solve your issues.

Don’t let the fact that things are temporarily “better” cloud your judgment.  That is a bandaid for your true problems, and it won’t solve your issues.

Post # 8
Member
2818 posts
Sugar bee

I’m with team cut your losses and leave. I’m not sure why you’d want to marry him in the first place if this relationship is this difficult. You really shouldn’t have to try so hard. Use the skills you’ve learned in therapy on your next relationship and move on with your life while you’re still young. If you got married now, the odds of it being a lasting and happy marriage are slim to none. 

Post # 9
Member
10306 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I agree with your SO. 5 months of improvement after 4 years of a dysfunctional and flat out bad relationship is not enough time to gage whether or not you guys can actually keep these improvements going. If anything, I think this is going to be a real test to see if you backslide into old habits.

Personally, I think it’s kind of crazy to marry someone when it’s so clearly not working.

Post # 10
Member
9260 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ellafitzgerald :  Relationships should not be this hard. If you have issues with “general incompatibility”, you’re going to spend the rest of this relationship feeling angry, disappointed, and resentful. Why not find someone that you’re compatible with? Sticking with a bad thing is not admirable.

Post # 11
Member
3297 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think therapy is going to solve the issues you two have surrounding “general incompatibility” and “strong personalities”.

OP, aren’t you exhausted after 4 years of constant rough patches and fighting!? I don’t feel like this relationship is “meant to be”. It sounds VERY draining.

Post # 12
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

This is the definition of sunken fallacy. OP take a critical look at this relationship before pushing for marriage.

Post # 14
Member
6236 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
ellafitzgerald :  sometimes it ain’t over until it’s over so if you want to pursue the line you’re on to fully satisfy yourself that you’ve tried everything then that’s a valid strategy. 

However as past behaviour and experience is a good indicator of future actions and as you’ve posted here concerned about wasted time, your biological clock and his lack of desire to move things forward, id say it all sounds like a lot of hard work with no reward and I can’t see anything healthy in what you describe.  

But, as I say, maybe seeing through the therapy to a predetermined end point will give you some basis upon which to set your timeline to satisfy yourself if this relationship is for you or not.  Just double check yourself that you aren’t using it to delay the inevitable and missing out on a lot of fun time and opportunities to meet someone else.  

 

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