(Closed) So nervous about the ceremony (sort of a spinoff).

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I can’t say I know how you feel but my sister does. She got married 3 weeks before my husband and I and it took all I can do to get her to get down the aisle. My sister has had times in her life where her anxiety would get in her way, she left a job and avoids being the center of attention. In the end she did it and she told me time and time again that her anxiety was near to non that day. Lock eyes with your Fiance and don’t look anywhere else. You can make your ceremony however you like it. My sisters was short and straight to the point where as mine was a little longer where we did the sand ceremony and communion. She has 120 people and I had 65. The only difference I feel my ceremony was to others was we did our sand ceremony and communion “private” we turned our backs to everyone and took the time to enjoy a special moment rather than facing the 65 people who were there. 

I know I’m sure this is something you hear a lot but try to relax… it’s over before you know it and honestly you get in this complete zone where you wont know whats going on around you. 

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

First, I’m really sorry that you’ve had to deal with so many anxiety issues – I have anxiety issues as well, and I know how crippling and tough to deal with it can be. I’m also sorry that your family doesn’t support you or try to understand how you feel, and instead uses it to hurt you.

Have you tried getting some counseling for your anxiety issues? I know it helped me SO MUCH. I didn’t see the person for long, just four sessions, but we worked together on ways for me to navigate my anxiety and fears and settle/shake them. I still have some issues, but not nearly as bad – I do yoga, breathing and exercise to help control my nerves and stress.

If you can find some way to work through the anxiety, especially with a professional I urge you to do so. There’s no reason you shouldn’t enjoy your wedding day and the planning completely!

Also: if you have gotten help and it didn’t work/don’t think that’s possible, you might consider elopement. It may disappoint your family, but this day should be about you, your SO and what you both want. Maybe eloping with just one or two friends or family members might be a better idea than a larger ceremony? Just a thought.

Post # 6
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Pinksapphire: First of all — OMG, I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this for the past few years. I assume that you’ve tried counseling and therapy? I’m wondering whether some cognitive-behavioral stuff, exposure therapy, mindfulness techniques, etc might not help with some of this in the days before.

I’m a little on this side of things too — a few fainting attacks in my teens, and I suddenly had a whole set of issues related to “OMG what if I pass out in public?” I’ve mostly been able to master this through a combination of avoidance of super-triggery situations, physical techniques (progressive tensing/relaxing, deep breathing), and what I like to think of as “shame reduction”: (explaining to myself what’s going on and that it’ll pass in a few; legitimizing my reactions [“It really is warm in here,” “Ugh, that other person looks freaked out by this film too…], simply mentioning to others that I’m feeling a little weird and might need to step out, and mentally minimizing the impact of the worst case scenario.)

I’m nervous about the walk too, but I’m taking the “IT’S MY DAY” route on this one. No matter what happens, if my Fiance and I end up married, we did it right. And since we’re self-uniting, all that has to happen is for us to say a couple phrases. So basically — it WILL be OK.

I hope that you end up with a wedding that you love, no matter what.

Post # 7
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Pinksapphire: You can keep your backs to your guests the whole time! You can also angle yourselves where your Fiance is facing your guests more so than you are during your vows. Talk you your officiant I’m sure he/she can help you make it as easy as possible for you.

Your going to be gorgeous and do great!

Post # 8
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

@Pinksapphire: I completely understand where you are coming from. I have severe social anxiety disorder and the thought of walking dow the aisle and standing up in front of so many ppl had me anxious from the start.

What we have decided was to invite everyone 1 hour prior to the ceremony. For nibblies and drinks and meet with the bride and groom before the ceremony. That way I figure I will have already talked to everyone, im with my partner and its very relaxed. Then the celebrant will ask everyone to take there seats and we will begin.

Im like you, i still want the romance, the beautiful vows and the sand ceremony. This is one way that I hope will calm me down enough to do it.

Just remember, everyone that is there loves you. No one wants to see you fail. Take your partners hand and everything will be ok.

Best of luck

Post # 11
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

@Pinksapphire: I only just found this out but a lot of people do the ‘first look’ in private. I am so in agreeance to this. We are doing the same as your partner suggested. Its not like we are not living together already so the whole dont see the bride before the wedding is null and void I feel. I think waking up with my partner on the day we make the biggest commitment in our lives to each other is just plain romantic. I even took my fiance dress shopping, after all its his opinion that matters the most on the day.

Post # 12
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Pinksapphire: Or, in this case, attending my own wedding.  I won’t be able to sit down or step away during the ceremony.  If I do, everyone is going to think I’m nuts!  In regards to the “fight or flight” response, I will not have the option of “flight”.  So, I think that’s really what is getting to me.

I think from what you’ve said, and knowing my own reactions — this is EXACTLY what’s getting to you! It’s the “shame” element — “they’re going to think I’m nuts.” You said that it’s going to be a 50 person wedding, right? How many people there already know about your history of panic disorder? Would it make you feel more or less weird if everyone there knew that this was something that you struggle with — like someone else might struggle with diabetes or high blood pressure or muscular dystrophy, and need to factor that into the ceremony plans? No one would judge a bride with muscular issues who needed to have a chair or something up front in case she needed it — they’d just roll with it, right? Give yourself whatever options you need to get through this. You’re allowed to feel — no shame — however you feel, and there are great reasons for however you do feel. But no outcome is compulsory. You’ve grown so much since your HS graduation. You know how to handle yourself and your condition, and you know that even if you’d have a bad reaction on that day — it wouldn’t touch off a recurrence of your condition. You have a different set of tools to work with now.

Obviously, only you know what’s right for you as far as the management of this condition goes. But if you can embrace the “so what if they think I’m nuts?” attitude and just be up front with folks about it  — “I’m VERY excited to marry Fiance, but I’m VERY nervous to be up in front of all of those people. That’s just the way I am,” — how awesome would that be? Obviously your darling Fiance already knows you, knows that part of you, and has accepted it as part of the woman he loves. Other than that, everyone else can just go take a hike. 🙂

Finally — let me just give you extensive kudos for the work you’ve done on your own. That takes incredible mental strength, and not many people struggling with depression, agoraphobia, etc are able to muster what it takes to do that work on their own. You should (and do, I think), feel GREAT about that.

Sorry for the novel — clearly this is a topic that I connect with!

Post # 13
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Pinksapphire: I have to say, my now husband and I spent the night together, woke up together, and did a private first look…and SO MANY PEOPLE told me that I was one of the calmest brides they had ever seen. I chalk it up completely to the fact that we did all of these things. It was natural for us. We live together, and this was our wedding day. Why would we want to force ourselves to stay away from each other all day when the entire day is focused on us coming together?

I was like you and so terrified of everyone staring at me during the ceremony, and we had around 150 guests. Once we were there, and I started walking up the aisle with my dad, I didn’t even notice the guests. I just stared at my husband the entire time and it kept me calm. I couldn’t even tell you now who was even at my wedding ceremony because I made it a point to just focus on him. Like PPs have said, everyone is there to support you and be happy for you. They aren’t there to criticize or make you feel nervous! You will be okay, I promise. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I do not have anxiety issues myself but my hubby does.  We purposely had a small wedding (40 people) of only close family and friends.  I can honestly tell you that once we made eye contact, as I was coming down the aisle with my father, our eyes never left each other and I had no clue anyone else was even there.  Hubby later told me that it wasn’t near as bad as he thought it would be.  We held hands through the entire ceremony and I think that helped the situation some.

Your intimate wedding will not be the same as that evil ole graduation ceremony.  I sincerely promise you that.  You’ve got this wedding-thing, and it will go splendidly.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Pinksapphire:  hi there. I know this was written a long time ago but I am so relieved I have finally seen someone have the same feeling as I do about the wedding ceremony. Mine is next week and I’m already having anxiety about it. Worried I will have a panic attack standing up there and either faint or walk out. I want to enjoy it and not let my brains panicy feelings ruin it for me. I do wish we did a smaller ceremony more intimate as this one with 100 people is starting to give me chest pains from the anxiety! I’m online learning some ways how to get through it by breathing etc. I sure feel crazy! Lol everyone I know keeps saying “it’s for you to enjoy, your wedding day’ people who haven’t had panic attacks will never understand and it doesn’t help at all. 

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