SO never makes the first step to make up after a fight

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
12031 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

emeraldine:  girl, you need to do some thinking about this relationship. He acts like a petulant child over a silly comment? Doesn’t speak to you for days? He is not ready or able to be the kind of partner you deserve. 

Post # 17
4204 posts
Honey bee

I’ve read your other posts about this guy and I have to say I don’t think you two are on the same page, relationship-wise. You want commitment, romance and someone you feel is a life partner who works through life’s issue with you- as you should!

He, on the other hand, seems immature- you bruised his precious ego so now he’s acting like a petulant child, he never sees how he’s wrong, he didn’t get you a flipping CHRISTMAS present because he “didn’t have time” (ie he didn’t care enough to bother), he’s already told you not to expect a ring or a proposal or even a wedding and he’s still talking to some other girl he used to hook up with even though it upsets you? 

He’s clearly showing you the type of guy he is and I think you’re holding out hoping he will turn into the one you want him to be, but is that what you want? Are you really willing to commit yourself to a guy you have to approach as if he’s 5 because that’s the only way to deal with him?

Post # 18
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013


In all seriousness I’d order this book, read it myself and then ask him to read it with me or after me so we could discuss it. The 5 languages of apology by Gary Chapman:

 ETA: if after all the issues you’re having he didn’t put in the effort to read something that would obviously benefit you as a couple…I’d say you need some alone time for real to figure out if you still want to be with this guy.

Post # 20
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yeah you can keep justifying his BS but he is not a good partner. 

Post # 21
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My lord. This is EXACTLY how my ex right before my Fiance was. Had to be right NO. MATTER WHAT. It started tearing at my soul. I couldn’t take it. I broke up with him because of it. That, and the double standards behind it. He could do something wrong and say he did nothing and im overreacting. I could do the same thing and id have to profusely apologize for a week. He was a jackass. I think you should be considering if you can deal with this behavior for the rest of your life OP. Good luck.

Post # 22
33 posts

He’s never said sorry for anything?  I would end that relationship with a quickness,  it takes a grown-up to admit they’re wrong, no one is perfect and right all the time. You’re in a relationship with a manchild. 

Post # 24
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

emeraldine:  Have you ever said to him, “I think you owe me an apology…”? If you have what has he said to that?

Post # 26
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My ex before my Fiance was like this. And it was hard to break it off because we had been together for two years and talked about marriage, and when we weren’t fighting it felt like a good relationship. But I am SO happy I ended it. I couldn’t imagine going through life with someone who would start an argument (because it was usually his fault – something he said or did that was really immature) and then ignore me for multiple DAYS over it. Then I would have to apologize and so on until HE decided everything was okay. 

That is no way to live. You deserve better. 

Edited to add: This ex also had a habit of saying he just “disagreed” or “saw it differently” in response to flat-out facts. Or he would act like his opinion (that he didn’t hurt my feelings, or whatever) was fact. It was awful. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  KitSnicket.
Post # 27
246 posts
Helper bee

This is how he’s acting at 30 years old? For real? He sounds extremely childish and immature. I personally wouldn’t invest long term with a man who can’t bother to improve our conflict resolution. You (jokingly) called him out on rude behaviour and his response was to withold the information of his schedule.. that’s way off base. I mean, I’ve jokingly called out my FH and vice versa for something similar and we usually apologize right away, laugh it off, and then share what’s going on. And it’s no big deal. That type of situation should not amount to a fight, really. Imagine spending the next X years of your life with a man who treats you like this, are you okay with that? 

Post # 28
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Sounds like he’s a huge baby. For what it’s worth, I’m usually against any relationship where “snooping” is required.

Post # 29
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

emeraldine:  In that case it sounds like he’s not just immature but maybe a bit (or even a lot) egotistical. Sounds like he has never been made to apologise or own up to anything growing up and he’s probably been getting away with it since and so genuinely believes that he’s not done anything wrong, as opposed to someone who knows he’s wrong but is just being stubborn. To be honest I dont really know what advice I could give if he’s not listening when you try talking to him about it apart from trying again and making it clear that you are not prepared to spend your life with someone who is being like this to you   .

Post # 30
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

emeraldine:  After a long time of working this through with my boyfriend, I realized the reason he was seing it differently was because his defenses didn’t allow him to truly hear my point of view. He filtered out what I was saying to soothe his ego.

We have worked on this a lot. He still can do it here and there, but he is overall really good, especially when he really knows he said something stupid. 

I kind of like the analogy of the 5-year old, to be honest. Instead of coddling him with bringing up the fight, it seems like a point blank “this is unnacceptable, so unless you are willing to work on this for the sake of our future marriage I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this…” and remind him that you are a team. So when one team member is upset, he should feel it too. I find that the best conversations I have with my boyfriend is when I approach it as an opportunity to problem solve for the sake of our little team. It sounds juvenile, but when someone has been coddled or doesn’t like to admit they may have done something to upset you, then phrasing it like that allows their defense to go down and a conversation to follow. 

If you are engaged, I would recommend couple’s counseling to work on this. Better counseling than a divorce. 

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