(Closed) SO of 5 yrs broke up with me yesterday, I'm not 'the one'

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Give him space. Give him time. Give him up.

It will hurt like hell and suck, but do it. That’s your only option. Actually it’s either that or find a way to stay together (like begging, screaming, pleading, guilting)….and doing that will make him unhappy and resentful.

You both are so young…I actually think it’s normal to be reconsidering lifestyle choices at that age and even older. It’s good that he’s considering this very seriously and being honest with you, though the outcome of his consideration isn’t what you hoped for.

I would ‘do you’ (working on yourself, doing things you enjoy, growing as a person) and move on. There’s a chance he may come back, but I wouldn’t bank on it becuase then you won’t be able to move on. It sucks for someone else to have control like that, but maybe if/when he comes back, YOU won’t want a relationship. Or maybe you will and he will be in a better place to be in a relationship.

I hope this helps and make sense. Trust me, it’s better to be re-evaluating now than down the road of engagement or marriage. 

I’ll close with the old addage: if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.

Post # 19
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP, don’t wait for him. He’s thought about this and instead of dragging it out, he’s acting on his feelings. That’s honourable. No one decides to break up without having mulled it over for a good long while.

I know you’re sick of hearing this, but you’re young. So young, despite what it seems now. Leave with the good memories and rebuild!

Post # 20
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@AussieSummer:  He is not “perfect.” He has had doubts for five years, and mislead you about it over and over until he hit a breaking point and had to come clean.  He probably tried very hard to convince himself he really did want and mean to marry you, but he has finally come to terms with the truth.  Be thankful he did come clean when he did, instead of dragging you through the mud for years more!  

You have been with him through some very sensitive and formative years, so you currently feel like your whole life is built around him. But it isn’t. This is your chance to actually grow as an individual into an adult. It will be very very painful, but you can do it.  In time, hopefully you can come to see this as the opportunity it is instead of a curse.

Honestly, the time between age 20 and 25 is SUCH a game changer for your personality. You guys might have hit the end of that and realized you’d grown apart naturally anyhow. It is good to instead have this time as an unwritten page.

 

Post # 21
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Honestly there might have been a better way to break up with you than this

Whats the truth behind all this, I don’t buy the whole its not you its me

He’s 23 and you’re 21, does he want to party and dick around with other girls cause you guys are so young?

He’s not perfect. There is something behind this other than just not knowing and being confused. Has he found someone else and you just don’t know it? Is he going to be the one making more money? There is ALWAYS a reason. Search for it, no one leaves a relationship like that WILLY NILLY out of NO WHERE, it had to have come from somewhere. 

Find that reason and you will be able to move on. The way he broke up with you would have me question for months/years and ruin my life hanging onto why couldnt we have been such and such and what could have been. 

Post # 22
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@AussieSummer:  i am so sorry to hear this.  i can feel your heartbreak in your post.  you have been together for a while and you only know being with him.  change is not easy but sometimes it’s for the better.  you are still very young.  you have so much to look forward to. 

this is the time to focus on yourself.  set yourself some goals; short and long term.  keep yourself busy.  join some clubs or the gym.  meet some new friends.  start a new hobby, learn a new language.  the point is, live your life. 

stay positive and confident.  never give up hope, trust me.

Post # 23
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I second everyone who said don’t wait.

Through insane odds, I am marrying the guy who said he “wasn’t in a good place to get married” five years ago.

But it’s not because I waited on him, because I didn’t. What I am saying is that, if you work on you for awhile and he sees what kind of amazingness you’re drawing into your life, he is way more likely to decide he is wrong than if you’re at home listening to “Raining in Athens” and crying on that pillow that still kind of smells like him. I don’t believe in meant to be, but it seems like sometimes people do find their way back to one another if they’re really in sync.

And if he still doesn’t appreciate you at that point, after he sees what he will be missing out on for the rest of his life, someone else will. Probably lots of them. But I bet at least one will be amazing.

 

Post # 24
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s probably not you. You two have been together for your whole young-adult lives… he is probably scared of getting married knowing that he is officially giving up the idea of a traditional 20s experience. Maybe he will realize that it’s not all he was hoping for, but I wouldn’t wait around for him to come crawling back.

Post # 25
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@EffieTrinket: (Reply # 22) –> THIS 100% 

Take the time to grieve, and then as  

View original reply
@Skittles131:  said so eloquently in (Reply # 17):

Give him space, give him time, give him up.

Life if like this unfortunately… we grow up and change.  You are still quite young… trust me the person you were at 16 (when you met him) and now at 21 is vastly different… I am sure you can see that.

And so it will be when you are 23, 25, 29, and beyond.

Life is not static, we grow.

The advice from  EffieTrinket:  is extremely profound… because it is true the BEST OF YOU is yet to come be discovered… you need to go out there and find it.

And if he still doesn’t appreciate you at that point, after he sees what he will be missing out on for the rest of his life, someone else will. Probably lots of them. But I bet at least one will be amazing.

You need to be THAT PERSON so a whole bunch of potential life mates will be drawn into your life.

Lol, as for the comment…

But I bet at least one will be amazing

I’d change it to say…

ONE WILL BE AMAZING… (and it would be You)… whomever falls in love with you will be amazing also cause they SEE that in you, and appreciate it !!

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 26
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee

@AussieSummer:  he’s not perfect, he doesn’t want to marry you.., the perfect guy will!!!! Honestly, he’s probably just scared because he’s so young. I would just do my own thing for a while and move on. I’m sorry he blindsided you with this but it’s better to do it now than after you’re married!

Post # 27
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AussieSummer:  I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. As a PP said, we’ve all been there and I know how much it hurts. 

There’s been great advice given so far, and I can only reiterate:

– He’s not perfect. Nobody is. Give yourself time, and distance, and you’ll soon recognise his flaws and weaknesses.

– If it’s meant to be, it will be. But ONLY if you give him space and time to sort himself out. As another bee said, your best chance of getting him back is by not waiting for him. And along the way, you may very well realise that he’s not the right person for you after all.

– You guys are young, you should both be seizing this opportunity to grow as individuals. When I think of the person I was at 20, and the person I am now (10 years later), we are worlds apart when it comes to just about everything. Same goes with the guy I was dating at 20, and the man who will soon become my husband.

He’s freaking out because at the age of 23, he sees his whole life laid out before him. So much changes in your 20s, embrace that change and be excited about the person you could become. 

In the short term…don’t call him. Distance yourself, it’s what you both need. Fill up your days with activites, surround yourself with people. Try and do new things and make new friends that don’t know about him – it’s good to develop social circles afresh, especially after 5 years. I promise you it’ll get better. 

Post # 28
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@AussieSummer:  

I wouldn’t say go out and look for someone, but you might want to go out with friends, male ones, or even a date or two.

If he thinks you’ll always be there, he will probably be “unsure” for a long time.  If he really loves you, the thought of losing you should snap him back to reality.

I guess it would be difficult if you see him as “perfect”…

Just keep in mind, it’s not your fault he’s “confused”…

Post # 29
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@AussieSummer:  Honestly? See if he would be willing to go to relationship counseling with you. Give him the freedom that if he DOES figure out how he feels, then he is free to leave.

Any other advice I might give, I’m sure has already been given.

 

(hugs)

Post # 30
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@AussieSummer:  Oh honey, no one is perfect. I was in your shoes before when I was also 23 years old and my ex and I dated for 6 years. He was scared to commit. You are hurt right now, but trust me, things will get better once you pass this. Although you love him, but I have realized that love is not enough in a relationship.

I would not wait for him. Let the hurtful feeling sink in, then stand up tall again. Focus on yourself. Go out, get involve in the community, open your heart up to everyone. And you will realize there are interesting people out there. And then you will compare people to your ex, it will hit you that he is not perfect as you thought. Then you move on.

I wish you the best. Hugs.

Post # 31
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@sweetpotata:  +1. If he is not sure, that is reason enough not to wait around for him to figure it out. It shouldn’t take a break for someone to realize that they are in love with someone else. I would absolutely not wait. I would focus on myself, my family, my friends, and enjoying my life. I would do whatever I could to find happiness and make sure that I am happy on my own without a man. Then I would open my heart to dating again, and not my ex. I would find someone who was sure about me and ready to commit and invest fully.

I know this sounds easier said that done, but we have all been there. It happens, it’s a fact of life, you feel like you will never get over it…and then you do. I thought my mother was insane when she said time would heal the wound of breaking up with my ex of nearly a decade. I thought I’d be alone forever and never find love again. And then I did, and it has been the best experience of my life. “Losing him” was the best damn thing that ever happened to me and I feel like you will come to that conclusion in due time as well.

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