(Closed) SO offered job out of state. I'm torn

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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louiseey :  

How long have you been together?

 

Post # 4
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

What do you mean by “break up with him for his own good?”  That does not seem fair.  He is a adult and can make his own decisions and no matter what he chooses that is his choice.  All you can do is be supportive of his decisions and make your own choices.  

Post # 5
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, you have only  been together for 11 months.  I understand now.  If neither of you want a LDR and he chooses to go the best thing to do would probably be to walk away.  

Post # 7
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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louiseey :  

Tough position. Has he brought up marriage? Has he asked you what you think he should do?

I agree with you – you should not pack up your life and move without even an engagement ring. By the same token, I don’t think you are in a position to tell him he can’t, shouldn’t or you don’t want him to take the job.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask where he thinks your relationship is headed and start the discussion from there. If the place he wants to move is someplace you can’t see yourself, I think you should factor that in as well though.

I just read your update. If he is basing his decision on you, then he should be ready to take the next step in your relationship! How do you feel?

Post # 10
Member
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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louiseey :  I don’t think you should go. I also don’t think you should be the one to break up. Tell him you can’t go, but you support him in taking the job and will either try long distance or you all can take a break. If he cries about it, that sounds like manipulation IMO. You’re wise not to follow a boyfriend around. 

Post # 11
Member
10548 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think breaking up with someone “for thier own good” is patronizing and shows a lack of respect for that person. He’s an adult and should be allowed to make this decision. Let him prioritize his own life and make his own decisions. 

Post # 13
Member
2219 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I relocated for my husband. He knows that if we weren’t together or had broken up that I would not be here. He knows that if we divorce I’m likely to look at relocating. He knows I would rather live in my hometown.

But he also knows that in spite of that I choose to live with him. That given the choice of living in my hometown without him or living here with him, I chose him and I continue to choose him. That I will choose to live with him for the next 60 years (if we’re lucky). That I will choose to live with him here, or somewhere else that isn’t my hometown because I’m choosing him. He trusts me not to resent him and he trusts me that I will bring up the conversation if I’m ever too unhappy.

All you can do is be honest with him and tell him you wouldn’t want to relocate without being engaged. More than that though you don’t see yourself being happy there. It isn’t your place to preemptively guess what he’ll do and break up so it’s easier for him. It’s not your place to assume how his feelings will develop. If he stays it’s because he’s choosing to and you have to trust him when he tells you that you’re enough, that he won’t regret it. You need to trust his decision, which ever one he decides. It’s a massive risk but then so is anything in this thing called love.

Post # 14
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I picked up my life and moved for someone. I moved to a city I hated. I made friends, I found a job, I grew to stand it. But it was never my home. So in a way, I get it. I really do. 

However, why do you not want to move? Because you’re scared of not having friends? Do you not like the place? Are you worried about finding a job?

I like adventures. This could be a good one. But you have to want it.  

 

Post # 15
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

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louiseey :  Then honestly I think that’s his own personal decision.  If he chooses to stay then great, but just remind him to be sure that he’s doing it for the right reason, and that you don’t want him to regret it, or make a decision and hold it over you later.  If he’s still fine staying then be grateful and let it be 🙂  But I wouldn’t go if I were you.

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