(Closed) SO offered job out of state. I'm torn

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Im worried that the “I’m not going unless you go” thing is a way to control you and ultimately convince you to go!  He doesn’t do long distance? Lol really?  Did he say that to you?

You would be making a big mistake going with him to a place you don’t like and starting all over again.  At 11 month you are still getting to know him.

I would be very firm and clear that you want the best for him and he should make up his own mind what to do.  And you will make up your mind.  Smiling, loving and firm.   He can’t later put it on you that he did not go to his dream location. He made up his own mind about it.  

He comes back at you later with blaming you for not moving to his new job and what he gave up for you blah blah.  Then you’ll know what kind of person he really is.

Post # 17
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

It is not fair for him to put you in that position. This is his choice and his choice alone.  If he chooses to stay because you will not move, it is his choice.  If he chooses to go and not do a LDR that is his choice too.  You made your choice and with good reason.  Now it is his turn to make a decision. Do not feel guilty either way.  

I see red flags in this relationship.  This is potentially a toxic situation. Is he typically manipulative?  If he stays and you eventually want to break up, is he the type to hold this decision over your head to keep you around?  Im not saying that he’s not a great guy, but it just doesnt seem fair to hold such a big life choice at this point in your relationship.  I feel like if he really wanted both the job and you, he would go and then propose when the time is right.  The details can always be worked out, expecially if you are willing to leave your family to start your own.  

Post # 18
4099 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
louiseey :  Same job, same pay, but higher cost of living area? Your SO is getting screwed. 

Post # 19
1701 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
louiseey :  

I wouldn’t look at it that way. Sometimes in life we reach a crossroads where you make a realization and a decision comes from that realization. He may have realized through this that he doesn’t want to be without you! 

I still wouldn’t pack up your life without at least an engagement ring, but keep your mind open to all possibilities if you really love him and can’t picture your life without him.

Post # 20
15136 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why would he want to move somewhere for the same job, same pay and high cost of living.. and away from you and friends/family.  That just sounds insane to me.  Is he from that area and wants to go “home”? 

Anyways, I’d just let him decide what he wants to do.  If he wants to break up and go, then let him. If he wants to give up the job and stay.  That’s his choice too.  Don’t do anything like break up with him so he can’ be free to go and to “force” his hand one way or another. 

My husband is in my state cause of me.  I will not leave.  He understands and has stayed for me, I didn’t tell him to stay with me and stay.  I made, my choice, and he made his to stay too.  When it comes to location issues like this.. .someone has to give, but no one should force it one way or another.

Post # 21
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
ct2015 :  I disagree. If he realizes through this that she’s someone he wants to be with forever then I think he should move, do the LDR for a little while and then propose down the road. Proposing now would seem, like OP said, like he was doing it just to force her to move. An engagement is no guarantee, especially one that comes out of “forced” circumstances after less than a year together. 

Post # 22
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My friend got offered the job of her dreams in Australia a few years ago. Her company were willing to help her boyfriend get a visa to go with her.

He backed and forth for months about whether to go with her. He would quit his job, then ask for it back, say he was going, then not etc. In the end he did go with her, but the damage was done. He loved it out there (and is still there) but they broke up about a year after the move.

I think you have three options here;

1) go and make the best of it

2) don’t go, but try to persuade your SO to try LDR for a few months so you have time to make the move on your terms

3) Go, but only for a limited time. Take and extended break from work for a few weeks and see what it is like there and whether you could make a longer term move.

For what it is worth, my husband had to go to Germany for a year early in our relationship. I wasn’t able to go with (still at uni) and we did LDR for that time. I missed him like nothing on earth, but it was wonderful going to visit him and we are still together 12 years later.

Post # 23
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I wouldn’t do it, no pay increase with the same job just a different state? Take in to account that the cost of living is higher, why would he want to take that job it seems like a step down. I agreed to move out of state with my then BF, because he was offered a larger salary and the cost of living was lower. Plus we were dating for nearly 4 years.

Him refusing to go without you first, or even have a long distance relationship is concerning. Almost manipulative.

Post # 24
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He “wont do long distance”?? Fuck that. I would let him go then. Frankly a guy who flat out refuses to even consider doing long distance if the circumstances forced it is not someone who is that serious about you. You want someone who can’t imagine being with anyone else, regardless of the distance…not someone who is only happy to be with you if it’s geographically convenient!

He’s also putting you in a really unfair position. If you don’t go then you feel you’re “standing in the way of his happiness”…but if you do go, you have to sacrifice so much of your own life for someone who isn’t yet ready to get engaged to you.

Look, if this guy was serious about you…and also an emotionally mature person himself, the only reason he’d be moving across the country away from you was for a job change that would truly enhance his career or at least personal happiness. And he would want to make the decision together, and would be understanding if you weren’t ready to follow him just yet (it’s only been 11 months after all).

I was actually in the same boat about a year into my relationship with my Fiance. Except he got offered a job (about 1000 miles away) that was truly a dream job for him and there was no way he could pass it up. I encouraged him to go, but said I would not be joining him unless we were engaged. I said I’d be happy to do long distance in the meantime, but I just wasn’t going to uproot my entire life for someone who wasn’t ready to put a ring on it. My Fiance noodled on it for a month or so and then he proposed and I followed him out there.

Do I worry that he only proposed because of the pressure? No–he’s an adult and he’s not the type of person who would make a life-altering decision like gettng engaged because someone pressured him to do so. I do think I expedited his timeline a bit…he probably would have waited until we were settled in the new city together and living together for a few months first, if left to his own devices. But after I calmly explained my rationale to him, he understood where I was coming from and was happy to take the step of getting engaged sooner. I did ask him once, half jokingly, if he only proposed due to the pressure I put on him, and he replied, simply, “I would not have proposed if I didn’t want to.”

Post # 25
1701 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
carolinabelle :  

I can see it that way too. That is one nice thing about the internet – you can look at things from different points of view 🙂

Post # 26
6398 posts
Bee Keeper

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louiseey :  Do you know if he’s the one?  If my now husband got a job offer out of state I’d follow him.  I’d do it because we know early on we were the ones for each other.  For my ex?  I’d wish him farewell and good luck.

Post # 27
402 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
louiseey :  I think there’s a lot that depends on the state and stage of your relationship. Have you been talking about marriage? Do you see yourselves making that kind of commitment? What are his reasons for wanting you to go with him so badly? Is it because he wants to deepen your relationship and make a commitment, or because he’s not comfortable with change, and wants to keep a certain degree of consistency while he adjusts to a new location? In other words, it might be time for a real heart-to-heart, if you haven’t already had one. 

To your point about not wanting to move, I completely understand. My husband and I moved to a new state a year ago, and when we got the news that he would need to relocate in order to have this job – his dream job – I was thrilled for him but utterly devastated for myself. I am not good with change. But, now that we’ve been here for a year, I genuinely feel like it’s the best thing we could have done. Of course, it was hard to say goodbye to my friends and the city that I had lived in for 11 years. But our new state has so much that my husband and I both like. It was also an act of deep commitment, for me to actually follow through on the vows that I recited on our wedding day. That takes me back to my original point – about the state of your relationship. Some people think 11 months is still early, but my husband and I were already unofficially engaged by that point, and very sure that we were going to spend our lives together. What is your intuition telling you?

Post # 28
5082 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I really don’t get why PPs are saying the guy’s an asshole because he doesn’t want to do long distance. I wouldn’t want to do long distance either, so I’d give up the job and stay, which it sounds like he’s planning on doing if OP doesn’t want to go. 

Not everyone prioritizes their career over their relationships, I think that it’s perfectly ok to decide that your relationship is more important than a potential new job. I’d work as a ditch digger before I moved away from my husband (and I felt the same a year in). 

OP, don’t go if you don’t want to, but let your SO make his own decision from there. If he doesn’t want to go without you, good, that’s his decision. But don’t rob him of his own decision by breaking up with him for his own good. 


Post # 29
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

There are many reasons why someone would move to a higher-cost area with the same pay. Unless it was completely unaffordable, I would certainly do it if I lived in a small town or rural area and had a chance to live in a city with all it had to offer. Location is super important. I agree that you should let him make his own decision, OP. Don’t let him pressure you, and don’t pressure him.

Post # 30
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

louiseey :  I moved with my now husband to a city 4 hours away from the city I love when we were dating. I hate this new city, I’m in a crap paying job and don’t really have any friends outside of his friends and family (it’s only an hour away from where he grew up). That being said, I would do it again. I did go back and forth a little bit on if I should go with him or not. He also would only take the job if I went with him, but we had been together about 17 months at the time, though when he applied we had only been together for 13 months. The job is 2 steps up the career ladder and is a lot more money. The cost of living is a lot higher though and I’m making a good deal less and no longer get completely free insurance and dental through my employeer like I did previously so all that comes out of his check since I have to be on his. All-in-all even though it’s about $30,000 more a year we don’t see any of it because it all goes to cost of living. I definately would have told him no if it was the same job and same pay, unless it was where we had talked about ending up. We both knew right away we were going to marry each other some day, and marriage had always been in the talks even pretty early on. So I think that’s something you need to think about.

Is he the one? If he is you will either make long distance work or you’ll move with him. If he’s not the one then break it off. I feel like at 11 months most people have an idea if they’re with the person they want to marry, otherwise you wouldn’t still be with them. So I think that’s really what you need to focus on, also look into what jobs are for you in the area and take that into consideration.

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