(Closed) SO offered job out of state. I'm torn

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He has his stance, and you can have yours. His comment about going if you weren’t around isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Maybe you are a big enough piece of his life that you outweigh all the benefits of being a bachelor in the new city. Now that the cards are all on the table, he will have to decide himself what he wants for his job.

It would be a nice compromise, though, if you guys could do LDR. If the relationship is strong enough, it will survive the challenge. 

Post # 32
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

So my story is that I was dating my husband for about 3ish months when it came up he was in a position to move away to another province for educational/job opportunities. Also, interestingly, about 11-12 hours drive away. I had met him in my hometown of almost 30 years, but he was originally from elsewhere. I did have my “life” in my hometown, including family and career. But…I also did not want to do long distance. We were both older at that point and not interested in that for a relationship. We also knew we had something pretty special. There was absolutely no pressure from my now-husband, though he did want me to come, and he was honest that he was not sure about staying in my hometown for a long time. On my own volition, I looked into tmoving, including flying out and interviewing at a couple places at the new destination (and was offered positions), and saw a chance to start over together in a new city. I didn’t know anyone here either, cost of living was a bit higher, but on the plus side winters were more tolerable 😉 I did leave my family and friends behind, but there are ways to stay in touch and connected. 

And so, about two months later we moved across country together, and moved in together. We were engaged seven months after that, married 2 1/2 months after that, and recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. Still living in the same city we moved to all those years ago. Now we stay for my career, and my husband will go where we need to go for my career, but we have built a life here and I am happy here. For ME, picking up and moving was the right decision, no regrets at all, even though we weren’t engaged, married, or even living together yet at the time. Indeed, it was only just prior to the discussion about moving came up that we had exchanged “I love yous”. For me, it was an adventure, a fresh start, and turns out I LOVE where I live now, and it has provided many opportunities both career wise, and lifestyle wise. Not to say I never miss my family and friends back in my old hometown – it was for example very hard when my mother was dying to not be there. But this IS my home now.

I am not saying you should do what I did. AT ALL. All I am saying is, you are both adults and you both need to make the decisions right for you. He gets to decide if staying and living where you live outweighs moving for this new opportunity, just as I got to decide if picking up and moving to be with my now-husband outweighed staying where I was.  You also get to decide staying where you are is more important than moving to be with him, even if it might mean the end of the relationship as neither of you want to do long distance. Neither is the “right” or “wrong” decision. You each get to make your own choices, the best choices on the information you have at the time. But breaking up with him because you don’t want him to “resent you later” is incredibly patronizing. Because as said, he gets to make his own choices as an adult without you making them for him. 

Post # 33
Member
3067 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
louiseey :  taking a position in a more expensive city for the same pay doesnt sound all that smart. I would say try LDR, worst case itll help baby step you two into breaking up, or you will find a way to be back in the same state

If I were you, I would not move. Unless he was offered like a 50% increase, and could help you financially settle in…even then I would send him alone and say after 6 months I will move. ( to see if he even likes it!)

Also, he is a grown man. If he refuses to try it alone ( in a LDR), he has nor eason to resent you down the line. He set his own terms, now you can set yours. Don’t let him pressure you into moving in fear of resentment. 

Post # 34
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
louiseey :  You cannot help how you feel. All you can do is be open and honest with him. Let him know how you feel, how you dont want to stand in his way, but how you dont want to break up. Just lay all of your cards on the table, and at the end of the day, whatever he chooses will be his decision, and his alone, so you should not carry the guilt with you 

Post # 35
Member
2521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

A similar situation happened to my cousin.   They decided to try long distance, but after a couple months, she wasn’t happy and moved to be with him.  Everyone thought it was dumb, because she gave up a job in a very challenging career, but they had been together a long time (I think 9 years at the time).  They got engaged a year after she moved and are getting married.  It is a happy story in the love department, but she is still trying to figure our her carreer and trying to make a life for herself besides fiance/wife.  The other thing to consider- do you know anyone else in the area he is considering moving to?  How would a relocation be for your field?  If you moved and you guys broke up would the fact that you moved there make it more devestating?    

Post # 36
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Have you considered trying long distance? It totally sucks but it will give you both more time to decide what’s right. It sounds like he wants the job, and you don’t want to stop him. In time the distance may make you want to move there or make him move back. Or after trying it, if it doesn’t work out then maybe you’ll feel more comfotable coming to a natural breakup instead of stopping just because of distance. 

Post # 37
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

Another vote for the whole “I won’t move unless you go with me” thing as kinda manipulative and weird. He’s a grown man, he shouldn’t be burdening his girlfriend of less than a year with that sort of implicit responsibility for his decisions and career! You are not a human safety blanket. If you already mean a lot to him, that’s great, but he should communicate that in a less passive way than he’s doing here. For what it’s worth, my husband and I did long-distance (domestic and international) due to our jobs, and aside from the usual pangs of angst from time to time, it really wasn’t that bad, certainly not as bad as either one of us expected. But if he won’t even consider long-distance with you, guess that’s a moot point. Maybe this has been brought up already, but why is he so opposed to even trying it?

Post # 38
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Failure story here: I moved for an ex boyfriend.  I regret every moment of it.

About 5 years ago now I was offered my first teaching job.  It was 8 hours away from my hometown, where I was living at the time.  My boyfriend at the time was offered a job in the same area, which was a draw.  Every gut feeling I had indicated it wasn’t the right choice for me though.  We were dating for over 3 years at that point and I didn’t want to lose him without a fighting shot.  I remember the two of us were at the “make or break” stage of our relationship and were facing a pretty substantial fork in the road of our relationship.

I remember talking through with my BFF the pros and cons of staying or going.  She legit wrote them out for me.  The pros?  Well, there was one pro, the boyfriend.  The cons?  Literally EVERYTHING else.  It was an area I had no interest in, it was far from family and friends, it wasn’t the type of job I was looking for…  But yet I took the job.  It was my first job offer, and one where I thought could benefit my relationship with my boyfriend.  When I was saying my goodbyes before moving I remember crying my eyes out.  I cried when I said goodbye to my friends, my family, my dog, and even my family’s house.  Like, not just a few tears…whole body sobs.  My gut told me “this isn’t the right choice”.  And yet I moved because I loved him.

I had a tough time throughout the transition.  We weren’t living together (even though he had desperately wanted to), and I was struggling in my job.  He loved his job and he loved this new life.  I hated it.  HATED it.  I think he felt bad, but also when I needed him most he wasn’t there.  It was horrible.  I felt so alone in my relationship.  I literally had never felt so alone ever.  Sure enough a few months later we broke up.  It was a blessing, honestly.  We never would have worked out.  I still had 6 months left on my contract and couldn’t move home yet.  I tried to throw myself into my work but I was a mess.  The rest of the year was a shitshow, literally.  I hated the job, I hated the area, and…I held a huge amount of resentment for my ex boyfriend.

You are already thinking him leaving without you may be the best choice.  The tone of your post indicates to me that this relationship doesn’t mean as much to you to stay with him through this move.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  Don’t feel like you have to stay with him through this.  It’s ok.

Post # 39
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
louiseey :  If the cost of living is higher he should be getting a bigger salary.   Financially speaking the move is not a good idea.

 

Post # 40
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee

There’s some details I need to really give an answer. Why this new job? If he from there? Does he have close family there? Was he actively looking for a job there?

Post # 42
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

No you are not a selfish B.  You have the right to want what you want. Now that you have explained the situation better, I would encourage you to think about moving.  Sometimes a change in scenery is a good thing.  I would do the LDR untill you get married and then move in with him. When your SO says that he doesnt want LDR he probably means he doesnt want to do one indefinetly.  If there is a time table, it is easier.  If you give the new city a try and you honestly dont like it You can always move back.  A move is good because sometimes you have to get away to grow.  Your SO could always negotiate for a raise to compensate for the cost of living and taking care of a family in the new city.  I would weigh the pros and cons of moving.  Have you ever been to this city?  It may be a good time to visit.  And if the only reason for sataying is family, make plans to visit frequently.  There are ways to keep in touch.  Do not be afraid to try something new.  Good Luck! 

Post # 43
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know if this is proper Weddingbee etiquette (I’m new here), but I’ve seen other posters do it on other threads, so: I had a look back at your history. This is the same guy you posted about two months ago, right? Who unilaterally pushed back your engagement timeline right after you agreed to move in with him, despite your earlier reluctance to do so without a ring? You said at the time that you didn’t think he was being intentionally manipulative, and who am I to say otherwise, but — in a two-month span, he went from making a big decision without your input (timeline) to refusing to make a big decision without your input (moving). Sure, you can read that as progress, as healthy development. But I’d be asking myself what happened in a two-month span to make him change his views so radically (overrreact?), if that change of attitude will be sustainable down the line, and honestly, I do see the timeline and this move as somewhat manipulative, if in different ways.

Post # 44
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

In my opinion you shouldn’t break up or lose people in your life to live in a different place. It seems to me like he doesn’t want to move bad enough to leave you so if you leave him and he moves he woudn’t be happy anyway. It doesn’t sound like if he popped the question it would be forced. It sounds like if he did it would be to let you know what his intentions are for the future to make you more comfortable with a move. 

Post # 45
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

 

I don’t think you are selfish because he is staying for you. Maybe you guys can talk about goals to relocate somewhere you’d both like to go. This would be different if he’d really like to relocate somewhere and you won’t budge even a little on ANYTHING.

I also don’t think this is a the greatest move for him. As it has been said, same pay, higher living expenses. 

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