(Closed) SO offered job out of state. I'm torn

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 48
157 posts
Blushing bee

Fair enough, it’s hard to accurately piece together someone’s life from their internet presence. 

I would still gently point out that this seems an awful lot of angst for an 11-month relationship.

Post # 50
7595 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ok, after reading your update it does sound like he’s committed to you. I was thrown off by the “I’m not willing to do long distance” comment but I guess he meant that in the sense that he wants to be physically close to you, so he won’t move away unless you come with him…rather than a “my way or the highway” type scenario.

I do think you’re right to stand your ground on this moving issue. It would be different if this was a promotion or a move that would advance his career, or at least provide significantly more money, but none of that is the case. You just have to trust that he’s emotionally mature enough not to pull the guilt-trip card on you down the line over this. Do you have that trust?

Post # 51
157 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry, I don’t mean it as a judgement of you as a person — but yes, it’s a judgement of your relationship, since every opinion and piece of advice is a judgement of some sort. In my outsider’s view, meeting someone, deciding to marry them, questioning moving in together, questioning the engagement timeline, and questioning a location move and its underlying motives is a TON of emotional ground to cover in less than a year. If you don’t agree in your insider’s view, that’s fine, I’m just trying to point out what I, with a bit of distance, see as some problematic trends. You are free to disagree with my points, and maybe that disagreement itself will be helpful.

Post # 52
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I don’t see where he’s being manipulative, is he saying he won’t go without her or is he saying that given the choice he’ll take her over the job?  That latter part is what I read into it.  I’d be devastated if I had been offered a job and my then-boyfriend-now-husband didn’t want to move and I told him he was more important to me than any job and he decided I would resent him and break up with me.

Post # 53
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

Definitely in the middle of this right now. We made the jump – in opposite directions. Still together and happy and on the engagement track, but it does take work.

Maybe he’s just bored and wants to try it for a year. Luckily it’s with the same company and he can maybe tranfer back after a year? I would try the long distance. It will test you guys and who knows, you might end up even more solid than before. Good luck with convincing him!

PS – he’s not getting a raise or changing anything work related? Idk if that’s a good enough reason…

Post # 54
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m just going to chime in and say regardless of your relationship status I would not take that job unless there was at least a cost of living adjustment and a moving stipend.  

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