(Closed) SO officially decided to not come with me when I move. (rant and advice?)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@grignardreagent:  Such a hard decision….I don’t envy you. But can I ask….if you know you will for sure break up when you move in six months, then why stay together now? Why prolong the hurt? So tough…sorry hun. 

Post # 19
Member
8 posts
Newbee

I had been dating my SO for about a year and a half when I moved 2k miles away to another state for a 2-year masters program. He came to visit at fall and spring breaks, and I went back for Christmas and a few weeks after the spring semester was over. He actually found a 1-year contracting job in his field and moved out here, so we are both here now but I will be graduating in a month and we are both moving back to our original location soon.

 

I will say that it was actually easier to make friends and become immersed in my graduate program that first year when he was not here. It was easier to make plans with people (lots of big group Friday night dinners that year) without worrying if he was also invited or welcomed. Also, I had a tough course schedule and was working a lot and wouldn’t have had a lot of time for him. However, I absolutely did not want him to move unless he had a job available and lined up (we aren’t living together now – he works in a nearby town about 20 miles away). I also was nervous about him moving – he’d be giving up a lot in terms of friends and closeness to family and I’d feel like it would be a lot of pressure on our relationship, but it’s worked out fine.

 

It sounds like you’re facing an MD or PhD program rather than a shorter master’s program. I agree that 5 or 6 years might be a long time to do a LDR. However, I don’t think I would be ready to call it quits right yet. Grad school is different from undergrad, for sure – it’s not like everyone breaks up with their SO back home in the first week to play the field. And moving without a job or any source of guarranted income (I don’t know what field he’d be in) would be really rough, I think, as well as the family situation.

 

My advice (sorry this is so long!) would be to see how things go for the next few months and start your program. Maybe he can come visit you during the first semester once or twice and investigate employment options. Then, after the first semester, see how things are going and how you feel. Starting this program will be a big change, and it could make you feel differently about some or a lot of things, or it could strengthen others. But if you really feel something strong for your boyfriend, and he is the one, that will be stronger than a couple of months apart. By that point, he will have been able to see how he feels without you in his day-to-day life and hopefully he and his mother will have had time to grieve as well, and you can both see how you feel about moving forward.

ETA: I just read your previous threads, and wanted to add that I’ve got another grad student as my housemate from before he moved out and now, and that’s worked out well and helped me save costs. And also, that some occupations just aren’t everywhere! Is the industry he is in one that is “universal”, like teaching or medicine, or is it one that only certain locations? That may affect how easy a time he has with finding a job when/if he wants to start looking.

Post # 20
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

@gwaihir:  Looks like she’s headed for a PhD (I’m assuming in chemistry). MD is 4 yrs and MD/PhD is 8 yrs in the US, so it’s neither of those.

 

I’m also writing her a monster of a reply lol.

Post # 21
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

looking over your previous posts, honestly it doesnt seem like he had any interest to move out of state to be with you to begin with. his mother being alone now is just added confirmation for him to stay put. 

 

this isnt something you can control, he’s made his choice, all you can do is accept the current state of things and try to move forward. you’re young, marriage isnt something that needs to happen soon. try to focus on what you can control, your life.. 

 

Post # 22
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I must be missing something (as I haven’t read any of your other posts, before I replied here)

First and foremost… WHERE does it say he is breaking up with you ?

WHAT I did read was you were going off to Grad School… and he was choosing to stay behind for a very valid reason.

I also rad about a family / guy who is going thru a really rough time right now… HIS FATHER DIED !!

His mother is hurting, his family as he has known it forever, has come to a grinding halt NEVER to be the same again.

His role has changed.

He is aware of that.

His mother despite the fact that you see her as “having friends… so she’s not alone” is WRONG.

She is alone… she has lost her Husband.

She needs to lean on family right now (other folks who are grieving like her, and can understand)

(Sorry but I find it ironic you are playing the woe is me card over losing your BF of 2 years… and here we have a woman who has lost her LIFE PARTNER to death… not seperation / a different city.)

His Mom’s situation is VERY VERY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS.. being petty and jealous about her is well just down right self-centred.

Where is the compassion?

You want this man in your life, you need to put on your Big Girl Panties… and be there for him in a more mature way.

IT IS OK… to go off and pursue your own goals / Graduate School without him.  Infact it would be the RIGHT THING for you to do.

And it is OK for him to spend some time with his family while they all come to grips with this LIFE CHANGING EVENT… and how the world is gonna be different for them.

Stop being so selfish…

Let him and his family… have the time and space he needs…

There is nothing wrong with a LDR … unless of course you don’t see yourself as someone who is strong enough / mature enough to take on the responsibility of being faithful.

Honest, your post really really has upset me.  You aren’t acting like a reasonable person at all in my opinion, and making the gals who have LDR sound like they are foolish… or “settling”

Which trust me… THEY ARE NOT

They are making choices based on their ongoing love and commitment to their men thru thick & thin…

But then again, I’m not sure if you are up to that task after reading your post and what you see as your primary concerns at this time.

Sorry.

But ya, maybe your guy is better off without you.

 

Post # 23
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

@grignardreagent:  Love the username, even though organic wasn’t my favorite class. 😉

 

 

I’m afraid I agree with 

View original reply
@fishbone:nbsp;on this one. I’m currently 1500 miles from my boyfriend of 18 months (so you and your BF and my BF and I started dating around the same time, also in our senior year of college) and I just turned 24, so I can definitely come at it from a similar perspective as what it might be like for you. I can really relate to your boyfriend on a lot of levels, as I will explain.

 

 

Looking at your older threads on this site, a year ago you were posting about wanting to marry this guy and then just under a year ago your BF told you he wants to marry you someday. Then 3 months ago you posted about setting a timeline. I feel like that’s some pretty serious talk from the two of you. I mean, you both expressed that you wanted to marry the other person and you were thinking of setting a timeline…that’s not a commitment yet, but it’s definitely hoping to head toward it.

 

 

Are you sure you want to marry him? I feel like you need to answer this for yourself, because you’re basically in a situation in which you are either going to have to back up the ooey gooey lovey “I want to marry you” feelings or decide that you do not want to marry this person. From personal experience, a great guy is hard to come by, so if you think you want to marry your boyfriend, I personally wouldn’t let him go so easily.

 

 

I think that your boyfriend really loves you and is committed to you. It seems like before his father passed away, he was willing to move with you in order to let you follow your dreams of going to your dream graduate school. He was going to leave behind his friends and family and find a new job to come with you (you had posted that he was applying to jobs).

 

 

Out of curiosity, was this around the time his father passed away? If so, I can definitely see why he wasn’t sure what he was going to do at that point. I have been lucky and still have both my parents, but my father was diagnosed with a serious health condition last spring, and that is part of the reason I moved back home for this year. The other part was that my brother was starting to go on the wrong path and I wanted to be there for him during this time period.

 

 

I am so lucky that when I talked to my BF about moving back home, he was supportive. We talked about whether or not we wanted to try distance about 2-3 weeks before graduation (I started posting on the Bee a few months before that asking for advice about it…I found this site due to the LDR forum) and we decided that we loved each other and that we were going to try this distance thing. One thing I definitely asked after we had decided to give this thing a try was whether there was a time limit on how long he wanted to be LDR, and I was lucky that my SO said no…so that’s some advice if for you if it works. You could set some sort of time limit on the LDR if you want.

 

 

Anyway, BF had a job over the summer and then started his grad program last September. We talk every night (usually video chat for 30 min to a few hours depending on our schedules and what we’re doing…if we watch a movie together or are both studying with video chat on obviously it’ll be longer), even if it’s just a phone call to say “I love you” and “good night” (unless one of us is out of the country or without internet…then we email). Since we’re so far apart, we visit once a month. I’m taking some post-bacc classes for a pre-health profession school, so we try our best to arrange visits when there are 3 day weekends or vacation times (fall break, T-giving break Xmas break, spring break, etc) in order to be able to visit for longer periods of time. If there we can only visit for a weekend, it’s no problem, but we obviously prefer to see each other for longer than 2 days. That’s what works for us.

 

 

Now I don’t know you two exactly, but I am a very emotional person. I have trouble being apart from my BF, yet we still do this because that’s what we have to do in order to stay together. I am hoping I can find a job in the city he is in over the summer in order to move, because I really want to be with him and I don’t think my family needs me anymore (I’m glad I was here actually because grandma got sick and had heart surgery recently, but she is recovering well so I should be good to leave in 3 months on the family front at least). The thing it boils down to for us is that we’d rather be together long distance than be single or dating other people. We are really very happy together (there was one trip 2 months into the distance that was awkward, but that was us adjusting to what this new phase of our relationship was like). The fact that we are still happy together despite the distance is what keeps us going. This is definitely more than just a normal day to day relationship, but that’s why I told you that you need to think about/figure out whether your BF is potentially the person you want to marry.

 

 

As I’ve said, I am very emotional. When I leave or he leaves, I end up being really sad and sometimes cry about it. It literally feels like my heart is outside of my body and with him when we are apart. I cry over video chat when I really miss him. I miss him a lot. BF misses me too, but he’s not as emotional and is much better at being at peace with these things and dealing with the situation. It gets easier over time to deal with the heartache of being apart, but if you think your BF is the person you potentially want to marry and this is what you have to do, then this is what you have to do. It is 100% worth it every second I get to have with him (even over video chat).

 

 

As for being worried that doing an LDR is going to hinder your social life or adjusting to your graduate program. I think it’s the opposite, actually. With an LDR you have more time to meet people or do your own work than you would if you were trying to get home to meet your BF every evening. You’ll end up having a schedule that works. We don’t have specific times to talk, but we talk at approximately similar times weekly (depending on class schedules and/or whether we have a tendency to go out on certain days), so it’s not too hard to figure out when we’re going to have time for each other on any given night. Obviously plans are fluid and we text throughout the day to make sure we know what’s going on (we text minimally, though, BF’s not big on texting…probably 1-4 texts from each of us to the other per day, so definitely not more than one conversation). I promise you we have significantly more time to ourselves with the LDR and there is no feeling guilty if one of us wants to go out because we can still talk after and we’re apart so the option of being together in person isn’t there. BF was going out with his classmates 3 nights a week his first semester, and I’m going to be putting in some serious hours studying for my dental school entrance exam starting next week…it would be a lot harder to do either of these two things if we were in the same city because we’d be tempted to hang out with each other more.

 

 

If you still feel the way you did when you created your previous threads and think your BF might be the one, I would STRONGLY urge you to go into this thinking you’ll give long distance a shot. It is 100% worth any extra heartache, and I guarantee you that you will have more flexibility and time to meet friends and adjust to your program after you move (because it will be a big adjustment for you). Oftentimes people use moving with their SO’s as a crutch and don’t set up their own social lives in a new city after they move (this is what I’ve seen with close friends who are in medical school), but you won’t have that luxury.

 

 

The other thing is, you don’t have to do this for 5-6 years. He can still move to join you after a certain time period. Obviously he is having a hard time with his father passing away and I can certainly see how he’d want to stay at home for a while to help his mom adjust. However, I am sure that after that adjustment period, he will again be willing to move for you. He’s not going to be attached to his mom forever! I am assuming it’ll be 6 months to a year and a half (max) of distance before he will join you in the new city. Please don’t resent about him not coming with you right away…that really isn’t healthy and has no place in your relationship. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

 

 

Additonally, before you say again LDR isn’t for you and whatnot, let me just tell you one final thing.Once you get married, you are saying that for better or for worse you will be with this person for the rest of your life. No matter what. Right? Well, life is full of surprises. You never know where it’s going to take you or how your relationship will be tested. I’m not saying that anything bad will happen to you necessarily, I’m just saying that life is unpredictable. Your BF’s father’s death might be an example (since I’m not sure whether he was dying for a while or died suddenly, not trying to be insensitive). Another example: after 20 years of marriage my parents had to do LDR for a year and a half due to one of them being temporarily transferred  to a different part of the country and the other not being able to find a job there for a while. They did it. It’s what they had to get through to stay together.

 

 

Relationships are about compromise. People don’t just give up when the going gets tough. You get through the circumstances life throws at you in the best way you can while hopefully staying together and growing closer in the process. Your boyfriend was willing to compromise and move with you to your new city earlier, but now things have changed and he thinks he has to stay at home for a while to help his mom out because his dad just died. If you think your boyfriend really is the one for you, please back up your words with actions try to give this a shot long distance. That’s the only way you’ll know for sure whether your relationship has lifetime potential.

 

 

Finally, I’d just like to note that if your BF can tell you with certainty that he is not going to move out with you while you are in your grad program, my advice changes somewhat. However, if he hasn’t said anything like that, I don’t understand why you are assuming he will not move, even after things get more settled for his mom.

Post # 24
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@This Time Round:  “maybe your guy is better off without you” I think that’s a bit harsh. If the mother needs support so badly, why doesn’t her daughter move? Why does it all fall on the son? He’s got his own life to live too.

When my grandfather died, her two children (my mother and uncle) both lived in different cities. Of course they went stayed with her for a little while (a couple of weeks I think)… but then got on with their lives.

Sorry but wife comes ahead of mother. A guy who was serious about marriage would realise that 6 months is more than enough time to comfort his mother and then make his life with the woman of his dreams. A guy serious about marriage wouldn’t let a girl go over this.

Post # 25
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

@paula1248:  While I do think that what TTR said in her last sentence is a bit harsh, I agree with all her other points. Plus, what you said certainly works the other way around. A girl who is serious about marriage wouldn’t let her wonderful BF slip away if she could try to make it work long distance (assuming he’d be joining her in a few months to a year) just because it’s hard to be apart from him.

 

 

You really don’t know anything about her BF’s family situation or the circumstances under which his father died or what kind of people the BF and his mother are or how close the family is, etc. Maybe the woman does need extra support for a little while. If this is what he feels he has to do in his moment of grief (come on, it has only been a month since his father passed), no one on here has the right to judge him and say that he is being a bad BF because of it. You don’t know him or the circumstances. Everyone deals with grief differently.

 

 

Additionally, I’m sure her BF is heartbroken over the loss of his father and can’t imagine looking for a job right now. It’d take him a few months to find a job in a new city, and he might just want to take the next few months to deal with his grief and help his mother adjust as best as he can before he goes into a job-hunting frenzy trying to get something in his GF’s city.

 

 

Lastly, they are not married yet. I personally think the BF has done enough by being willing to move for her in the first place and now it’s her turn to show him she can compromise by giving him the space he needs while dealing with his loss (assuming he’d still move out to be with her when everything is settled). Then he can move and they’ll be together again.

Post # 26
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @paula1248:  you are right… I may have been a bit harsh (perhaps it is my age & history)

BUT death is permanent… moving apart not so much.  Just the way I see things.

As to Wife BEFORE Mother… I totally agree.

BUT lets be realistic here… the OP isn’t the Wife.  She isn’t even the Fiance.  She is the Girlfriend.

Often in life Family trumps friends… even GFs… more so in this circumstance when there has been a death in the family.

IF her BF wanted to make this more… he would.  Be that confiding in her, being with her (asking her to stay ?), or following her to the other city.

Not to say he can’t do that… 

But right now he isn’t

She needs to stop putting all the blame on his mother, and the unfortunate death of his father (seriously ?) and move forward with her own life

I could have told her to put her Grad Studies ON HOLD… I didn’t.  Because she obviously has no interest in doing that / didn’t mention it as an option (don’t blame her for that either)

This is how life goes… somethings we have control over… somethings we don’t

This is one situation in life that she doesn’t have any control over… “the situation”.

Death is like that… we all eventually figure out that it is the one thing in life we cannot control… when it comes, who it takes, how long it takes to recover from etc.

Only time can mend a broken heart… she needs to give her BF that time…

Just my 2 cents.

 

Post # 27
Member
1203 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Nothing’s final til one of you is dead.

By which I mean to say — let things evolve naturally. His grief, his mom’s resilience, your adjustment to graduate school, etc. Stay friends (if you aren’t planning to stay friends after a logistical break-up, then you KNOW he’s not really the one). You’ll figure out what the proper role is in each other’s lives soon enough.

My now-husband and I also didn’t want to do long-distance after he graduated from college. And then…we never quite broke up. Long-distance 2 years and then moved to start grad school together.

Point being…make your own plans, but don’t close any doors til you need to.

Post # 28
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@This Time Round:  I don’t think she’s blaming the mother. I think she is blaming her bf for being unwilling to move in 6 months’ time.

Now I can attribute this to the bf’s grief, which is why I think they should give it time. Like some other posters, I’m a bit puzzled why a decision needs to be made now. He may feel different in 3 or 6 months’ time. I think OP should say, “I can understand you’re grieving, so let’s not talk about you moving for the moment. Since I’m not moving for 6 months, let’s see how we both feel in 3 months’ time when the move is closer”.

Post # 29
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @paula1248:  Agreed. 

I didn’t really see the whole urgency of the issue… or as I said originally, WHY it has to be all or nothing…

First and foremost… WHERE does it say he is breaking up with you ?

WHAT I did read was you were going off to Grad School… and he was choosing  to stay behind for a very valid reason.

Lots of people have LDRs… so I don’t get the drama…

Especially seeing as this is a man she claims has said he wants to marry her…

For many women, that would be enough… knowing a guy is thinking long term / marriage even while you are off in another city pursuing your own interests

She may be ticked off with her BF for not making a decision… but I also see it as some anger towards other things / people (Death, Mom, Sis etc) that she cannot control

And to me that seems ridiculous.

 

Post # 30
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

@gwaihir:  How are you liking your BF being there with you after a year apart? I am nervous about it, since it’s another adjustment and I am hoping everything will be either the way it was when we were together in person or different and better than it was when we were together in person. I talked to my BF and he assured me that we’ll be fine and we’ll be really happy, but I figured I might as well ask you about your perspective.

Post # 31
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

@This Time Round:  Agreed. Lots of people do LDR’s. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it. If it’s the person you want to stay with, you do what needs to be done. I don’t get what the big deal is.

 

Then again, it reminds me of instant vs delayed gratification. Some people are just not able to handle delayed gratification.

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