(Closed) SO officially decided to not come with me when I move. (rant and advice?)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why don’t you consider it a breakup “for now”? And if in 6 or 12 months, neither of you has found anyone you like better, and he’s more free to move about (I can’t imagine he’ll be taking care of his mom forever, even if he feels that way now) maybe you can be together again. I know that sucks pretty hard but at least it leaves your options open.

Post # 34
276 posts
Helper bee

My experience and grad school. I moved when we were 2 years talked about getting married and all that jazz. My program was 24 months long (2 years consec.) I found it easier to make friends and relationships when he wasn’t there. I was able to do alot of things. We would video chat and phone calls and everything. I also moved into a different state to do that (some women moved thousands of miles to go to this school and left their bfs, fiances, and husbands behind). I know thinking a LDR makes it harder but in some aspects it makes it easier. I found that our relationship was stronger and more durable with the LDR. We grew more respect for eachother with our wants and needs. Ya somedays are really sad but thats part of the game of life. Just because he is not willing to move now, due to life, doesn’t mean he wont try later. It seems as though he was giving an honest try to move for you, that in it self speaks volumes to the commitment you guys have. My advice to you would be just try the LDR and if you truely dont like it, then talk about breaking up. LDR is not a dooms day sentance, its just a little bit more work but it makes ur relationship that much more stronger. By The Way the day after I finished all my classes, he proposed. I am so thankful that we did go through this part in our lives together because now I know that he is the man for me and we can get through ANYTHING that life has to bring us. So try to keep an open mind, things may change in 6months to a year to two years. Its not set in stone. He obviously loves you if he was willing to move already. 🙂


EDIT: and reguards to school. It is SOOOO much easier to study 2-3 hours a day when you dont have someone there to want to hang out with you HAHA. When my SO (at the time) came to visit, I wouldnt get ANY studying done. So I am glad he was away so I could do study groups and have days to myself.


Post # 35
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to move with you before, now something has come up and he has said he won’t move with you. As you had both discussed not doing long distance beforehand, I would see that as the end of the relationship. Hugs

Post # 36
8246 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@fishbone:  and 

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@This Time Round:  Totally agree with both of you!


OP – honestly, it sounds to me like you really aren’t committed to this guy.  If I wanted to marry a guy and was truely committed to him, I wouldn’t throw it all away because we might have to spend a few months long distance.  Just because he won’t move with you immeadiately (which he has very valid reasons for – his dad just died.  That is a much bigger deal), doesn’t mean that you guys would be long distance for the entire 5-6 years of your program.  DH and I spent almost a year 2200 miles apart and it actually made our relationship stronger.


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@goodasitgets:  “Relationships are about compromise. People don’t just give up when the going gets tough. You get through the circumstances life throws at you in the best way you can”


This!!  OP sounds like she is giving up just because the (temporary) situation surrounding her grad school and the passing of her BFs father isn’t all butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns.  Sometimes we have to deal with crappy situations – that’s life.  And if you really want to be with this guy until “death do you part”, the two of you will be dealing with a lot tougher situations than a handful of months of long distance. 

Post # 37
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think bitching her out for choosing not to be in a long distance relationship is the answer.

Because I 100% agree with you OP.  It’s hard as hell to be in a long distance relationship, and there is a lot of heartache from missing the person you love.  I do believe, paired with graduate school, that you would not even be able to adequately care for a long distance relationship.  Your studies should come first.  A relationship is not guaranteed to be forever, but your graduate degree will.  A LDR takes 150% and can be, at times, very draining.  Is it rewarding?  Sure.  But only if you’re in a position to care for it like you should (graduate school & being married in the same household is friggin’ hard enough!).  And to me it does not sound like you two are going down conducive paths.

It’s a shame that he has thrown in the towel 6 months early, but you are doing the right thing by moving.  It must be very difficult, but I do wish you all the best in your studies!

Post # 38
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m missing the part where a long-distance relationship automatically means heartache.  How far away is your graduate program? 

Post # 39
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

A lot can change in 6 months. Why are you already making a decision to break up with him?! Why don’t you bring this up when it gets closer? So maybe you get living arrangements that aren’t for you and him, but at least you can ask and break those other committments if he does decide to go with you after all.

Post # 40
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Long distance is doable, is tough but if you are both willing to keep going its can be done without a break up. I’m in Colorado, Fiance is in Indiana and we only see eachother on breaks. With the technology these days it makes it so much easier than a few years ago. We skype while I study, chat, call. It can be done, you just have to be willing to try. Compare the time you would see him if you were in a program in the same city, even if one is no offered, to the time you could see and talk to him out of state. Unless you live together you will likely be studying a lot, busy with classes, possibly working if you have too. It might not be that much of a significant time difference especially if he is motivated to helping his mother through this.

Post # 41
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the posters that say do not make a decision now and to revisit the moving issue in 6 months when you actually do move

I lost my dad very suddenly.  I was still living at home and as the oldest I felt like I had to take on the responsibilites that he did and be there for my mom.  Plus, since I didn’t have any brothers, I was looked on by my siblings to be the glue that held everyone together.  Rightly or wrongly, that’s what happened. Even though my mom had a ton of friends, it’s not the same.

Fathers and sons have a COMPLETELY different dynamic than fathers and daughters.  Give your BF some time – he may feel even more than I did that he has to step up.  Maybe his mom is looking to him because his other siblings haven’t moved back.  His life will never be the same, but he needs time to figure out how to adjust without his father in his life, and I personally think that, especially if they were close, it’s harder for sons than daughters to do.

In my situation, by 6 months later, my mom didn’t “need” me as much as the first few months.  Obviuosly the grieving process is different for everyone, but your BF meeds to make sure that he is not stuck and able to move forward.  Maybe in 6 months he will be ready to move with you.

I too have done the LDR (prior to my dad dying).  Was it fun? No.  But the time and distance did make me appreciate the times I was with him that much more.  I was undergrad at the time, and I found him not being there made it easier for me to study and focus.  I personally thought we would break up right after I went away to school; that didn’t happen and I found the distance not as daunting as I anticipated.  If you want something that badly, you will give it your all to make it work.

Post # 42
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I undertsand long distance is hard and I couldn’t do it (for the long terM) but for the person who I wanted to spend my life with I’d at least give it a try. It’s very odd that you both are just writing the relationship off without even trying long distance.  More difficult things will come up in a marriage than will in a LDR, so if you can’t make that work it’s probably for the best you don’t get married. 

I think if you both want the relationship to work you will find a way and if one/both of you don’t want to find a way then it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

Post # 43
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@grignardreagent:  There’s nothing wrong with knowing that you don’t want an LDR.  I was in one, and it worked out great in the end – we had a plan, we moved in together and we’re engaged.  They’re not for everyone though, and I can tell you with certainty that I would never do it again.  They also only work if both parties are 100% committed, and it doens’t sound like either of you are.  From your other posts, he doesn’t sound like he ever wants to leave your home town, and that staying with his mother is just another reason to stay forever.  There’s nothing wrong with that either, but it sounds like you want to get out and move forward.  Unless you want to go to grad school and then move back, I don’t see how the distance situation would ever be resolved in a way that would make both of you happy.

Post # 44
2935 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My bf and I have done long distance a few times and obviously its hard, but if you really love someone and WANT to marry them then doing long distance doesn’t seem like the end it just seems like part of the journey. I live with my boyfriend right now (And it is AMAZING), but if we had to do long distance again I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I would rather speak with him on the phone everyday and wait to see him rather than just call it quits. Life is full of SO many challenges. If you really love this guy give him the time he needs and then figure out if he will move with you. Some long distance may feel like the end, but you’ll know after a few months if he’s really the one or not based on how connected you feel when you’re thousands of miles apart. I’m not saying you don’t love him or you’re giving up, you just need to figure out if the love you feel for him is strong enough to overcome your obsticles. Good luck! Its tough but always remember you come first and if it’s meant to be he will be there for you when the time is right.


Post # 45
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014


I lost my father at 16 so I understand that pain, *BUT* I agree with PP saying that you shouldnt go down without a fight. 


“I am only 24 so it is not like I couldn’t meet someone else, but I feel that maybe it is hard to meet a guy who is so caring, and romantic, and so good to his family.”


You are absolutley, 100% correct: great men are very, VERY hard to come by.  I recall responding to your initial post and telling you my story about choosing to give up my dream job to follow my boyfriend to help out his family with their business when they needed him, and how it ended up being the best decision I ever made.


No one can make this decision for you, but I would think long and hard about if you can see your future without this guy in it.  If you think you can, then go to grad school and let him stay put.  But if your gut tells you you cant (like mine did), then you may have to be the one to make some sacrifices to keep things intact. I did, and have never regretted it for a second.

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