(Closed) SO officially decided to not come with me when I move. (rant and advice?)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s like this…his father died.  Unless you’ve ever lost a parent you have no idea how he’s feeling.  Some people get over it at the snap of a finger and some people still have a hard time after years.  Your priorities change when something like this happens and his priority is his mom.  I see nothing wrong with his selflessness in this situation. 

Post # 48
Member
4394 posts
Honey bee

So FH and I did long distance many times for probably about 2 years total (he was a collegiate and then professional athlete so it wasn’t 2 years straight) and it was really hard and we both hated it. But, there was no question it was what we would do. We had already decided we were soul mates, or whatever you want to call it, and there was no way we were going to lose each other.

I do feel for you, because I think he should be able to move on with his own life in 6 more months time (or even a year–you could do distance for a few months). It sounds to me like he isn’t going to make you his priority (and it’s not just his mom, he cited not finding a job as another reason/excuse) so I would accept that he isn’t in that place with you and move on. Neither of you are willing to commit in the way that relationships require. He’s not willing to move with you–I think you have to accept that and move on. Maybe he will realize what he lost and decide to move. Otherwise, it isn’t meant to be. 

Post # 49
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@grignardreagent:  I vote for you to break it off now because waiting 6 months is only going to make things more confusing, especially if he rejects you again.  (Yes, at this point he has rejected you and your relationship.)

If you won’t break it off now, then when you move, move on.  It’s unfortunate but it seems he has made his choice with the knowledge that there are still 6 months left for him to find a job and make sure his mother is situated.  I think that says a lot about where he places your relationship among his priorities.  He is choosing his mother and his job over you and I don’t blame him for it because that is life.  However, it shows that he is not truly committed to you or he would find a way to make it work.

Post # 50
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

@grignardreagent:  I think if you have already decided you would rather break up than do long distance then you have your answer. Personally I would do another country if I had to, I would follow him just about anywhere and vice versa because the most important thing in the world is our relationship. Thats just me and I am not saying it is right, just that you know where your priorities lie

Post # 51
Member
8 posts
Newbee

@goodasitgets It’s going well – it’s another stage in our relationship that has changed several times already. (This is the one school that he said he’d be willing to make the trip to visit me when I picked it because of the availablity of outdoor activities, haha.) I’ve tried to bring him into my group of friends since it’s harder to make social friends in the professional world than in grad school. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t – we’re both introverted so big parties where he doesn’t know most people don’t work so well. I don’t want him to be lonely but he also doesn’t want me to feel like I’m dragging him to every event out of obligation. I was really socially independent for the year he wasn’t here (which was a change from me being drawn into his group of friends). It’s just been really important to keep the communication lines flowing about these things. Like I said, we live apart, which helps keep our disparate school/work schedules from not crashing and burning, like when I pull all-nighters. It’s not the same as before (when we were working at the same company), but I’m happy with where we are now.

 

Post # 52
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OP, I think what many of your readers are struggling with is the notion that the relationship is important enough for you to put your foot down and want him to move or for him to want you to stay, but neither of you find it important enough to at least give it a try as LDR.

LDR’s are not easy— and I don’t think anyone ever said they were— but they do bring an interesting and wonderful dynamic to a relationship, which can often balance the heartache of being separated. It’s exciting to get the house ready for your SO to come for the weekend, and to plan little outings or treats to make your time together special, and once you are not LDR any more, you seem to have a much higher appreciation for that person’s presence (or at least that is how I feel after doing my own LDR tenure).  So it’s not all negative.

I can understand how it is not for everyone, so if it really is not for you, then it’s not, and no more discussion is needed!  What I don’t understand– and the point I would like you to see, if you don’t already— is that, if you’re not willing to take the chance and put in the effort, then why would you want to stay together if you weren’t going to move in the first place?  Every relationship has its boundaries, of course, and every person has their “non-negotiables” list, and I can’t say that the choices I would make for myself are a good fit for anyone else, but I am very curious about your choice here, as once I’ve made a commitment to someone, logistical challenges alone aren’t enough to make me walk away from that.

Post # 53
Member
8 posts
Newbee

@fishbone:  I think you put that very well and summed up my thoughts!

Post # 54
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @grignardreagent:  I am truly sorry if I have offended you.

But I honestly don’t SEE WHERE your heart is in this relationship… IF he won’t move to be with you, you see it as automatically over.

And as I said in my other posts… I don’t see HOW you cannot understand that circumstances have changed.  A Death in the family is HUGE.  It is life changing !!

It doesn’t matter what happened a year before, a month before, a week before… or the day before.

Death is game changing… the minute it occurred EVERYTHING changed with it.

TO

View original reply
@fishbone: thank you for putting the words another way.  YES, I do not understand WHY it has to be one way or no-way.  WHY is they have to break up ?  And if that is the ONLY resolution that the OP sees thru this time of heartbreak and sorrow for her BF and his family… then ya her heart isn’t it to begin with

 

Post # 55
Hostess
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My fiance’s father was more like a father to me than any man ever was, and he passed away in November suddenly and unexpectedly while we were visiting. He had a brain anneurysm in his sleep. It was incredibly hard on us, and still is. There are still things to be taken care of, and it’s things that you’d never think of. It has taken our entire family to assemble things, disperse his belongings amongst family members, clean out his apartment. There’s so much to a loss, not even including the extreme emotional hurt. 

 

It’s nearly 6 months later, and I still come into the bedroom at night after a shower and find Fiance crying into his pillow. There’s days where it just doesn’t seem like it’s real, then it hits you. I had never lost anyone close and neither had he, so this whole thing has been a learning experience. However, both of our lives have changed drastically since his father has been gone. 

 

With all of that in mind, I think giving it some time and revisiting the moving situation at a later time would be the best idea. This is still a very raw experience, and it should be treated as such. I can understand why he wants to be close to his family right now, and he probably will want to for a while. 

 

Obviously the decision is amongst you two, but I think that a LDR sounds like something that may happen and you should be prepared for. If your SO feels that he needs to be with his family at this time, then you shouldn’t hold him back. This is life hon, and these things happen. You need to know how to form your life around tragedies, massive life changes, etc. I can understand that you’re young and if you have the thoughts that you don’t want to devote your life that intimately to someone to be able to change as their life does, then it doesn’t sound like you are ready for marriage. It’s not a bad thing, it just means that you’re not at that point in your life. 

 

A long distance relationship is totally doable, but if you’re not ready for the commitment of shaping your own life around the things in his, then perhaps it is best to sit down and talk with him (at a later time when it’s farther on in the grieving process) about what you two should do. 

 

Massive hugs coming your way, this can’t be easy hon! 

 

Post # 56
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@fishbone:  +1 

 

It seems as if both you and your Boyfriend’s priorities have shifted. 

For you, it’s more important that you go to Grad school than stay with your BF, who you said you wanted to marry. You are giving school a higher priority than the relationship, by pretty much indicating if he won’t move with you that it’s likely over. So I have to wonder where your heart is on this relationship, as you don’t seem so strongly committed to have been seriously considering marriage. 

For him, his priority is clearly with his family especially his mother after his father’s passing. His priority is not moving to follow you. Clearly, this is a life-changing event for him – but who knows where things will stand in 6 months. He’s put his family ahead of you, and, at least given the recent events – perhaps not the right to discuss if that will change. 

I really question both of your committments to the relationship and why not wait 6 months to see where things stand. It seems clear – you are done with this relationship, even if you still have heartstrings tied to it. 

Post # 57
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I’m kind of repeating what other bees have already said… but here goes…

I’m in a LDR for law school, so it’s only three years. Going in to it was hard, and we had only been together for about 6 months before I started school. We both wanted to be together and knew we were taking a risk that it wouldn’t work out. We also knew we were facing three really hard years, but after that we would have the rest of our lives. When you consider the time you will be in school compared to the rest of your life, I think it might put things into a different perspective. I know you will be in school longer, but there isn’t anything that says your boyfriend won’t be willing to move to be with you 6 months or a year in. 

Like another bee said, it may actually be easier for you to make school friends because you won’t be able to lean on your boyfriend for a social life. You have a boyfriend, but still have all of the single time you want to hang out with friends, kind of the best of both worlds. 

Also, school takes a lot of time, it’s hard to focus when there is someone around all the time. Especially if he doesn’t have a job – he will be bored and waiting for you to hang out all the time – making it even harder to study. Also, there is a pretty good chance that if he moved now he would feel guilty about leaving his mother so soon and bored about not having a job near you – that could actually put more strain on your relationship than and LDR (in my opinion)

 

There’s a quote I like – I think it was said by Bill Cosby – “Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it”   Basically, some things are really hard and scary, but you need to decide if it’s worth it to you. I would say you should at least try an LDR for like a year and decide if it’s worth it. That would also give him time to take care of his mom and find a job near you.  Personally, I can’t imagine being ready to marry someone and then being fine with breaking up with them because of a potential year or so of hardship. I know for me it’s gotten a lot easier as the years go by. 

Post # 60
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

1st, LOVE your screen name!!!

2nd, I went to grad school in science, and of everyone who had a relationship when they entered, 100% were long distance. I’d say 80% of them made it work, and ended up married. It isn’t hopeless! It will take a lot of communication, dedication, and $$, but it is definitely possible to make it work.

Post # 61
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

We can all only understand so much of your relationship from a post, but I agree with a PP that it just seems like your priorities aren’t in line at the moment, and I think that makes the idea of going into a LDR together very difficult.

 

The other thing that bothers me is that he was hesitant about joining you before and has prematurely made this decision to stay.  I have to admit that I read that and immediately thought he must have been waiting for a good reason to back out of moving.  Not to say that he is not grieving and needs to be with his family, but the rashness with which he made this decision makes me think that even had the death not happened, he may have been using the job excuse later to get out of moving.

 

If someone is going to marry you and devote themselves to spending the rest of their lives with you, there is nothing that can get in the way of that relationship.  This is a totally different situation, but I moved after only 6 months together because my SO had to move for work.  I wasn’t willing to give up this relationship that I knew was special and he really didn’t want to either.  In fact at one point he wasn’t going to take the job BECAUSE OF ME.  After knowing me for 6 months.  And he is extremely ambitious so I was completely shocked by this.

 

If I were you I would break it off and move on.  If he is willing to make a more serious commitment in 6 months, he’ll come flying back to you.  If he isn’t willing to, I don’t think this is the right relationship for the rest of your life.  As much as he needs to make his family a priority, that doesn’t mean his devotion to you should go out the window.

 

Again, this is just what I read into it, I don’t know you, him, your families or anyone else associated with the situation, so do what you feel is right.  I am just giving my perspective and what I would do facing this situation.

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