(Closed) SO officially decided to not come with me when I move. (rant and advice?)

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
568 posts
Busy bee

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@grignardreagent: Omg I can’t believe you read my entire post! I don’t know if I helped, but it all just kind of came out.


I was responding at like 4 am, so in my tired state, I think I may have interpreted a couple of things I read differently than what you meant. To me it seemed that you were the one not wanting to the LDR, but if your BF doesn’t want to do LDR, then LDR won’t work. You both need to be on board for that. 


Now that I read your reply mentioning him being hesitant to move with you, I think he might be having doubts that weren’t readily apparent in your original post or your past posts. I was under the impression that he was job hunting until a month ago (approx the time his dad passed), but if you’re saying he wasn’t and tht he wasn’t sure even before that then that changes things. You just can’t have a relationship with someone who is unwilling to continue your relationship. If he’s not willing to do either LDR or move (or a combination of the two), the relationship just won’t survive. Honestly, you deserve to be with someone who will fight for your relationship and he deserves the same…I feel like at this point you’re both not sure whether to fight for this. I think in about 5 months things will be clearer.


If I were you, I’d honestly wait 5 months to see how you feel about him + the relationship (and let him do the same, I think both of you have a bunch to work through before you’ll have a clear answer). If you make your evaluation and decide you don’t want to be with him, that’ll be a good time to break it off.


If you make your evaluation and decide you would still like to be with him, I’d probably approach this problem by asking him how his mother is adjusting, how he feels about your relationship, whether he is still happy with you, what he sees himself doing in the next few months/years, where he sees the relationship going, etc etc. That way you can start a conversation about it without asking him whether he’s going to move straightaway. If at that point he tells you he doesn’t see you in his future, you’ll have your answer. If he tells you he still loves you and would like to have you in his future, then you can brainstorm what possible options are. By brainstorming about it, you’re not coming straight out and asking him to move for you necessarily–that might be an idea he “comes up” with. For me at least, brainstorming with someone else lets me figure out where they are mentally depending on what they come up with, what we come up with, and what I come up with + how they react.


Post # 63
522 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, from what you’ve posted it seems as though he isn’t really committed enough to do a LDR.

The fact that he already told you he wouldn’t be moving this far removed from the date of departure tells me that he doesn’t really seem to be putting in the level of effort.

I mean if he’s said that 1. He can’t do LDR and 2. He wants to marry you. Then obviously he should be trying to move with you since with you going to another state those two statements are diametrically opposed.

I’d try and part on good terms. Who knows maybe he’ll realize after a few months that he wants to be with you and get serious about looking for a job where you are.




Post # 64
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@grignardreagent:  I just wanna say that I have read your follow up posts to this forum and that you have decided the LDR is not for you and I am very proud of you for coming to that mature decision rather than drawing out a relationship that isn’t going to work for you.

The guy I met before my Fiance was a military guy and I met him while he was in my city for a week-long temporary assignment. I have always known that LDR was never my cup of tea and yet, instead of following my gut on that, I decided to do a LDR with him for a year because I thought well, I have nothing to lose. However, it ended up being the only decision in life I haved regreted because it was the most miserable year of my life trying to force it to work. And not only that, I dragged another person down with me because I couldn’t handle the long distance, so I wasted a year of his life, too!

I am now engaged to a guy that I get to spend everyday with and who could not spend a day without me! It is the perfect situation!

Kudos to you for following your gut! If it was meant to be, it’ll still be.

Post # 65
2436 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@grignardreagent:  Keep.your.mouth.shut


He is doing exactly the right thing. I doubt it is merely for his mom, but for himself, too. I don’t knwo if you’ve lsot someone and had to grieve for them, but he jsut lost his father. After 2 years with someone (ANYONE) I would choose my family over them too, in a heartbeat. Especially if they were thinking more of thir own feelings at a (potentially temporary) seperation.


You would come across as a selfish fool if you tried to convince him to leave his poor mother at a time like this.

Post # 66
27 posts
  • Wedding: April 2013

As far as death is concerned there are two types of people. Those that have lost a loved one and those who know someone that has lost a loved one. Death is much easier to cope with when we are on the outside looking in. I think perhaps you are feeling some type of way because the focus is off of you. It’s an honest reaction to this sort of situation.

Remember, until his father passed it was all about you. What you were doing and what he was doing for you. Now priorities have shifted and you are feeling the wind blow unfavorably.

In a family where there is more than one child there is always the “responsible” one. This is the one that is internally strong. The one that parents know will be alright and handle business if something happens to them. Your BF is it and you should be happy. This is showing you what type of man he is. That in the midst of tragedy he will not do self but be by your side.

I say give him time. It is a bit selfish of you to rush him so soon. It’s not like he asked you to stay. He understands you’re going and isn’t trying to hinder you. If you push him you may end up with your feelings hurt. Instead of focusing on what you can’t have, appreciate what you do. Love can surpass insurmountable odds but we have to be willing to give it a chance to do so.

I wish you all the best.

Post # 67
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My Fiance and I spent the first year of our relationship apart. He had gotten a job offer a few days before our first date and basically really had to take the job or risk never getting something in his field of study. I had a feeling he was the one and so even though it was difficult, we did a year apart flying back and forth and living about 1750 miles apart and skype chatting every night. I moved to where he lives and we’ve lived here together for two years, just got engaged and are headed back home this summer to live near our families. We had a plan and a timeline going into this of two years max living out here. 

The reason I am telling you all this is: Yes LDRs are hard but if you think long and hard and know he is the one for you IT IS WORTH EVERY SECOND. It can work out. Yes, his obligations are with his mom right now and that is very noble and understanding. Look at it this way: Grad school is what, a year? You can do that if you both know you want to marry each other. If the relAtionship doesn’t hold up with the distance, it was never meant to. You will test its strength and I guarantee you it will test your inner strength but don’t give up if you think this is the relationship of your life.

Post # 68
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I also agree that it seems premature to take this as a break-up at this point.  Your SO is distraught, his family is going through turmoil and anything he says or does at this point could be affected by that.  He may have felt that you were pressuring him for a response (about whether or not he’d come with you) and saying no was the easiest way to handle it.  By no means am I saying that’s what happened, but just trying to make a point.  There are so many factors that could come into play right now…

Also, you say that the two of you discussed that you weren’t interested in a long distance relationship long before his father died.  Circumstances change, his father is now gone, I think this is a topic that should be revisited (though not immediately).  I understand that you don’t wish to live apart for years, but maybe he needs some time to let the dust settle before he can a) make a decision to go with you and b) leave his mother. 

Post # 69
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@grignardreagent:  I cant imagine been in your place…it is a sucky situation 🙁 i never had to experience the loss of a parent but i did do long distance for 3 years with SO. It was the hardest 3 years but i am glad we survived it. He decided to go to law school a plane ride away from where we are from. Then we he came back and i decided to go to Italy for an internship. But we both firmly beileve that we had to accomplish what we wanted before settling down. Our early 20’s was the best time do this. Now we are both back in NYC, have been here for past 3 years and are about to get engaged. Ive always believed that in order to bring something special to the relationship you need to honestly find yourself on ur own…n if its meant to be you will absolutely get through anything!!!! Me n SO have been together for 10 years…we have experinced absolutely almost everything together and it has made us stronger but sometimes it works differently and it may just reassure you that it may not be it. Hope everything works out for the best!

Post # 70
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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This is an ancient thread from 7 months ago and the OP has not been back on the Bee since.

Post # 71
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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@grignardreagent:  I can’t do LDRs either.  I get it.  I also know how involved my sister has been in her PhD program and it’s not easy on relationships.  I’m not saying they can’t make it though, but it is an added stressor.  


When I was 26 I was dating a guy I wanted to marry.  He was a lovely man.  Smart, funny, he’d give you the shirt off his back.  We were very happy and I adored him.  He decided to go back to do an MBA, and spend 6 months volunteering in South America before he went.  I couldn’t leave my job and pick up to SA for 6 months.  I stayed at home and we went LDR.  I did manage to beg, plead, barter for a full month off to go out to travel with him.  Unfortunately our time apart changed both of us and we just weren’t on the same page anymore.  We broke up when he came back home (oddly he ended up choosing the university where we both lived – I’d agreed before he went to SA to move to Vancouver or Halifax if he’d chose either of those schools.) He changed a lot through his MBA, not for the worse or better, he’s just a different person now, with different ideals and goals.  I’m a different person as well, I started a new career, my goals and ideals changed too.  We did meet up for coffee a few years back and I left knowing that we weren’t really a great fit anymore like we had once been.  


You have to do what is best for you and let him do what’s best for him and his family.  (And I don’t think either of you are bad people for doing it.)


I feel like a broken record as I said this today on a previous thread, but not all relationships are meant for forever.  Even if they’ve been fantastic relationships.  I’m not saying that you two won’t figure this out.  You very well could.  But I do think this will be a make it/break it point.  Most relationships have one.  Good Luck.

ETA: Re: the LDR comment, I can’t do them without committment.  I’d need something more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend committment.  An engagement, with a wedding date and an end to the LDR in sight.  If my SO had to move for work, I would only do the LDR for a short time.  One of us would have to give to move to be together.

Post # 72
381 posts
Helper bee

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@deetroitwhat:  +1000 THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT. 


I agree, they don’t necessarily HAVE TO break up. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t committed to one another. It means that they’re not sure they can make it through that kind of heart ache. Being in a LDR is terrifying. As you said, it takes a lot of work. Not everyone is up for that. Not because they don’t love the other person, but because (I imagine) that it shouldn’t feel that hard.

I don’t want to be in an LDR. It works for some, for some it does not. Distance is a major strain for a lot of relationships. – I feel for you OP! 

I’d say wait it out for 5 months and revisit it before you leave. Ask him to come visit you, and if after a month or two it isn’t working, break it off then. I wouldn’t necessarily committ to staying together for 5-6 years LD.

Post # 73
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

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@peachykeener:  This is a really old thread, and I don’t think either the OP or the Bee you responded to has been on here recently.

Post # 74
381 posts
Helper bee

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@somethingaquamarine:  HAHAHA. Oh my gosh, as soon as you said that, I went to look. Sure as guns. 10 months old… I hate when you click the “related links” at the bottom of a thread. I never expected it would take me to such an old thread! Oops! Thanks for letting me know not to expect a reply!

The topic ‘SO officially decided to not come with me when I move. (rant and advice?)’ is closed to new replies.

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