(Closed) SO parent’s hurting our relatonship..

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If the money my Boyfriend or Best Friend was loaning to his parents was really what was keeping me from getting married, it would be a deal breaker.

I would have a frank conversation and map out a plan for your future.  If kids are in the equation, that’s something else to think about.  

In a perfect world, the Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to make a decision about how much he’ll give to his parents AND provide for his family (meaning, wife and kids). 

I don’t think you’ll ever get the moochers out of the picture, unless the Boyfriend or Best Friend will willing to go there on his own (he’s got to do this on his own – not out of frustration or cohersion).

I know there is a lot on the table, but I don’t see this issue going away any time soon.  If you choose to stay with him, it sounds like you are choosing him and his financial burden of his parents.

Post # 4
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Borrowing money from your child is the last thing any parent should resort to, but it seems to me that while you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend have agreed to help them out once, they now keep coming back for more.

Tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend that for every dime he gives his parents, and will never see again, it is your livelihood, your future, your financial stability he is throwing away at them.

Personally I don’t know how they can live with themselves asking their son for money and then not pay it back. That’s not family, thats f***ed up (excuse my language)

It’s getting you down, and so it would be. You have every right when your money is being thrown at these people (they lost the right to be seen as parents by the way they have treated you both) and you wont get it back.

Tell your SO to wake up, and stop giving them money – they will not learn if you keep handing out, and neither will you be able to move on!

Post # 6
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Is there a cultural difference by any chance?  If so, I may have answers… :T

Post # 7
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

So sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’m all for helping out family that needs some assistance, but there is a line in the sand for me. If they are failing to help themselves bail out of their rut with the assistance your Boyfriend or Best Friend is giving them, then I’d hope your Boyfriend or Best Friend would come to see that he is just enabling their leeching behavior- and would tell them he cannot help them anymore if they are proving their irresponsibility. Sacrificing your plans/marriage/home-purchase (and who knows what else down the line) because of their mooching is not okay with me, and could end up being a deal breaker.

I hope you are able to have a constructive conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend on this matter and come up with a mutually agreeable solution to avoid throwing your hard-earned money into an insatiable hole. Best of luck, hun!

Post # 9
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would say that if you are going to be married, then you need to have a frank discussion about finances.  How do you both view finances?  Is it his money and your money?  Is it “our” money?  Or some type of variation?  it seems to me that you guys need to come to an understanding about it because if it’s “our money” for “our future” then he can’t be making financial decisions for the two of you.

However, you must remember that they are his parents and while you are done with them, he might never be.  These are the people who raised him and he cannot cut them off.  However, it seems that they need to be treated as children in this situation.  “Tough love” seems to be in order.  They need to realize the consequences of their actions.  You can talk until you are blue in the face, but until you let them fall, they will not get back up.  They don’t seem to care if they have a place to live, so why should you?  Seriously.  They need to learn the tough way here…they’ve had too many chances because sonny boy always picks up the pieces.

Post # 10
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Do you think his parents are able to live within what they make and they just don’t? 

I would try is asking him at what point will he stop?  When the gifts total 10k?  20k?  Indefinite?  He isn’t helping them by doing it for them. 

And then you will have to ask yourself if you can live with supporting them because it’s not likely it would ever stop.  Personally, if my Boyfriend or Best Friend was supporting his parents and they could help it and were choosing not to, it would be a dealbreaker. 

As a transition, your Boyfriend or Best Friend could give them a strings attached gift.  In that, when they call to ask for money, he gives it but noonly if they agree to sit down with him and write up a budget and then stick to it.

That’s what my aunt did when another aunt was always coming around asking for money yet that aunt always had money to play bingo.  My aunt said “you know what?  I will give you all the money you need but you give me control of your finances.”  That aunt never came around again asking for money.

Post # 11
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@BackyardLoveBird:Totally agree.  If they don’t care if they have a place to live, why should your BF?  I think that’s the problem why parents support kids so much to their detriment.

I have a cousin and my aunt said he won’t get a job.  And I asked well, how does he get money for gas?  And she said she gives him money every so often.  I just said hmmm but thought why do you tell him to get a job and in the same breath hand over money?  If he doesn’t care to have money to go see his son then you can’t care enough for him. 

Post # 13
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

WOW, this is tough!!

Since he is your boyfriend, I would tread lightly, but the most important thing is to talk about your future openly & this issue NEEDS to be addressed before marriage; but its tricky because a girlfriend trying to tell her boyfriend what he should & shouldn’t do with his money, could cause him to become upset.  

The truth is, his parents won’t change; you could have kids and they will still be milking money from him. So I would suggest, that once you are engaged, this would be the time to spell it out & lay the ground rules about how much $ he will be giving his parents (b/c I honestly don’t think he will refuse to stop giving them money, so you two will need to set a budget for this.)  

Post # 14
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@cherrydoll:Oh wow.  That’s a lot!  I think you probably just need to be honest with your Boyfriend or Best Friend that you know.  Probbably try not to get upset so that he will want to talk about it but I think you need to find out whether he will keep giving them money behind your back or if you two can agree on an amount to budget for them.  Or best case, whether he can finally figure out how to say no to them or ever will.  But definitely he needs to know lying and going behind your back is not ok. 

Post # 16
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think it boils down to does he want a future with you or his parents??? He needs to set them straight and stop giving them money. I really don’t get these types of codependent relationships. My friend is like that with her 2 kids. She got pregnant as a teen and her parents kicked her out. She had it rough for a few years, but she made it. Her kid gets knocked up, she lets her stay, and now she’s got her 2 daughters and 3 grandkids living in her house. She’s too damn nice for her own good, and they couldn’t live on their own if they tried. Neither of them have jobs, because they know their mom will buy anything the grandkids need. Its fucked up, but I think its even worse when a parent is doing that to their child.

It sounds like you both are really nice people, but I would tell him if he doesn’t set his parents straight, you guys will have no future together

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