(Closed) SO quit his job…(long)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14658 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@imsandradee:  I’m the type of person who likes having a set schedule, where you go sit in a building Monday through Friday with a set salary and benefits.  Being self employed is terrifying.

This is your fear, dont project that onto him.  I’m sure he thought about the decision and decided that working for his family business was the better choice.  At least he has a plan and didn’t just quit with nothing lined up. 

I do find it VERY odd that he didn’t mention ANYTHING to you about this at all or talk to you about it.  I would want an explaination on that.  After 5 years together, married or not, I would think that a partner would discuss such a big change and want their SO involved. 

I guess I’m just trying to figure out how we’re supposed to be moving forward when he just up-ended our plan in a way.  It seems inevitable that our timeline is going to take a big hit from this.

You are still moving forward.  He’s working on building a business and secure future, you’re probably working and doing the same.  As long as you’re there for each other supporting each other, you’re making progress.  Engagements and marriages dont take much if that’s what you really want right now.    If you’re both ready, I don’t think a change in job shouldn’t hold you guys back anyways. Buy an inexpensive ring, wander into a courthouse.  Or just make a timeline and reasonable financial plan based on very conservative figures for his/your job.

Post # 4
Member
9691 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can understand.  My SO just graduated in May and he has been working for himself since then.  It’s definitely stressful because anything might happen really.  I’m a fairly relaxed person and I don’t stress out super easily, but I have been stressed a lot of times over the past 6 months. I actually don’t think I would be quite as stressed if I also wasn’t planning this wedding.  That’s what makes it worse for me in a way.

The only thing I can say is that take each day at a time and try not to worry too much (it’s hard sometimes) because at the end of the day, you still have each other.  There are generally setbacks in these type of things, but nothing is the end of the world.  Life will still go on.

I know what you mean about waiting.  It’s hard to have to wait for things to get in order.  My SO is a risk-taker and I am…not really that (not as much as he is certainly).  But I just do the best I can each day.  And stay supportive even if you aren’t sure, because in my opinion confidence is half the battle.  Confidence can go a long way.

I think it’s good he is taking over a family business, so I imagine this already has some setup and it would be easier than starting from scratch.  Just think of it this way: it’s better to do it now while you’re young.  If something does go wrong, you still have a lot of time left (in your working lives).  And he might just end up doing something he really loves and making money at it.

Post # 5
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think he should have talked to you first, I mean if you’re suppose to be a part of his future then wouldn’t you be included in knowing about his future decisions? So personally I would bring that up and just say you are disappointed that you weren’t involved in the decision making or at least knowing he was going to do something drastic before he does it.

On the other hand you do need to be supportive, going from the security of a full time job to self employed is scary for anyone but at least he’s not starting off from scratch and is just taking over a current somewhat successful business.  It is scary at times but at least he has his education to fall back on, sounds like he was able to get a job quickly out of college so if things don’t go as planned with the family business he can just get another job in the feild he studied in.

Post # 8
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@pinkshoes:  This! Very well put.

OP You need to let your SO make his own career choices.

Post # 9
Member
14658 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@imsandradee:  I’m also really not looking forward to explaining to my family that he gave up his great job where he was at the top to take over a small in-home business.

I think you need to try to stop concentrating on the known paycheck of his good job, and looking at his family business in such negative light.  Yes, the unknown is scary and it’s not for many people, but the way you talk about it makes it sound like you’re sure this is going to fail and he wont make any money out of it.  I give your SO a lot of credit for being having the courage to take the plunge.   Working for your own busniess can a lot more rewarding and you get out what you put in, not just working for some giant CEO and being a little pawn in the game.  My husbands father and my father both run their own business.  It’s been fine.

Post # 11
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@pinkshoes:  Agreed.

You may like certainty, but the problem is life is just not certain. It never will be. You can’t project your desire to grasp on certainty onto him or expect him to live his life that way. You may like the 9-5, M-F job, but for others, this is not how it works. I know for me, my career is not my entire life, but it is indeed an important part of my life. I could not do my job if I really did not believe in it and love it.

Even as your SO, I find it odd he did not talk to you first about it. To me this is not about asking permission or getting your approval, but just basic communication about what is going on in his head and his life. I had only been dating my husband for a couple weeks when he talked to me about his plans to apply for a release from the military. Because, though we were only dating, he recognized that he wanted to include me in his life, wanted to communicate with me what was happening in his, and because decisions and choices like that would (and did) have an effect on our life together going forward.

Since then there have been a few more job and career changes and never has any one of them, by either of us, been a “surprise” to the other. Not just the decision itself, but the thoughts leading up to the decision before they even made the decision.

I’m also really not looking forward to explaining to my family that he gave up his great job where he was at the top to take over a small in-home business.  Like it or not, sometimes I think SO doesn’t understand that they hold him to even higher expectations than me.  It’s going to be hard to be financially independent when we’re still saddled with student loan debt and he no longer has a certain paycheck coming in, and that’s definitely going to concern my family.

Well, them holding him to “higher expectations” is THEIR thing. Not his problem. Also…what is there to “explain” to your family? Tell him he is taking over the in-home business. You don’t need to explain it to them. It sounds like you are ashamed of him if you feel you need to explain it.

Look, I get the financial stress. I am the breadwinner in our marriage, and have been since very early on in our relationship. My husband left a career that paid him very, very well and while he considered some other higher paying jobs, and some other educational paths, he just discovered or decided they just did not fit for him, or what he wanted to do. After a very stressful career, he just wants a fun, relaxing job…and that is exactly what he has. He works retail in a small outdoors/diving/camping/climbing kind of store. It does not pay great, and I also have pain in the butt student loans, but we are okay and we are in this together. I am PROUD of my husband for pursuing what he is happy doing, and I enjoy having a happy husband who enjoys his job! Like me, this is part of his life, not just a “job”. I don’t give a flying F what others thing about it. He is very educated, and very highly trained, so yes, he is WAY WAY overqualified for what he does but he loves it and I love him for being true to himself. I also like the discounts (hey, scuba gear, down jackets, and my Five Fingers (an addiction) are all quite expensive, ha ha). Maybe one day he will own the store, maybe not. Maybe he will decide his new passion in life is to research monkeys. That is fine with me. We will adapt, and we will make it happen. I know he is equally as supportive of my career, and would (and has) moved and lived where we need to for my career. 

You need to be a TEAM with him. It does not matter what your family thinks, in my opinion. This is your life together, and you are in this together (if you choose to be). I kind of think you agree with your family, and that sort of divisiveness is not going to work out well. 

 

So the “plans” YOU thought were set in stone have changed? So what? That does not mean what is to come is bad. This is a great chance to work together through life changes. Because, like I said above, life is always, always going to be changing (that is part of the fun, isn’t it?).

 

Post # 13
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@imsandradee:  I do think a talk is in order about how you felt being excluded from his decision making process, or thought process. I am not sure of your relationship dynamic overall, but like I said, it is a bit odd to me he never even mentioned he was thinking of leaving his job. Maybe he was concerned with how you would react, or maybe he sort of felt he had already decided so it did not matter…I don’t know, but I do think a talk is in order as for me this is a major communication failure in a long-term relationship.

If he sees you as being in his life now and in the future, these are things that ought to be shared but even MORE than that, I would expect that as his partner, he would WANT to talk to you about things, whether significant decisions or not. I don’t know, part about being in a relationship, a healthy one anyway, is sharing openly with each other as part of exploring who you are, about wanting to know each other, and wanting to be known, and he kind of dropped the ball there. However, I would maybe suspect that this is not a one-time thing or a one-way street deal, and together you both need to work on improving the open and honest communication between you.

Post # 14
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@imsandradee:  I’d be PISSED if I were you. Fuming mad. Not-talking-to-him-his-ass-is-on-the-couch mad. We were living together, sharing bills, building a life LONG before he asked me to marry him. That’s a life changeing move that you talk about WITH YOUR PARTNER FIRST. 

You don’t just inform someone that you plan on spending the rest of your life with that you’ve decided to leave your carrer, work at the family bussiness, and (if I understand right) set your $200,000 degree on a shelf for looks. THATS SOMETHING YOU DISCUSS FIRST!!

Either you guys aren’t that serious and he didn’t feel a need to tell you, or he just made a life changing decision without you and assumed you’d be cool.

I’m so pissed for you right now.

Post # 15
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Has he thought about what beingself employed could do to a future home purchase? I only ask because we just went through the home buying process and if I had a dollar for every time the loan officer said “Just be glad you aren’t self employed, this all gets infinitely more complex, and often the loan apps are declined”….well, we wouldn’t have needed a home loan.

It becomes much harder to prove a steady income over the course of the years you need to show for a mortgage. Often small business debt is in their name, making their debt to income ratio look more out of whack than it otherwise would, etc etc.

He simply shouldn’t have done this without discussing it with you and making sure he knew all of the ramifications!!

Post # 16
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@imsandradee:  I’m sorry, a lot of what you have said sounds like the whole reason you’re upset about it is simply because you weren’t given the chance to talk him out of it.

You seem so focused on the financial aspects of this decision he made, or how they affect you, but you aren’t his wife. Your role here is being supportive of his choices and being there for him if those choices end badly.

You keep zeroing in on the uncertainties, but life has no guarantees, ever. That job where he’s top dog, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t ever be layed off or fired, or the company going under. Maybe one day they decide they no longer want to pay his salary when they could instead hire new blood and pay them less. This new plan of his, it has no guarantees either, but if it’s a family business he is planning on taking over, obviously it already has proven it’s ability to survive in the economy.

To him, it probably seems more like the family business is the more sure thing and that great salary job was the bigger gamble.

 

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