(Closed) SO refuses to say "I love you" after almost 11 months

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My DH isn’t one to talk about his feelings.  He didn’t say ‘i love you’ until after we were dating for a year, then in a serious relationship for another 16 months – so over two years total!  It frustrated me so much and I more than once thought about breaking it off because of this.  But he acted like he loved me, and didn’t do anything else to make me question if we were in a serious committed relationship.  I’m so glad I stuck with him.  He finally said it, then proposed less than a year after that, and now we are happily married.

My advice? Actions speak louder than words.  If, other than not saying I love you, all is great in your relationship, stop bugging him about it.  He will come around.  And it will be worth the wait.

Post # 18
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My parents have been happily married for almost 35 years and until recently my Dad had never told my Mum that he loved her. I asked if it bothered her and her answer was that it did at first but she never had any doubt that he did love her, he made it obvious by the way he treated her, and that it’s not his style to be romantic like that. She said if he suddenly told her he loved her, she would be suspicious!

Each relationship is different and I definitely don’t think it’s worth breaking up over if you love him and have such a great time together, just because he hasn’t said it yet. i would much rather that that be with someone who had said I love you to every girl he’s been on a date with.

Post # 19
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

Some people show love in different ways.

Maybe he is just not a verbal person?

Does he show you with his actions that he loves you? Is he very loving and affectionate and warm in his behavior toward you?

If so, I think that carries more weight than just hearing those words.

HOWEVER…. you are in this relationship too, and if you have needs that are not being met, that needs to be factored in. If hearing those words is extremely important to you, you may need to consider the fact you two may not be entirely compatible.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person or you’re a bad person, or that either one of you is necessarily doing something wrong. It just is what it is. If after nearly a year together, he’s not comfortable saying the “L” word, I would guess that once he reaches that magic moment in time when he’s ready to say it — for example when he proposes — that he’s probably not going to be using those “I love you” words a lot in the future. It sounds like he has issues with saying those words. 

If you are like me and say “I love you” at the end of phone calls with your family, etc., you may need to be with someone who thinks more the way you do.

Whatever the case may be, I wish you luck in getting this resolved. 

Post # 20
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

@beach_lover89:  

Babe please dont stress over this one. Mills and Boon are WRONG WRONG WRONG!

My SO (who incidentally has been questioning me about the types of gems im currently wearing etc etc – whole nother story there) litertally STRUGGLES to verbalise the ‘I love you’.. No word of a lie, he is happy to blab to friends/family etc etc “yer love you too, love to al blah blah” but when its me face to face, he MUMBLES and it goes like:

 

Him:    “Im phurbruf…”

 

me:     “pardon?”

 

him:    “INPRURNFFFF!”

me: (smirking like a cheshire cat knowing exactly what he’s saying) Babe I thought I heard you say you were coooking dinner tonight AND doing all the dishes???? WHAT a man!!! (swoon)

No shit, some people struggle with this PLEASE dont compare your relationship to those total BULLSHIT romance stories. If its real and you know he loves you, ask yourself if you can wait to hear it.

If your not sure? then you need to talk to him. …  sorry… I hate that advice too, always feel like saying “WHAT???? TALK to him??? thats all youve bloody well GOT???”

Post # 21
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@beach_lover89:  How does his family use the phrase “I love you”? My family uses it frequently and always when you’re ending a phone call or leaving after a visit. It would be tough for me to date someone who didn’t say it back after I said it to them. It would make me worry that he would use it too sparingly for me to feel secure in our love. 

Have you read Five Love Languages? Words of affirmation like “I love you” is one of the languages. Maybe reading that will help you both understand each other better. It definitely helped me learn how to ask for the love I need.

Post # 23
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@beach_lover89:  I understand where you’re coming from. It took my now fiancé just over a year before he was willing to use that word. It frustrated me then, but I look back on it now and I am grateful that he took so seriously a word that is really used too flippantly these days.

 

 

 

Some guys aren’t great with words. Even now, five years into our relationship and engaged to be married, he doesn’t use the word as often as I do. But, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loves me b he shows it through his actions! I’d been in a relationship where they guy said he loved me and didn’t show it and it doesn’t hold a candle of comparison to being shown that you are loved, even without hearing the word!

 

Just be patient with him, continue to love him like you do, and when he is ready, he’ll tell 

Post # 24
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Do you need  “I love you” to be happy in the relationship?  Some posters might be fine with not hearing it, but only you know how you feel. If you can be patient and wait, that’s great. If you need it now, that’s valid too. Your feelings and needs are important,  not just his need to keep quiet.  

Post # 25
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

All I can say, is you can’t force someone to say or do something they aren’t ready too.

Honestly if he is is forced or felling coronered to say it, it become meaningless. If it were me I would be fine with it, but then again I’m like your So and it’s hard for me to express myself emotionally sometimes. I’m just getting used to saying it more for my husband.

It doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel that. I think he taking time to let his feelings nad the relationship develop. IT doens’t mean that he won’t eventually marry you, or that he doesn’t or won’t love you.

I do think he is being rigid with waiting until an engagement. I would think to get to that part  both people have to be in love.

If you decide you can’t continue the relationship that way, then by all means move on. But if it’s a good relationship you guys have, I would give him a little space and time.

Post # 26
Hostess
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

@beach_lover89:  I know a couple that never said “I love you” until the proposal…and they were together for 7 years!! The girl came from a family where the words were seldom used and she wanted to save them for the most special of times! The guy respected her wishes, and although they were in a very loving relationship, he held off on saying them to make it special just for her. Personally, it’s not something I think would work in my own relationship, but it’s worked for them. They’ve been married for about 3 years now and seem to be as happy as ever/always.

Do you think your bf has hangups about saying the words? Does he come from a family that doesn’t use them often? It could just be his upbringing. I think the fact that he said he wants to save it for the proposal means that he is considering proposing to you (well…depending on the way he worded it). But honestly, actions speak louder than words. If he shows you he loves you, then maybe he doesn’t need to say it until he’s ready. 

Post # 27
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

my ex couldnt say he loved me even after over 2 years. hed show it in a million ways, say things like “you know how i feel about you” and “i cant even say it to my parents” but never those three words

i ended things as i was moving abroad (would have anyway) and now my DH says I love you constantly. its very important for me to hear it. for other people actions speak way louder than words. there is no right or wrong approach providing the couple are on the same page

Post # 28
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

my ex couldnt say he loved me even after over 2 years. hed show it in a million ways, say things like “you know how i feel about you” and “i cant even say it to my parents” but never those three words

i ended things as i was moving abroad (would have anyway) and now my DH says I love you constantly. its very important for me to hear it. for other people actions speak way louder than words. there is no right or wrong approach providing the couple are on the same page

Post # 29
Member
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Until the day he proposes?
What’s so different about putting a ring on it that finally makes it OK to declare his love?

This is holding a very important piece of a relationship – declaring your love (even if he just says it ONCE ever, but he hasn’t after almost a year)  and he’s holding it hostage for a “yes” answer to his proposal.

So, WHAT IF YOU SAID NO?
Would he still be able to say he loves you?

Because if he couldn’t, then he’s not worth it.

 

Post # 30
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@CakeyP:  ITA!

I need to hear the words…my DH says it at least five times a day and it makes my day 🙂

Post # 31
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I have an ex who was like your SO sort of. We “dated” for a few months and were friends for years, but he never told me he loved me. The thing was, his actions clearly showed it and so I stuck it out til I realised he never wanted to be married.  But he was extremely committed to me, and at the time that was what mattered most. Not what came out his mouth. So if you are both happy, I say stick with him. Actions speak louder than words.

The topic ‘SO refuses to say "I love you" after almost 11 months’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors