- 6 years ago
Ok, here’s my problem. Somewhere, over one random night, I suddenly became fascinaed with getting married. I mean obessed. I have never seen me like this. I have a pinterest board, I’ve actually gone into TIffany’s (twice) to check out rings. I have lost my mind.
I am a well-educated, laid back, unfrilly kind of girl. I’ve never seen this part of myself. And now I ache to be married. I truly ache for it. I think it all happened as a result of dating my boyfriend because we’re, well, we seem, right for each other. But, nothing really adds up on paper:
1. He’s 26; I’m 30
2. He never went to college; I have a masters.
3. He’s still training to become a hair colorist; I work as a waitress and jazz singer in NYC.
But he adores me and, after several months, I finally began to let myself adore him and well, I just feel like that quote: once you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want it to start immediately.
I had a plan:
1. We date for one year. If not serious discussion of forever-potential, then I’m moving on.
1. I’m really afraid of being the girl that is dated for 4 years but never married. I’d be 34 by then.
2. If you really want to marry me, you’ll make that happen.
3. In summary, I don’t like being taken for granted and I’m afraid of it.
Like a good woman, I told him my feelings within the first month of us dating. Very easy-breezy, but also very clear. Now we’re 8 months in and we had the talk for the first time this past Sunday. Mind you, he drops hints ALL THE TIME
1. When we live together…
2. We should name our children…(this happened first at my brother’s wedding and then a month or so ago)
3. You’d take my last name…
4. When asked what he career goals are, he says “Well, I might be living in San Francisco (where I’m from) or Sun Valley (where I want to live).”
I mean, this list goes on and on. Is this someone young guys know how to do these days? Just pepper our conversations with little sparkled of the future? I mean, is it a “sign” or is it just some unintentionally, bizarre maniupulative thing?
So, back to our conversation, mind you, I’m hoping to be engaged by January-March. He charts out his plan and it puts us about 2-3 more years out! I can’t wait that long! I would be engaged at 33.
But the problem is:
1. His chart makes sense. For him.
In 1.5 years, he will hopefully be hired to be a full-time hair colorist and even then making only 30% of each color he does. Plus, by then he’ll be nearing 28. Much more realistic. For him.
But the worst part, is this agony I feel. It felt like, and please don’t think I would ever mean to insult anyone, a miscarriage of sorts. I have these big, huge desires for marriage and I can’t figure out what it’s about. Validation? Love? I. Don’t. Know. And I feel like punishing him. Now, I’ve go this insolent spirit about me that creeps out when I’m alone, like “Maybe I’m too busy to blank-blank-blank” or “You’re so dumb.”
Any thoughts? Help!