(Closed) So sad about unlikely near engagement

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like you’re at different points of readiness. A 26 year old guy, in my experience, is MUCH less mature than a 26 year old girl, let alone a 30 year old, well-educated, self-supporting one.

I think you need to evaluate whether you love him enough to slow down to his pace, or if settling down is important enough to be single, find someone new, and start your whole timeline over.

Post # 4
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sounds like you love him a lot.  So settle down and GET OFF THE BEE! 

This thing will make you CRAZY!  Also make sure he knows you’d like it to be as soon as possible, without the pressure. 

Post # 5
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

It’s a two way street doll-face, and while I totally get the out of the blue urge to wed, it hit me like a freight train one hot July night after I clapped eyes on Mr. 99 for the first time…if your timelines don’t jive there’s only one thing to do, and you might want to get used to it since it’s the foundation of the institution of marriage:  COMPROMISE.

Take some time and swallow that anger, he’s not doing anything to earn it, he’s just used to getting his way, kinda like you are…he says 3 years, you say now, meet in the middle and make a plan that works for you both.  OR maybe a long engagement is in order, getting a ring might take the edge off for you, the longer engagement might give him time to get where he’s going career-wise.

Point is, you are not wrong to feel this way, it’s awesome that you both love each other, my advice, don’t be afraid to make proposals, engagements and weddings work for you guys!

Post # 6
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Don’t let the differences in your personalities/backgrounds be too big of a factor.  Example, here’s my relationship in your terms:

  • Me = Master’s degree.  Him = HS degree.

  • Me = full-time college administrator and counselor.  Him = mostly unemployed after losing his job in 2011/part time contractor.

  • Me = parents married for 41 years.  Him = parents divorced when he was 2.

  • Me = complete introvert.  Him = could strike up a conversation with a wall.

BUT IT WORKS.  It works because we complement each other in a lot of big and little ways.  We have a great balance and share the same sense of humor.

More concerning would be your sense of urgency.  FI and I met when I was 27, he was 29.  We are getting married in November at 31 and 33.  I was initially crushed to enter my 30s unmarried, but that quickly dissapated when I realized I was with the man I’d be with forever, we just weren’t in the right place to get married yet.  

It’s ok to live your life as partners without being engaged– it’s a pretty modern step in the process toward marriage.  However, if you decide that you can’t live in the current state of love without legal documentation, be clear with him about it.  See if there is a compromise that isn’t her plan or his plan, but your plan together.

Good luck! 

Post # 7
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Catesings:  I don’t think I’d want to wait 2-3 years to marry. What’s the point? I think that if he wants to be with you, he should be able to commit. With that said, though… if you want a fancy ring and a fancy wedding (not saying you do), maybe he is worried about the financial aspect of it. It’s not unusual for a guy to want his ducks in a row before he commits.

I would see if you can compromise a bit. Realistically your clock will soon start to tick. If you spend another 3 years with him and don’t get engaged, you’ll be in a mad rush to find another guy to make babies with. He needs to understand this. Can you stress this to him without coming on too strong? It’s a valid point. Tell him you don’t have to marry right away, but 2-3 years is just too long. Marriage doesn’t necessarily have to change the relationship… it just provides more of a security blanket for the future IMO. You can assure him that you’re not looking for him to be the breadwinner, and that it’s the commitment you’re after.

It sounds to me like you really like him and his career situation doesn’t bug you, so I’m not going to say ‘find a guy who is older and more established and save yourself a lot of heartache’. He sounds like a good guy, just maybe a bit less established than you are.

Post # 8
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Catesings:  

Hm, seems a little rushed to be talking about marriage at 8 months, in my opinion. The dating period is about getting to know the person and eventually living with them to see how compatible you are for a life long committment and I think a lot of personality quirks and issues don’t really come into play until you’ve been seeing each other for awhile. Maybe that is what he means by 2-3 years from now which I think is very realistic and mature of him to do.  I met my guy at your age (he’s 3 months older than I) and we dated for 3 years before becoming engaged. When we marry it will be our 4th year together and it was well worth the wait.

Putting a dress on and wearing a diamond ring means nothing if you find out later that you’re not compatible as life partners. My advice is to take your time and continue dating him.

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