(Closed) So sad and don’t know what to do

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

@Bostongrl25: I am on the SAME page as you! I too take care of all the finances and we are both okay with that situation. It just really works for us. I too feel like his mother sometimes, taking care of every single thing, but I also enjoy being in total control of finances.

I was also promised a proposal this summer and it didn’t happen. I was pretty devasated for awhile, and October was a TOUGH month for me.. But I am trying to be optimistic about the future, and I have a good feeling it’ll happen this summer. But it still hurts to be let down, so I can sympathize with you on that one.

But, I do agree that it isn’t much to ask to save $450 over the course of 8 months. My boy got an $800 tax refund last year and the moissanite set I want is just over $1,000 and he’s implied that he’s saved the rest but who the heck knows??

What I would do is this … #1, as hard as it is DO NOT bring it up! and #2, save $450 of your own money, hand it over to him in a couple of months and simply say, “here’s my half, I hope you have yours!”

But about the tax refund thing, I don’t think it would be an awful idea to use some of it towards the ring, depending on how much you are getting back.

Whatever happens, good luck and everything will work out! 🙂

Post # 4
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe’s he’s not ready.  As much as that must hurt to hear.  I’ve been with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 5 years and he just bought the ring.  So three years isn’t that long in our situation.  The best thing that  to happen to us was him being deployed.  I think he finally realize I could live without him and not hae to rely on him for every littlw thing.  He wanted to marry someone who can take care of herself if he was gone.  So it comes down to just backing off.  Maybe he wants to buy the ring on his own.  Since you take care of everything else.  Maybe he wants to do this for himself.  $450 is not much at all these days.  It sounds like he’s making an excuse.  For what reason, I don’t know.

Post # 5
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Aw honey 🙁

I would let this play out on its own. I was questioning his commitment until I saw this: “He keeps talking about how he has this great plan to propose, and he told my mom about it. But that isn’t important to me.” Do you have any reason to think that that proposal won’t happen? Could he be planning to propose but is trying to throw you off the scent and not doing a very good job of it with comments like “I don’t have a million dollars to buy you a ring”?

Post # 6
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He’s definitely making excuses.  Unless you’re not working at all, anyone can save $450 over the span of 8 months.  That’s slightly over $50 a month!  Most people spend that on Starbucks. Unfortunately because you guys own a home together, the cards are pretty much all in his hands.  It’s not like you can just pack a bag and move out.

At this point, I think you need to sit down and find out what exactly his hold up is.  Don’t even listen to the “I’m saving” up excuse because it’s totally b.s. (and insulting to your intelligence, frankly, for the reasons stated above.)  No excuses, just the truth.  Make sure you’re ready to hear it, though.

Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

did you discuss marriage before you moved in and bought a house together?? 

 

He said that I bring it up too much

i think you need to listen to him and make a vow to yourself not to discuss or torture yourself about it for…. start with 3mths.   if you go cold on the subject and show no interest it might make him take notice and get his butt into action

 

 

Post # 8
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree that he may not be ready and I would not take over creating a budget for him to help contribute to the ring. Even if you’re fine with paying half (which I would be too, FWIW) he should still make some effort on his part if for no other reason so that down the road you don’t have to wonder whether you pushed him to proposal, KWIM?

Just because he hasn’t yet saved up his half doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It really could just be a signal of how read he is (or unready) to make that next step. Either way, it should not be something that you set on your own to make happen. Even though you do want to be engaged and married, I’m sure in your heart of hearts you want it to come from an organic place.

Also, if you feel like you’re mom when it comes to finances, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart with your SO about how you feel. Like you, I used to do all the finances and I started to feel like a mom. Not cool. So, instead, I started to get my SO more involved so that he understood what our budget was, each bill that was paid, when, etc. Even though I still am the one to actually physically pay the bill, we have much more dialogue about each bill and our financial situation. It seems like many finacial advisors suggest that couples pay bills TOGETHER to help with money stuff. Maybe trying to work as a team with the money will help steer your SO towards saving more.

Hope This Helps

Post # 9
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would say he doesn’t sound ready YET and is putting it off… he said he would propose in 2011, so he has a whole year to save up that money, so maybe he just wants to relax for the time being. That said, he says he has a plan to propose… so he’s not completely just pushing it aside.

I know it’s hard, but try to leave him alone about it for the next couple of months. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Marland Mansion or Outdoors

I had to buy mine and his with money my dad left me when he died, we have 2 kids, and so money is def tight. He really didn’t want to get married but I let him know how important it was two me, two (or three) years later… hundreds of fights about it… i started to think i didnt even want to get married… NOW he says this year is the year… you really just have to be patient and realize that getting married or not is not such a big thing in the eyes of time passing in a realtionship… it’s more about keeping cool about it until HE is REALLY ready, then he won’t shriek and run outta the room every time you mention wedding stuff. Decide if you want to marry him because you want to get married or because you want to BE married. If you want to get married it means you thought at some point, you could be with him forever, if that’s the case, why dump someone because they want to take it slow. Just relax… some guys aren’t even NEAR  ready till they hit 30, it’s not really about how long you are together to them, but more about where they want their life to be when they say I Do. Hope that helped ; )

Post # 13
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Bostongrl25:  I think for a lot of guys it’s a lot easier to say, “I’d like to marry you and plan on doing it,” but when faced with the ctual actions that will make it a reality, they can get scared.  Not being a scared guy, I can’t really tell you what it is about marriage that gives them palpatations (not the kind we ladies get) and cold sweats.

I guess it’s kinda like when I decided, after years of being afraid of them, I wanted to ride a roller coaster.  My mom had always told me how dangerous they were and that she knew peple who’d lost teeth on the and so on.  But, after she kinda dropped out of my life, and after I had a few classes in physics and had been on other rides, I realized that I wanted to try it, at least once, and I wanted to do it before I was “too old” (didn’t want to break a hip getting on the thing).  So at the age of 30, I rode my first roller coaster, and almost had a panic attack waiting for the first drop.  Because you know the drop is there, but good rides keep the actual moment from being too obvious.  After the first fall, and not dying, I realized I was “safe”, that this was loads of fun, and won’t be too hesitant to ride one again.

I think for men, proposing and the wedding are kinda of like going up that first incline on a roller coaster.  You know that you did this voluntarialy.  You know it’s supposed to be a good experience.  BUT you’ve also heard about people losing teeth or their lunch, or having birds smakc into thet faces and you think OMG that could be me… what am I doing?

Buying a ring is the first step for a guy.  It’s not making the committment to you, so much, I think, as making it to himself.  It’s not longer a far-off “safe” idea.  It’s no longer something imginary.  This is a real engagement ring.  It’s an actual object that cost actual time and money.  It’s worth a lot more than whatever its pricetag states.  It’s the first step up that hill to forever.

Also, add to this the fact that in a lot of the relationships posted in this thread, my own inlcuded, the ladies seem to be more financially concious than the guys.  I, too, pay the majority of the monthly bills, while my Boyfriend or Best Friend has been ignoring student loan debt for far oo long and is only now finally trying to do something about it.  Thier concepts of time aren’t always the same, and it looks like a lot of guys “float” from one month to the next until a deadine of some sort arrives and then have to hustle (seriously – Christmas and Valentine’s are the SAME date every year – it shouldn’t be a surprise that it’s a week away!) at the last minute.  Also, after reading a lot of posts on this site, amny, many guys don’t realize how much time it takes to plan even a very small, simple wedding, what with reservations, guest lists, and dress/tux purchases.  Your guy might just be a little bad at maanging time.

As for the savings – I couln’t have saved $450 in 8 months with my current circunstance, and I work full time.  Small things like AC repairs and car maintnenace crop up and make it pretty hard sometimes to do more than break even.  (And I’m the one who’s “good” with money).  You and your SO might consider a kind of “special occasion” savings account that you both contribute to – which for now would be savings for both the rings and wedding, but could later be used for holiday or vacation savings.

Post # 14
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Isilme: about the savings thing, I dunno.  If you can’t manage to put away $50 a month, how can you possibly pay for a wedding? Even a marriage license costs money.

I agree with everything else in your post, though.  I think he’s just not ready.  He might say he is, but words can mean very little when they’re not backed up with actions.

Post # 15
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

@Bostongrl25: I think it could be a red flag that you mention you both have successful careers but that he hasn’t/can’t save $450 in 6 months.  This isn’t a lot of money.  It makes me wonder if there are greater financial issues at play there or if he has budgeting issues in other areas.  How does he explain that he hasn’t saved $450 in 6 months?

Post # 16
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I my case, I’m play “catch up” with my own student loan and a car payment and such, so any non-budgeted expense throws me for a loop – OR I save for a vacation and then have to start all over.  As for the OPs SO, maybe the credit card has more on it than he wants to share?  He’s embarassed?

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