SO says "not sure how he feels" HELP ME PLEASE

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

singmehome :  do I understand correctly: he was just in a 6 week training in Oklahoma (in may) and he is just back home from that? Before that (30 days) he was deployed and had a very difficult time.

(just checking to see if I understand) 


Post # 4
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

My spidey sense is tingling like crazy. I think he met someone else.

you have done nothing wrong. He is the one who screwed up by giving you mixed messages. Ask him to be honest about what’s holding him back. He’s hiding something.

Post # 6
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I wouldnt be loyally pining away waiting for a man who wasnt sure about me, thats for damn sure. 

Post # 7
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

raspberrybidet : yup.I agree that something else is going on. 

Dear OP, 

we don’t know your Boyfriend or Best Friend, but on the Bee almost every time and without fail when a partner does 180 spin, isn’t sure all of the sudden and out of nowhere, there is usually a reason. (and this reason is usually infidelity.) Sometimes it comes out right away, other times it takes a while. But each time I just wish these people would have the courage to admit it straight up instead of putting their partner through all of that self-doubt.

Reach out to him asking for honesty. I sure as heck hope I am wrong. Maybe he is going through some stuff related to PTSD. Not that that’s better necessarily but an option. 

Post # 8
10082 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Seems like he wants to dump you but hasn’t worked up the nerve to come out and say it yet.

Post # 9
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

You’ve been together for 1.5 years and half of that was a deployment, with the other half being a combination of trainings and a 3 hour long distance relationship? I don’t blame him for wanting to wait to get married, you guys haven’t spent all that much time together. As for the change of heart, it could be anything; emotions running high due to the deployment, realizing that getting married means having you move across the country and having to be alone during more deplyments, not wanting the distraction of a wife at home when he’s fighting in a war, whatever. Regardless, I don’t think that I’d continue a stressful long distance relationship with someone who wasn’t 100% on board.

Post # 10
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m so sorry! This sounds awful, and it’s completely understandable that you would be feeling crushed. He got your hopes up high, and then dashed them.

I’m wondering if he got scared after his deployment, and started to worry that you wouldnn’t wait for him without a committment, so he offered up marriage. Then the reality of considering marriage and envisioning it in the near future scared him off. Unlike some other PPs, I don’t think he’s cheating on you (I hope he’s not!). But I do think he let his mouth run away with him and made promises and gave hints about some things he’s not ready for.

Will he be ready sometime in the near future? There’s no way to know for sure. I would struggle with trust after this too. His word means less now, and the next time he says he’s thinking marriage and soulmates, you may struggle to believe him.

Post # 11
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

singmehome : To recap – you have been together for a year and a half, 9 months of that he was deployed, and he is finishing up 6 weeks of training with more training right around the corner.  Plus you are long distance.  So in reality you have probably only been physically “together” for a month or two.

I am a military wife myself – my husband is in the naval reserves – and military life is HARD.  My husband obviously isn’t active duty anymore but my father in law was for 13 years and my husband’s family lived in 10 different cities within 12 years.  My father in law also missed 2 of his 3 sons’ births because he was deployed.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  My husband also knows a TON of guys who got married while active duty for all the wrong reasons, and ended up divorced just a short while later.  That is not uncommon in the military.  So in that aspect I feel like your boyfriend is trying to avoid a marriage that will end right away.

It also is difficult to tell if someone is the right one for you when you see them off and on between deployments and trainings and all of that.  Sure a lot of people make it work, but obviously he is questioning things.  Listen to him.  He isn’t ready to take the next step in your relationship because he has a lot of issues he is dealing with.  You mention PTSD, anxiety, etc.  He seems to be aware enough that he isn’t ready for a life-long commitment to you.  His self-awareness is good…people in the military sometimes don’t have that, but he does.  Give him space.  Stop wedding planning.  This may work out but it also may not.  Be prepared for either situation.

Post # 12
3442 posts
Sugar bee

How old are you guys? It sounds to me like there isn’t much you can do but wait and see. It sounds like you have’t spent much time together and are probably on the young side. He is telling you he isn’t sure. Usually, that means the end is near. I’d try to forget right now that your families get along and everyone thinks you should get married. Because those things are irrelevant if he is telling you he isn’t sure.

Post # 13
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. What a horrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s cheating (ever the optimist!) but you do need to talk to him and get to the bottom of it. He does know the reason for his feelings just something is holding him back from telling you. Maybe he is scared of hurting you. Talk it out. 

Post # 14
497 posts
Helper bee

This guy may have some PTSD symptoms going on. Until they’re resolved or he has made a firm commitment, I’d end it.

Post # 15
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I mean on the surface you’ve been together for 1.5 years but 9 months of that was deployment, and it was long distance before and after that. I really don’t feel like its possible for you to know him that well at this point and would totally be on board with HIM to not rush into marriage. 

I agree that it is possible he met someone else. 

I agree with the PP that said that emotions run HIGH during deployment. Which could cause them to sound more commited to you than in reality. It’s nice to have someone there for you during deployment, which is why a lot of military individuals rush into marriage right before (which tends to not end well).

I have a lot of military family and have dated military in the past. It is NOT for the faint of heart. 

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