Post # 1
HI… I am not ttc or even at the point of considering a child right now…but heck the more I think about being pregnant the less appealing it is…the labour scares me the most…but I even dont have the remotest desire to even be pregnant. There was one point in my life I thought it be cute to see what my biological child would look like..but i never thought about the pregant and labour stage….but ever since I was 5 I had a major heart and passion for adoption. ..I used to tell other kids on the playground not adopting was wasting kids…lol. even as a teen I sorta thought it wouldn’t be bad to be infertile so I can just adopt
Now I feel this way I also feel like I am being a jerk because my husband (soon to be) desires his own kids…2 of them…I sometimes feel it would be more fair to not be a jerk and cancel getting married on this….
guess my question is am I the only one?
Post # 3
Ithat here a compromise? How old are you? My mom didn’t even start thinking about kids or seven considering the possibility until she was 32 or so.
Post # 4
@KingsDaughter: I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your fiancé. If having biological children is something he really wants, he will resent you if you remind him a few years from now. And if you decide to give in, you may resent him. This could be a deal breaker for one of you. Be honest- not wishy washy- and be prepared that his desire for biological children may trump his desire to marry you.
Post # 5
I just had a baby not even 3 weeks ago and labor/delivery really isn’t that bad. Also, there are drugs available to help you cope with the pain (epidural etc) if if gets to be too painful for you. You should obviously discuss this with your Fiance – adoption is a great option as long as he is on board, but it sounds like he has his heart set on biological children of his own.
Post # 6
This is something you really need to figure out BEFORE getting married. For what it’s worth, I used to feel the same way you do about adoption and was also terrified of labor – well, I’m currently one day away from my due date and couldn’t care less about the pain of labor, I’m actually looking forward to the pain starting because it means that soon this will be over and my baby will be here! I would have been fine with adopting, but it was really important to my Darling Husband to have at least one biological child, and I could see where he was coming from and it was something I was willing to give on and do his way. But if you two marry each other knowing that your stances on this are fundamentally different and neither of you is willing to give or compromise, your relationship is just going to be a breeding ground for resentment. The way I see it, you have a few options here:
1 – Talk this through in depth together, possibly with the help of counseling, to try to come to some sort of an agreement.
2 – Break up now.
3 – Get married knowing this issue exists but not doing anything to resolve it, and end up getting divorced later because you two can’t come to an agreement and having biological children or not isn’t something you can really compromise on.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Definitely talk to your SO. Decisions about children are big deals. What about one adopted and one biological?
Post # 8
@KingsDaughter: I am terrified of hospitals, and my fear of them (as well as the pain of labour etc etc) has really put me off wanting children. I have spoken to my Fiance about this and he’s on board with adoption or fostering or no children at all. If we don’t have them we have some wonderful nieces who we love to bits.
Talk to your Fiance because as other posters have said not discussing this could lead to resentment.
Does he already know that you want to adopt?
Also, this is going to sound like a silly question but in regards to giving birth do you have to have a catheter?
Post # 9
If your fear is labour rather than pregnancy, have you considered requesting a C-section? You can do this, it’s called Caesarean delivery on maternal request ( CDMR).
Of course a C-section isn’t a walk in the park – I’ve had three, and there is permanent scarring/ stretching. But then, I was going to get old and saggy anyway. (p.s. I didn’t request them, I’m just putting the option out there).
But anyway, like others say, you definitely need to talk this over with your fiance. Whether or not to have kids is a major, major issue.
Post # 10
You should watch “the business of being born”. I felt the same way as you a few years ago, I recently got over it and after watching that documentary (and add in the fact that I’ve learned a bit about labour and delivery through school, and saw the different approaches to birthing in Ireland where I’ve been living for the last 2 years) and I’m starting to feel empowered to go all natural with a midwife. We’ll see when the time comes though lol
There are always more measures a woman can take to not experience the pain. Heck you could be completely knocked out if you want to. But by missing the pain, you also miss the endorphins and incredible natural high that happens right after birth that apparently makes you completely forget how awful labour was. (never been pregnant so i can’t comment on it personally, but its what I’ve read happens lol)
Post # 11
I actually used to have a huuuge fear of childbirth/labor when I was a teen, such that I said I never wanted to have kids, and like you even said that I hoped I was infertile so that I wouldn’t have to choose. I think the thing that helped me most was reading a lot of womens’ birth stories and happening to wander onto a couple baby blogs. It made it seem much less scary to me, and eventually the fear went away. I’m 35weeks pregnant now, and although I am nervous at how things will turn out, I look forward to d-day so that I can finally meet my baby. As pp have said, there are ways to help with the pain.
It is definintely something you and your Fiance need to discuss in depth because there are many people who end up getting divorced over the issue of whether or not to have children and you need to be sure you are on the same page.
Post # 12
@ms-valentine: I had to have a catheter inserted while I was in labor. It didn’t hurt at all.
Post # 13
Can I tell you I felt the exact same way (so scared of labour that I thought I might not want kids) until I was pregnant. It’s almost a programmed thing that as soon as you get pregnant, the fear really eases off.
Reading people’s birth stories helped me as well. The other thing is, if you’re scared of the pain of going through it there are definitely lots of medications they can give you for that.
Post # 14
I guess I have never been very afraid of it because women do it all the time and they make it through ok. Also, some even choose to do it multiple times. SIL was terrified of labor and delivery, but she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl yesterday. I am sure it was painful and she is exhausted, but she did it without any issues. She is doing great today.
I have also watched a lot of births on tv and read a lot of birth stories which has helped.
Post # 15
definitely discuss with your FI! i want to have kids, but i’m open to how. adoption has always been a serious option for me, and i don’t have an attachment to the idea of a biological child who shares my dna.
the important thing is to be honest – is it just the pain (which can be managed, you could take classes, meditation seminars etc) and it’s temporary, or is it that you just don’t want to have biological children? there is no wrong answer.
and has your Fiance really thought about adoption seriously? or is he only willing to consider having biological children? is there room to explore there?
once you have those answers, things may be more clear to you both. don’t put off the discussion though, this is something that you should both be okay with going into marriage.
Post # 16
Aww, I think it’s great that you want to adopt.
I want to adopt AND have my own kids.
I’m afraid of labor too, but I do a lot of things I’m afraid of. Life is scary, but don’t let that ruin it for you. However, we are already an overpopulated planet, there is not really a good reason to be a biological parent if you don’t want to be.
Definitely discuss it with your partner before marriage. You should not have biological choldren for his sake, but you also need to respect his right to decide not to marry you because he really wants to marry someone who has the goal of having biological children with him.
You may be pleasantly surprised. I always assumed most poeple would not want to adopt, and since I would like both kinds of children ideally, but I know life is unpredicatable and I’m flexible, I assumed it would be more likely my Fiance would want only biological children, and I was ok with that. Turns out he thinks adoption is a great idea too! We’re now hoping for 3 kids, maybe 2 biological, 1 adopted, or …some other combination. Whatever works. Anyway, we’re on the same page. Just make sure your guy is on the same page. If he’s really not, then it’s best to let him go so that you can both find a partner who has the same goals as each of you do.