(Closed) So sick of Catholic “rules”

posted 9 years ago in Catholic
Post # 17
Member
6996 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@Lovespearls: love the ribbon wands! i made them but “no recieving lines” at the church…so we are saving them for the farewell after the reception.

Post # 18
Member
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

also, you mentioned that you’re getting married in a cathedral (as opposed to a plain ol’ church). cathedrals often come with more strict rules. I thought about going with one because it’s closer to the reception, but with all of the “crazy” rules I ran into, I just stuck with my home parish. with the catholic gap anyway, 45 minutes of driving may not be a bad option for your guests.

Post # 19
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Dealing with the Church was the most difficult and frustrating part of planning our wedding. We are both Catholic (had all the sacrements), actually, my Fiance did all of his sacrements in the church we are getting married in, and they STILL gave us a hard time.

Because we now live in a different diocese, we had to jump through a lot of hoops to get married in this church. We also have the rules that OP mentioned (rice, flower, bubbles, etc). It has been very difficult getting ahold of anyone at the church. After we picked the date, nobody would talk to us about the details until 2 months before the wedding. Didn’t give us a rehearsal time until last week. Our wedding is in 2 weeks! There are a lot of people who have to plan for this. There is nobody there that is a “coordinator” of any sort. All logistic questions had to go to the priest. And honestly I think our priest has a few more important things to do than discuss pew treatments. I asked if there would be anyone there to tell me when to walk down the aisle, and he told me I could probably get the limo driver to do that. What? The organist does not give out contact information, so we had to go to mass there 3 Sundays in a row to try and speak to him. Not complaining about going to mass, it is just that this church is an hour from where we live. Why can’t I just call you and ask whether we should play the Ava Maria during Communion or during the Preparation of the Gifts. So annoying.

I just think that the Church should make you feel a little more loved and excited about getting married in the Church, and not make you feel like you are an inconvienience. That’s all.

Post # 20
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

We are getting married Catholic but in a multi-denominational church. The rules for us are the same rules for every other religion. The only “Catholic-rule” as far as the ceremony goes was we couldn’t have a unity candle.

The no aisle, rice, rose petals, etc are chapel rules. We also HAVE to use the organist, you cannot NOT have her which I think waaay weird.

Post # 21
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We got the rice rule, too.  But what bothered me was that they made it very clear that our wedding is just another item on their agenda (or bump in their road) and needs to be wrapped up on time because the next limo/funeral car/whatever will be pulling in as we are pulling out.  I’m never late to anything, but they gave me an ear full about me better not being as much as 5 minutes late on my wedding day. If I am, they will just cut the ceremony short, rush through our vows, and get us out of there. That makes my wedding ceremony feel as special as an assembly line product. NEXT!

Post # 22
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

No flowers can be thrown by flower girl, flower girl and ring bearer must be of school age, no bubbles, rice or anything thrown, etc.

These were rules at the Museum of Contemporary Art where I got married – definitely not Catholic rules (except the school age thing, that’s a little weird).

There’s a lot of things about Catholicism that rub me more than not allowing rice throwing!

Post # 23
Member
4122 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@AprilJo2011: At the mormon Temple at SLC there’s a new couple coming through the doors outside every 15 min. Your family and friends who can’t witness the wedding wait near the door, you come out, everyone cheers… and your group leaves so the next group can line up and welcome their friends…. That is pretty assembly line to me. 

The reality is, no matter your denomination/religion, most people get married on Saturday’s. People also die… and there are also saturday masses or services depending on your faith. That IS a lot to fit into one day. Couple that with the fact that Catholics must be married INSIDE the church building and not on a golf course or elsewhere and that’s a lot of people who need to use the building on a specific day. So, trying to fit in even 3 weddings is logistically hard, given that they will be 45min – 1.5 hrs long each.

The other sad reality, is that no matter how punctual you are… most people aren’t. As I work in the industry I would say being on time to a ceremony these days is the exception. Sometimes it’s because a hair/makeup mishap or going over time, sometimes Grandma’s flight is delayed, sometimes there is traffic, etc….

In the end, the “rules” that are frustrating aren’t “Catholic” rules, and they are ones every church building (and most museums, art centers, and the like) enforce. PPs have stated pretty clearly about the different bubbles, flowers, etc.

We couldn’t toss flowers either, so my Mother-In-Law made the FGs a princess wand with ribbons cascading down. 

As for age, a LOT of churches (again, not catholic specific) these day’s don’t allow young children.  It NEVER goes right when the kids are under 4 or 5…. trust me I’ve seen plenty of tears, heard plenty of screams, and seen plenty of kids trying to run the opposite direction away from all the people staring at them….

One thing that I learned in planning my wedding, was to first focus on the priority. I had my Fiance (now DH), we had Jesus and the priest, and at the end, we would be covenantally bound in marriage. After that, we embraced our church and any “rules,” especially as all of them are either insurance and logistics issues or make complete theological sense. Instead of focusing our energy on trying to force things or being frustrated that the cookie cutter expectations could be, we let things happen naturally and embraced the differences.

In the end, although we didn’t do a unity candle (we didn’t want to anyhow), we didn’t have FG’s toss petals, and we had 15 min. for pics afterwards in the church because people were coming in for mass (but that was fine too because outdoor pictures always look better :)… a lot of lapsed or fallen away catholics loved every aspect of our wedding and found it very refreshing and enjoyable. They also didn’t realize that it was over an hour… because they enjoyed it so much.

Everything about a wedding is what you make of it… we got married in the church where we met… which is seriously not beautiful at all… Would I have loved to get married in my home church or a cathedral? Sure, but it wouldn’t have been as meaningful. Perhaps more photogenic… but at what cost? One reason churches are hard to just “get married at” is because your parish is where you should receive your sacraments. They are the ones who educate, support, and foster your growth weekly. The church is the people, not the actual building… Most churches do have a 1-2 year parishioner rule to prevent people from getting married at a different church “because it looks better” or “because it’s better logistically.”

Post # 24
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

@MrsPinkPeony: How is that possible?  College church building used by multiple religions?

Post # 25
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@KLP2010: AMEN!!! (“One reason churches are hard to just “get married at” is because your parish is where you should receive your sacraments. They are the ones who educate, support, and foster your growth weekly. The church is the people, not the actual building…”)

When we got engaged, we were quite surprised to hear people ask us WHERE we planned on getting married.  Our home parish, where we’re both registered parishoners, is our HOME parish.  We’ve fallen in love with the community and fellowship, despite our church being one of the “less pretty” churches in the city.  We met at Church, attend weekly together, started our second date there (at a Lenten mission) and sing in the choir together.  There was no question in our minds that we’d marry there as well!

Post # 26
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@CoffeeHound: I’ve see that before too. My sister got married at a military college. The chapel has a revloving alter. One for Catholic, one for jewish and one for Protestant. 

Post # 27
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@CoffeeHound Yep. There’s a schedule for when every different religion uses it too. There’s a requirement at the school that all freshman spend an hour with their religion of choice, even if you don’t believe in anything you have to spend an hour reflecting on why and everyone is allowed to use the chapel. 

Since it is entirely nonsectarian, the Chapel can belong to no particular denomination.

Post # 28
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yeah, just wanted to reiterate what others have said – this is not the Catholic church, it is your church.  Our Catholic ceremony can have any music we choose.  While there is a no flower petal rule, it is because the floors are gorgeous stone and they may be stained by flower petals. 

Generally, if it’s important to you or your family to get married in a Catholic church, I don’t see the rules as a big deal – the church aims to protect the sanctity of the ceremony rather than having the wedding seem like a show (not that you would do this, that was how our priest explained it to us and it makes sense).  There are so many other locations outside the church if you want a highly customized ceremony including aspects the church does not allow.

Post # 29
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@CoffeeHound  – The place we are getting married at is the same way, its a military college chapel and nonsectarian.

Post # 30
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Sking: I agree with you. It must be this particular church, because in my parish you can customize your wedding however you want, that includes the use of petals. The only thing that the church stresses is to make sure the wedding isn’t made into a show.

Post # 31
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

We got married in a Catholic church and our church had all of the same rules execpt for the rule about the same music for the bridesmaids and bride. 

As pp have said, most churches (Catholic and Protestant) have rules against throwing rice, petals, or blowing bubbles.  Why?  Becuase they are hard to clean up, present a hazard (slip and fall) and/or stain the church.  These churches are beautiful and very expensive.  They don’t want to have to hire a special cleaning crew to pick up after the many weddings that are held each and every weekend. 

If you want to do bubbles, rose petals, rice, or sparklers, do it as you exit your reception venue. 

At our church, children had to be 5 to participate in the wedding.  After years of experience with weddings, our church (smartly) realized that young children don’t have a long attention span and often end up being disruptive to the service (fits, meltdowns, tears, inappropriate behavior, just being kids).  The sacrement is the focus of the ceremony, and our church wanted to make sure it stayed the focus of the ceremony (not children being delt with by their parents).

Don’t take these rules personally, its the church’s way of protecting the sacrement and the church. 

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