- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
I’m posting to vent, but don’t even know what to say.
We are not communicating well. Doing a bad job of keeping small things unemotional and keeping them from escalating. IMO, he turns into an impossible, defensive jerk when he’s decided he just doesnt want to continue a discussion that he is afraid will lead to an argument. I, on the other hand, want to discuss something and am confident we can without arguing; but he puts up a wall “to stop it from escalating,” goes on a defensive tirade and shuts down. I get frustrated because I’m just trying to talk about something without either of us getting upset. He gets upset because he doesn’t want to talk about it, I get upset because I do and I feel he is shutting me out.
I believe he is scared to death that we are doomed to conflict, so he is intent on avoiding conflict by not talking and wanting me to not talk. I am intent on us being able to talk calmly about something instead of avoiding it. Result: I try to talk, he gets frustrated, irrational, and reactive, I try again, he just wants to stop, and nothing is resolved.
Wedding’s in about 3 weeks.
Just want peace and harmony.
Last night we went from making dinner for each other and taking care of each other, taking a pleasant walk to ballroom dance lessons, and laughing hysterically at our engagement pictures, to such intense mutual frustratoin that Fiance stormed out of the house for an hour at midnight to cool off, and I went to bed in tears. We haven’t talked yet today.
Yes, we’ve had a little bit of premarital counseling, but I really believe we need more. I think we both need to adapt our communication styles to each other, especially when we hit some conflict, but in the middle of conflict he seems completely unwilling to adapt in any way, and becomes SO DEFENSIVE. which of course makes it worse.