- 10 years ago
I am only getting more and more frustrated as the days tick by. I almost want to tell myself to just get out now and try to be happy being single, but I know deep down that that would not make me happy. I am happy with my SO, but the frustration with waiting and my want and need to get engaged is just eating away at me and overall I am just not a happy person lately.
If you’ve read my recent past posts, then you know what is going on. If you haven’t, basically my SO was supposed to propose this August, but last week told me that he is not ready for marriage. He says that he’s working on it, and even told me that he imagined proposing in February 2012 and that even before the proposal I could plan for an August 2012 wedding.
To me this is so conflicting. So he’s not ready for marriage but I can start planning for a wedding? So he loves me more than anyone ever but he’s just not ready for that commitment? I feel like he’s playing with me, even though he assures me that he is not. I want to shout at him, “Just quit with the crap and the conflicting information and tell me what the hell your plan is.” And yet I know he probably has no plan. And yet I continue to wait.
Ever since our conversation last week about how he isn’t ready for marriage, marriage and engagement are almost all I can think about. Questions run through my head… “Am I not good enough for him?” “Why should I stick around?” “What’s wrong with me?” “What’s wrong with him?” Etc., Etc.
I’ve decided not to bring up anything engagement/marriage related at all now. I had resolved to do this before, but apparently I still brought it up without realizing it in a joking way. He agreed that we could now openly talk about it, but I see no point. The ball is in his court and he knows where I stand. I have not hidden any feelings and he agrees that the issues left to fix are his own.
However, I can’t get thoughts of engagement out of my head. I cry alone at least once a day now because I just want to move forward in this relationship and I feel stuck. I may only be 26 years old, but he turns 40 next week. Yes, you read that right. FORTY. He has never been married and I think he’s scared that things won’t turn out right that he just doesn’t want to take the leap and take the chance.
I just started reading “Why Men Marry Bitches”, so I hope that helps me get into a different mindset. I’m also going to try and do so much more for myself. I honestly just want to throw myself into so much on my own that he becomes afraid of losing me. At this point I don’t even want to spend time with him until he can come to his senses. But I feel that maybe in order for him to come around to engagement, I may need to go above and beyond to make him happy. Maybe if I make him feel so incredibly loved then he will want to move forward. I feel conflicted on which path to take. Spend more time with him and make him happier than ever before, or spend way less time with him and make him feel as though he is losing me. (He’s honestly not losing me, but if things continue on for too long, then I’m afraid I may have to do something to improve upon my own happiness.)
Even if I try to do more for myself, I’m worried that I will not be able to be happy again without an engagement. I’ve tried telling myself that it doesn’t matter, as long as I am with this man and our relationship is good, but it doesn’t help. I need the commitment.