(Closed) So sick of waiting, resentment is around the corner

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
10527 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
ladyladette: 

ljm308’s  second paragraph said it perfectly .  I think he needs to be told, seriously told,  that the ring is not the issue for you and that telling you that you ‘deserve’ something  different than what you have expressed a desire for ( ie a simple wedding  and ring ) and thus need to wait for this deserved thing ,  is beginning to sound and feel a bit  like lack of committment/cold feet to you.

Post # 17
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee

I’m missing something – why can’t you propose to him? 

In your 30s or not, 2-3 years isn’t very long to be with someone, certainly not ‘crying yourself to sleep’ level of waiting. 

You may feel like time is running out because you’re in your 30s, but unfortunately that’s just the way your life has panned out and it won’t make him ready any sooner. Again, why can’t you propose to him if you’re that desperate? 

Post # 18
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

Discussing timelines or rough estimates with your bf can help pass the time. Is he waiting only to find the ring, or is there something more? Maybe he’s waiting a year because he wants to get finances/debts/some life situations sorted before he gets married? Thats what SO and I are doing right now. We have timelines set so I can finish graduate school and he can figure out his work. As opposed to getting married now, our timeline will make us both more prepared for when we will get engaged and married. Be open, have this discussion with your BF.

Post # 19
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

My DH was like this in Year 4 of our relationship. He was shopping for raw gemstones and asking for price quotes and timelines from award-winning stone-cutters and asking me for my opinionws on various ideas and I was like, “I DON’T CARE.” He thought I was being the cool girlfriend and pretending to not be materialistic, but I DID NOT CARE. I told him I’d be happy with a plain gold band stacked with a diamond eternity band, which was true, but he kept saying that he wanted my ring to have a super special center stone. 

So I built myself three Blue Nile rings with tiny ideal cut, D-colored, IF diamonds for under half of the insane budget he set for my e-ring and said “Look, I made three rings with center stones. Choose one and be done with it.” He insisted that he could do better and still went the custom route, but he scaled back the crazy and my ring was ready pretty quickly. I think it’s because I showed him what my expectations were. 

Maybe try to do similar? Show him rings with price ranges that you would like to have? 

Post # 20
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, you have two options.

Wait it out.

Tell him you are done and leave.

Personally, I will never understand the need nor desire to get married. God, I never thought about it. Never dreamed about it and didn’t lose sleep over it. So what if other couples are getting married? And if people ask why you aren’t married respond by “I dunno. Ask him.”

Live your life as you see fit. If you think he isn’t going to marry you and you are dying for a wedding and marriage then dump his ass and go find a man who will marry ya up.

Post # 21
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

You have the rest of your life to be married. Don’t rush. And…stay off weddingbee. It makes you wedding crazy (I know from personal experience). He has given you a valid reason.

Post # 22
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

Well you definitely have more than just those two very stark options. You seem to be coming at this in a very binary way and also from a feeling of the man gets to have his way completely in this area. He does not. This is an antiquated thing we have carried into our modern lives from a time when women weren’t in the work force and were basically handed from man to man (father to husband) like chattle. I think it’s important to recognize that some parts of this decision making process should still be preserved (the man gets to decide when/if he wants to marry the woman) but others need to be seen for how impractical they are in todays world.

In today’s world, it makes sense that the man still reserve the right to decide if/when he wants to marry you. After all, we ALL reserve that right. You certainly get to decide if/when you ever want to marry him. Neither party should be pressured in that area, clearly. But if he HAS told you that he DOES want to marry you, and you believe him, then all other areas should be openly discussed and your needs and desires should be given JUST AS MUCH weight as his. You are an equal partner in this relationship. He shouldn’t get to have this much power over your “happiness button.” This is one of those things we’ve brought into the modern world that is just not practical. Woman are equal partners now – once you know that he does want to marry you (so you don’t have to worry that you’re pressuring him in that area), there should be non-emotional, fact-gathering, clarity-creating conversations around every aspect that either of you care to discuss. 

Some women want input on the ring, others don’t care, some women are excited to begin wedding planning, others would rather skip the entire thing and elope. Men vary likewise. This whole “everything needs to be left to the man so that he can create this hude romantic scene” thing is just so antiquated and impractical for most modern couples because of the uneven power dynamic it forces us into. Think about it, you have a say in what you eat for dinner every night, where you go for most date nights, what area to live in if you live together, what sort of furniture/decor to have, etc. WHY would you not have similar conversations/input in the ring/proposal/marriage discussions?

I advise that you just sit him down one night in a casual, non-emotional, non-confrontational way and have the conversations you want to have in the way you want to have them. If you need to, preface the convo by saying some things about needing to feel like an equal partner whose feelings are being taken into consideration, etc. You are upset because you feel like he’s not truly taking your emotional state into consideration, and that’s very valid. 

I’m not saying he’s doing this, but men are KNOWN for coming up with every excuse in the book to keeping stringing the girlfriend along before actually comitting. You can nip that in the bud right now. Give him your timeline – that you will wait another 6 months and then you will know what his REAL decision is and how much he REALLY values you, and if you don’t feel adequately valued, you will leave and find someone who WILL value you appropriately. 

He’s trying to center the ring as his excuse. You can cut through all that nonsense very easily in one conversation by just sweetly informing him he has 6 months. Send him one final email with links to a variety of the cheaper rings you link as options, and then drop the discussion entirely. YOU recenter this discussion on time. He has a timeline, and you could care less about the ring, and you expect to be believed when you say that, and for your opinion on the matter to be respected. In the ring email you can always point out that y’all can get a small center diamond now and trade in/size up later, or he can go the morganite/moisanite/etc route and continue to save for a real center stone at the 5 year wedding anniversary or something like that. Point is, there’s no reason he should be allowed to get away with making the ring the reason he’s putting things off when there are so many other options out there. It’s no excuse at all to not be taking your emotional state more seriously. 

The crucial thing is to have this talk be completely non-confrontational. You don’t want to become associated with stressful marriage talks. Give him absolutely zero he can fault you on. Make him dinner, be extra sweet, casually bring it up, but just project a more confident, “value me as much as I value myself” energy, state your epectations, negotiate a timeline if he wants input there, but take away his ability to focus the ring in the discussion entirely. 

I’m not saying he’s using the ring as his excuse. But it may be a subconscious thing he’s clinging to because some part of him still feels hesitant and he doesn’t want to admit that to you. If that’s the case, you need to know. Even if he is 100% sure he wants marriage and it actually working on a ring design as we speak, that is still not a valid excuse to not give you some solace. Just let him know that if that’s what’s going on, you’d rather be told right now and be given a timeline than held in suspense another 6 months-year and surprised. This is ALL in your control! Empower yourself! Good luck

Post # 23
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
VictorianChick:  “Personally, I will never understand the need nor desire to get married. God, I never thought about it. Never dreamed about it and didn’t lose sleep over it.”

Puzzled as to why you’re on a site called ‘Weddingbee’ then, but that’s your own business I suppose. Still, an attitude like this is clearly not helpful to OP when it obviously matters to her very much.

Post # 24
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
ljm308:  +1000. This was definitely my situation and the route I took. My Fiance was so busy getting ‘all his ducks in a row’ and dragging his ass while he Chandler Bing’ed about trying to decide on a surprise proposal etc, that he wasn’t listening to me that this was causing me uncertainty and resentment. Have a very frank, honest conversation with him OP, it’s your future too (I hate the ‘don’t pressure him/ be endlessly patient’ p.o.v.)

As for the unique ring he wants to get- is this a concrete plan or a pie-in-the-sky dream of his? It’s one thing to be actively saving/designing/looking with serious intent and quite another thing altogether to simply be saying ‘when I get her a ring, it’s going to be a really unique one’ with no actual steps taken toward it. 

Post # 25
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ladyladette:  He clearly wants to get you a unique ring and a nice wedding. Three years is not that long. Stop comparing yourself to others. Plus how do you know he isn’t designing a ring without you knowing?

Try bringing up rings and say “what style do you prefer?” And then offer some suggestions are what you like. 

Try not to be so bitter… he seems like he wants you to have the world and nothing less. 3 years is not a long time. I was with my fiancé longer than that when we got engaged and trust me, it’s not a big deal. Don’t rush it.

Post # 26
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
ladyladette:  Everyone sayin years to wait I understand but not when you hit 30. I felt a definite timeline due to the baby issue – use that. 

When I met my DH I said straight off what I wanted and that I didn’t want to wait a long time due to my ahe and fears of conception. He understood as when I set out the time to marry after engagement and then trying to conceive he got it could still be years later. Maybe use that – ask if he wants kids and when he sees that. Tell him you are upset and do not want a flashy ring and can wait for him to make one but happy to upgrade AFTER marriage – ask him what’s more important a r for others to ooh and ahh over or moving forward, your happiness and children. I don’t get the  thing for the man – unless it’s to impress others or he wants a little more time, if so he needs to be up about it.

Post # 27
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
msbr:  I don’t see that as the issue here.  It is perfectly reasonable to expect to take the next step within 3 years, especially if you are late 20’s/30’s.  The issue is that she doesn’t care about the ring or the wedding; she cares about starting a life with her boyfriend but he wants things to be “perfect”.  I don’t see her as bitter for expecting to take the next step.  He is making a huge deal out of a “perfect” ring when that’s not what she wants…but he’s not listening to her.  He isn’t internalizing that his girlfriend is starting to resent him because of not taking the next step.  That is a pretty big deal.  It’s not like he isn’t ready to take the next step, he is dragging his feet because he wants a “perfect” ring.

Post # 28
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ljm308:  Look at it from his perspective. Her original post doesn’t say she talked to him or her age. 3 years is not that long. He may want what’s best for her.

What you said is your personal opinion. You don’t know all of the circumstances or the conversations they have had.

OP, I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Maybe he doesn’t understand how serious you are about not caring about the ring.

Post # 29
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

if you’re so tired of waiting then propose yourself… it’s really that simple. He can still get you your unique ring and all the rest of that jazz at a later date. 

Post # 30
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I have been there – I got my proposal just before our 5th anniversary and I was going crazy for almost a year beforehand. About every 2 months I’d bring it up and cry and he’d get so frustrated and I would feel awful afterwards. And of course I knew I was pushing back the proposal a few weeks each time this happened. 

Something that really helped though, was asking him to give me a timeframe. He told me within 3-6 months and after that I was able to focus on that and not get upset that I’d be waiting for another year or more. It sounds very unromantic and I think he found it very annoying giving a number at the time but was happy afterwards when we didn’t fight about it again.

I had been worrying a lot that the proposal would be less special as it was drawn out so long, I was getting very resentful and he was putting up with me. But let me tell you it was amazing and worth the wait.

Hang in there bee, your moment will come! xx

The topic ‘So sick of waiting, resentment is around the corner’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors