(Closed) SO stalling after 4 years?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

You need to tell him this clearly and calmly BUT you must not let him manipulate you into thinking your feelings are wrong. In asking “would you rather have the paper, or me?” he is putting a guilt trip on you, trivialising marriage to a mere bit of paper, and is also quite nastily implying that he will not marry you. When he tries to tack this tack again, point it out calmly, and say that you will not allow your feelings to be invalidated.

You need to get a timeline and he needs to stick to it. If marriage is important to you, do not compromise your values and happiness by playing into his guilt game. A lot of men do this (ie. “you want the wedding, not me” or “if you really loved me, you’d stay without marriage”) and women need to confront these games and call men’s bluffs.

Post # 4
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Wilhelmina:  IMO, after 30, I’d give myself a year to decide if I and he wanted to marry. Thats just me.

You need to decide what your waiting cut off is. It sounds like get married is important to you, and for him its not a priority right now. How long are you willing to wait?

Post # 5
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you need to ask yourself if it is worth going forward with your relationship knowing that you will always be harboring that bitterness and resentment. You might always question why he didn’t want to marry you or why he thought that having that “piece of paper” was not important. You don’t want to let feelings like that stir up inside you for years and years. I think ultimately they would lead to some serious problems. If you guys aren’t on the same page with marriage, then its better to find out now and decide if it is worth staying or not, than to wait 10 years from now when the best years of your youth are used up and you have to start over again with someone new. Your feelings are important and he has an obligation, as your boyfriend, to sit down with you and hear how you feel without trivializing your emotions or your needs. Good luck and keep us posted!

Post # 6
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

Yes you deserve to have a serious conversation about it, but you said you made jokes about it, so maybe he’s feeling a little blindsided by how serious you are about it.

He shouldn’t make fun of you for wanting to get married by any means. I don’t think he’s blaming you though. You said you brought it up early on and then were afraid to bring it up seriously after that, so he really might not have known how important it is to you.

I really don’t think he’s playing games or trying to guilt you. Why is it so important to have that paper saying you’re married? I’m not trying to be mean with that either. I’m getting married so it’s not like I think it’s pointless to get married. I just think it would be good if you answered that question and gave him the answer though. I personally don’t need to know your answer, it’s more of something for you to think about for when you go to sit down and talk to him about it. Some people really don’t see why you should get married if you are already living together, it’s not a high priority for them. That doesn’t mean they can’t compromise with you, if it is a high priority for you.

I really don’t mean to offend you, please don’t take anything I’ve said that way. I just don’t think you should jump to him messing with your head, when this really could just be an issue of miscommunication/lack of communication. I really believe if you explain why getting married is more than just a paper to you, he will understand better and have more open conversations with you about it, which will let you know where everything stands for you two.

Post # 7
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

if your goal is to get married and settle down and it’s not his, neither of you will be happy. i’ve gone through this and i felt sad and he felt pressured. 7 years later he’s still out there playing games, dating younger and younger girls who don’t mind his disinterest in marriage.

you guys need an open and very honest conversation about what you want in life and if the other can help you get there.

Post # 9
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

i agree with everyone.  you need to discuss with him calmly and have a timeline. if he doesn’t meet this timeline, then you need to decide for yourself what’s best for you and your happiness.  *hugs*  

Post # 11
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

*hugs* Well done and good for you for being so strong and brave about confronting a matter of great importance to you, emotionally and practically! & I am glad he is stepping up to the plate and proving with more than words, that he wants to commit to a life with you.

I suggest you sleep and relax now. It sounds like you have been on an emotional and mental rollercoaster the last few days.

Post # 12
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

@Wilhelmina:  I think you need to tell him how you feel; I thnk you’re right, you could end up resenting him if nothing happens. Ask him if he’d be willing to set a rough deadline, like 2 years etc so you know where you stand but it’s not too soon for him so he can have time to think etc

Post # 13
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I was in a 10 year relationship like this.   He used to keep the marriage talk light and joke-y.  I ended up getting pregnant and he left 7 months into our son’s life.   I’m so thankful I got my son out of the whole deal, but I really wished I had told him how I felt and given myself a timeline.  I was 30, a single mom, and in a total mess.  

Now, he may want to get married, but you really need to start making goals together.   Trust your gut, I wished I had trusted mine.

Post # 14
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I just saw your update, I’m so glad you talked!

Post # 16
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@Wilhelmina:  It’s great that he values your needs and is taking action toward marriage now that you’ve expressed to him how important it is. All the best and  I hope your wait from here on out is a pleasant one!

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