Post # 31
We split costs, but it’s not exactly 50/50 and we don’t nickel and dime each other. Actually, my boyfriend winds up paying for things a lot more than I do because he offers to. I do offer but many times he’ll just say “next time”, then when I offer again, he says the same thing, so sometimes I just surprise him by paying for things. It works for us; I don’t think there is a magic formula that works for everyone.
We have discussed rings but the budget is completely up to him. Not that we’re buying one *today*, but we’ve talked about styles we both like (and I’ve learned he is much more traditional than I am) and have looked online. I asked if he had a budget in mind and he said he did, but for me to not worry about it. I said to please let me know if things we look at are out of his budget, and he said he would, but so far he has not said anything, so I have no clue as to what he is thinking of spending.
As far as an engagement watch, if he really wanted one – and I could afford it – I would certainly get it for him. But like a PP said, it’s similar to a woman asking for a ring that is out of her boyfriend’s budget – if I couldn’t afford it, then I couldn’t. I see no problem getting him an equally priced engagement gift.
And I too don’t understand why women get the short end of the stick.
Edit – I don’t know if I could be in a relationship where everything was split exactly 50/50 down the middle. Like if he bought me a coffee he would expect me to pay half. That would drive me crazy.
Post # 32
That splitting shyt would not fly with me for a variety of reasons. I would rather we take turns instead of this. He’s dating his future spouse and not his ‘friend from around the way’…that would have been a huge turnoff…and his expectation that anytime I give you something, you have to match me equally is off putting. My man takes me out and I have yet to pay for a meal so maybe I am just not used to the sentiment. But I will be damned if we go buy a cup of coffee and you ask me for half.
Post # 33
I can’t do cheap and I’d be annoyed doing 50/50 everything in my marriage (shared finances, I make more than DH) but every couple has its own rules.
It doesn’t sound like he has been waiting all his life for a nice watch, it sounds like a tit-for-tat situation. It would be one thing if he had hinted or mentioned it in passing. It’s an entirely different situation when he can’t do something nice without expecting an equal gesture in return. If this is what you want to sign up for, buy the ring or give him the cost of the ring toward the watch. Otherwise find a guy who wants to make a grand gesture without expectation of what is in it for him materially.
Post # 34
I got my husband an engagement watch. The cost was on par with my engagement ring. Even though I say that I got it for him, we had already merged finances at that point, so really we got both the ring and the watch together. I picked my ring, he picked his watch, it was all very equal.
That said, I couldn’t stand being with someone who nickel and dimed me over every little thing. Splitting the cost of coffee would annoy me far more than the engagement watch.
Post # 35
Okay so we never truly split costs in the traditional sense, we basically took turns paying (but it was always so so casual). For the first 6 months or so, he paid for everything (because he wanted to), and then I started paying for things when I could because I wanted to! We’ve always thought of money as “our money” and once we got engaged, we got a joint account for all of our money, and just pay bills and everything through that. Money problems can be a huge sticking point, and are one of the biggest reasons for divorce. I am NOT saying you are doomed, but I honestly think you need to be 100% on the same page about money issues before you get married.
Post # 36
i actually really wanted to get my Fiance a watch as an engagement gift – my thought was that if i’m getting something fancy and expensive, then he should, too. he decided that he’d like the watch as a wedding present, rather than the engagement present, so we compromised. i dont see anything wrong with your SO’s request.
FWIW, the universe does *not* revolve around the sun…just our solar system does.
Post # 37
after reading your update… I would not marry someone who’s always nickel and diming you for 50/50 and never takes you out on a date or gifts you anything with out expecting an equal gift in return. That’s not a generous heart and would be a total deal breaker for me.
This will play out your whole lives if you marry him. What if you make less? Does he live better while you still fork over 50% of all living costs? Do you have to “borrow” money from your husband if you’re in a bind with medical bills? How about if you have a baby? Will all holiday gifts be of equal value to the dime?
Post # 38
I think the idea of an engagement gift for him is sweet IF you are doing it voluntarily. Gift giving should be enjoyable for the giver too. In your case I would not buy him the Rolex for the main reason that you really don’t want to. It’s not a gift from the heart. I understand your hesitation. A Rolex is a major investment, even on a PA salary. Particularly when you have a wedding and a home to pay for. I might by him an alternate more affordable watch or maybe try to find a used Rolex. Or maybe offer to pay for part of the ring. Most likely I would get him something meaningful and affordable that I selected, not that I was instructed to purchase
Post # 39
Have you read The Joy Luck Club? If not, you should. I couldn’t deal with a 50/50 kind of person. When we were dating I paid for us to do some things and my husband paid for other things. He wound up spending more but wasn’t troubled by it, nor was he keeping score. The engagement ring was what he could afford at the time and I was fine with it. 50/50 sounds nice but the reality is that it’s not. It’s just a sneaky way of being stingy under the guise of fairness.
Mind you, I grew up with a father who told me point blank men should spend $ on you (within their means) and if they don’t, forget about them. I don’t know that I disagree….
Post # 40
If my guy had wanted an engagement watch (that was reasonably within our budget) I’d have been thrilled to get it for him.
I don’t really understand the problem here. Why is it ok for women to get obsessed with e-rings (case and point – every other post on these boards) but when a man asks for something he’s being narcissistic?
Post # 41
Wait, it’s always 50/50? And now he can’t even buy you an engagement ring without you buying him something just as expensive? Uh, no.
Post # 42
it’s not too awkward, I was just asking for advice. Sometimes bees can be a little harsh in their responses! we discuss plenty of issues together that make me believe he will make a wonderful life partner. But discussing finances is a new one as we just began talking about being engaged.
Post # 44
What’s he like with birthdays and Christmas etc?
Post # 45
I’ll definitely bring all of these points up In a serious conversion very soon. Thank you for all of your input. this is the first man I have ever seriously considered settling down with, and money is really our only major issue. having read all of your responses though, I think I definitely need to have a conversation with him. We are not engaged yet, and dont have any major commitments together (dog/furniture) etc, so there is definitely plenty of space to figure this out. If I find that he is unwilling to compromise, that will be a whole new can of worms to deal with. But im going to take it one step at a time, and have a heart to heart about finances and the future. I always figured as long as I was financially stable on my own I was happy, but maybe not.