- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
I’d laugh at my fiance and tell him to quit dreaming and buy me dinner instead 😀
I’d laugh at my fiance and tell him to quit dreaming and buy me dinner instead 😀
I gave my fiance an engagement watch, my mum gave my dad one and I thought it was a nice idea. He’ll be able to wear it at the wedding and it’s nice for him to have something symbolic too.
I suggested an exchange of gifts because he insisted on buying me a ring and I love him and wanted to commemorate this moment for us both.
FWIW I don’t think it’s ‘feminist’ since you call yourself that to know an engagement is coming and sit pretty expecting a ring while balking at the audacity of him to want something too.
On the other hand, I agree 50/50 splits over every small thing gets real old real fast.
Lolz at women demanding a $20k ring but can’t spot a $20k watch. Feminism is equality, people should read a book sometimes and not rely on google. when our feminist mothers fought for the right to women vote the thought of feminism revolved around fairness for all sexes. Not sure where the current paranoia on feminism started but it ain’t about hating men–it’s hating the double standard.
for splitting everything in half–that’s what happ when you share a bank account. both of you put money in the account and both have the rights to withdraw. In essence it really is 50/50 cause it’s coming from the same damn account.
just saying, if you demand a ring then he can demand a watch. There nothing wrong with men wanting a symbol of engagement. Plus we expect them so shell out dough and not give in return? That’s ironic right?
I don’t see the issue with a man having an engagement watch. While it doesn’t have the same symbolism as a ring, I like the idea of both parties having something to wear as a representation of their commitment.
That said, it sounds like you need to talk with your partner about how you handle money together because you are feeling uncomfortable with the very strict 50/50 split. If you can’t afford a Rolex, I would find a more inexpensive watch and an inexpensive engagement ring so that they will both fit into your budget.
Money is the biggest reason for divorce so this is something you need to discuss asap.
I’m suprised that you’ve never had a conversation about finance considering you are talking about engagement. Me and my SO discussed finances after about 6 months. We never did 50/50 we just took turns and it probably worked out around equal but neither of us wanted to behave like roommates. I’ve seen couples that nickel and dime like that and it never seems to pan out as they are both looking out for number one.
You need to think about how you split living costs, holidays, costs of having a kid. What would happen if one of you was unemployed or stayed home with kids. Are you going to have combined finances? Do you have the same goals for saving?
If you are a feminist I would have thought you’d like the idea of exchanging engagement gifts rather than just the ring for you (partly because of the traditional reasons for said ring). I think if he wants a watch that you should honour that in the same way that he is honouring the fact that you want a ring. Decide on a budget that you will both stick to and go with that.
I think him indicating that he’d like one is okay, but stipulating a Rolex makes me uncomfortable, particularly given the background you’ve provided about his narcissistic traits. An insistence on ‘fair shares” at all times is ungenerous and will grate over time.
Can you discuss this with him? Make sure he knows it’s not about you grudging him the watch, but about wider concerns. I’d buy him the watch but insist on the discussion. What sort of conversations have you had about the engagement ring? Does he think you should both sped the same amount?
I think enough has be said regarding the fact you two really need to discuss how you want to share your finances and how to deal with what-if scenarios.
If you decide that you want to get him a Rolex, have you thought about buying it from somewhere like Tradesy? I would match the price roughly to what he spent on your ring and you can get a used Rolex from around $2000. (Disclaimer: I personally wouldn’t spend that much on a ring but I am in the UK and it seems American bees spend a little more).
Could it be that he only acted like a dick because he got overexcited for the engagement and thought/hoped you would get him a watch? It is a common thing to do in Europe so to me at least, that expectation would not have been completely out of the blue.
I see nothing wrong with an engagement watch. Why shouldn’t a man also want a symbol of his engagement? Because it’s not traditional? F that. I am not into keeping things traditional just because they were traditional. There is a lot of very archaic, sexist, thinking behind what is “traditional”. I hope if someone wants to keep things traditional they are showing up with a dowry for their new husband too. To demand a certain watch, when you certainly do not sound demanding of a certain ring yourself, is, however, suspect.
It it is definitely the 50/50 nickel and diming I see that is bothersome. I have a past relationship where things were like that. We lived together for years and he still had that nickel and diming approach. It was pretty reflective of how he saw our partnership and future together, and there is a good reason he is an ex. The “what’s yours is yours, and what’s mine is mine” thing creeping in here is concerning and can be very toxic over the long run.
But, I don’t agree with some of the archaic (to me) views in this thread that marriages work best when the man sees himself as “the financial provider” and the women contributes in “other ways” ways like raising children. EVERY individual and EVERY couple can determine what works best for them, and that may be very different and be very successful for that couple. I know very happy marriages where the husband is a stay at home dad, and the wife goes to work and brings in the sole income. It does not make a marriage less successful to not follow a traditional format.
Things can also change over the course of a relationship. Flexibility is important. When we started dating, my husband made more as I was back in school. But, we did take turns treating each other when we went on dates and such. He treated more often, but we did not sit there and split every bill and so on in half. Then he took early retirement from the military and my salary was about double his. When we moved in together we shared things proportionally. Once we were engaged, we just shared bank accounts and everything went in and out of there, ultimately proportionally. I now make about 5x more than my husband. That does not mean he works less hard, he works hard to keep our business going. He works hard at another job as well as our business is new. He works far more hours in a day than I do most days. I just happen to be in a line of work where a higher income is normal. Our attitude is? However the income gets there, it is OURS to share and use. We both have free access to all the income wherever it came from. We both provide for our marriage. We both provide for each other. We both provide for ourselves. We are equals, through and through. We don’t sit there and determine who put what money in and who should pay for what proportion. I would be miserable in a marriage where my husband puffed his chest around as the “financial provider” and my contribution was housework, and if I “had to work or wanted to work” my income was just see an an afterthought. And no way would I happy with a partner who thought his financial contribution meant he got out of contributing in non-financial ways.
You two need to talk about your financial relationship, including expectations and goals before you take another step about planning for an engagement or marriage. Because right now, you two sound very financially separate and I think long run there is going to be a lot of resentment and hardship. What if one of you gets sick or injured and can’t work? What if one of you takes time off to stay at home with children (if you plan to have them)? What if one of you makes significantly more than the other? Are you still going to be going out for dinner and having him calculate everything 50/50?
My DP is spending alot on a ring for me and i wanted to commemorate it for him as i didnt want it to all be about me!! So i have bought him a gorgeous Hugo Boss watch that ive hidden for when he does propose, so he can wear that as an engagement gift. He never ever suggested or asked for it though so will be a nice surprise.
I can’t thank you all enough for your responses. After reading all of the comments, i couldn’t wait to talk to him so we had the conversation last night. It started off rocky, but ended great. Turns out he was joking about the Rolex as he said he doesn’t think it’s reasonable to spend that much money on a watch at this point in our lives. He apologized and admits he shouldn’t have made the comment (because he seemed pretty serious to me!) i also brought up all the points about finances that you all made. We hadnt discussed future finances yet, so i just barreled in. He’s fortunate enough to have no student loans so when we get a house after we’re engaged (currently living rent free in one of his parents rentals), he’s willing to do a 60/40 or 70/30 split for household expenses as i have a hefty amt of student debt. And we also discussed the engagement watch which I told him I was happy to get! He even said “I don’t thing anything very expensive is necesary I just like the idea” WHEW! And i told him if he spends more than $4K on a ring he’s crazy lol I do not like flashy things for myself! Then he said once were married we’ll combine finances and just go from there. I am SO RELIEVED! And he said he will start treating me more often after I mentioned some of the concepts you all said about “tit for tat” etc. and not splitting 50/50. He said he didn’t realize the message it was sending and that wasn’t his intention. Crisis averted!
Kind of like,
You: “Let’s look at rings for a future proposal”
Him: “hahaha yeah and let’s buy me a Rolex while we’re at it!” …… “JK, talking about engagement rings just reminded me of frivilous jewelry and unreasonable spending”.
The topic ‘SO suggested engagement watch’ is closed to new replies.