(Closed) SO tells me… You’re the most unhappy person I’ve ever met

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010


We’ve been together for almost 2 years. We have so many common interests, he’s thoughtful, sincere, and most of all honest and totally unselfish. We have the same life goals and values and our views on raising children are totally on the same page.

These things you said here are wonderful, however, they don’t make someone perfect for you. This doesn’t mean he will make you happy just because he has some of the traits you are looking for. I think you already know what this isn’t working for you. This will be a tough decision either way and I wish you luck. *hugs*

Post # 4
3942 posts
Honey bee

Have you thought about couples counseling? Or if he won’t go, counseling for yourself? There seems to be a lot of things going on that need work.

Post # 5
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just because you are practical and worry about how you’re going to live for the next two weeks while he’s drinking away your money at the bar does not mean you are unhappy and negative.  Someone has to worry about that kind of stuff!

Him making a gross, general statement like that is not fair.  Just because you may not be AS happy and go-lucky as him does not make you the total opposite.

Now that you’ve admitted, however, that you are unhappy about some stuff, you need to try really hard to find out what those things are.  You can’t really work on being happy unless you know what’s making you so sad.

๐Ÿ™ Hugs to you.

Post # 6
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this!  I am reading a book right now called ScreamFree Marriage and it talks about these types of cycles where he stays out late, you complain, causing him to stay out more.  It sounds like you might be dealing with a little bit of depression as well, saying you are generally not happy.  I have been there, so PM if you need anything.  I also think the separate accounts thing was a bit of an overreaction, although I probably would have done the same thing.  He probably didn’t realize what the circumstances were.  Everybody goes through phases where things aren’t perfect and if you think you’re meant to be together, keep working at it.  Maybe you should have one of those hard conversations about how each of you are feeling and just lay it out, no consequences and no grudges held.  Then, you can figure out where to go from there.

Post # 7
10849 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You sound like you have exactly the same relationship one of my close friends just got out of. Her SO always put his friends ahead of her, would cancel on her at the last minute because he got a better offer from one of his boys, would tell her how negative she is (although she really kind of is… I can’t blame him there), lied about where he was, etc. It was terrible. She stayed though because he was good on paper: Good job, house, nice car, money in the bank. But here’s what I told her: Just because someone is good on paper, does that make them good for your heart? What are you getting out of this at this point? The guy was a compulsive liar and treated her like she was at the bottom tier of his priorities, what in the world is there worth sticking around for?

When it came down to it, she was scared of starting over at 30. She didn’t want to enter the dating scene again. She felt like she didn’t have many friends and the ones she does have are married or in serious relationships, she felt like she was on the outside. BUT it’s not like being in a relationship with this guy put her on the “inside”. He was only interested in her accomodating to his life and his needs, not vice versa. They dated for nearly two years and the only time I met him was at my wedding despite being invited to our house at least a dozen times for dinner, parties, etc.

At some point you have to put your happiness first. If there are more bad days then good then I think you need to carefully assess the situation. Have you two talked about going to counselling? It sounds like you have different perspectives on expectations of time spent together, managing money, etc.

Post # 8
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

hmm. You’re not going to want to hear this, but I’d leave. It sounds like he’s not invested, and it sounds like he’s putting you down. You may think you’re perfect, but, mostly healthy relationships don’t include people calling you miserable.

Post # 9
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Have you always been like this or is it him? I’ve read articles sometimes about how most people have kind of a baseline level of happiness that stays with them regardless of most of what happens to them– and I feel like I see that in a lot of my friends. 

I’m a generally happy person regardless of what is happening in my life (I’m still happy even if i’m unhappy about a THING in my life). My husband is kind of not. He tends to be more melancholy. It’s just who he is and it doesn’t mean he isn’t happy about us or about our life but he has a yearning soul I feel like where he’s always wanting where-as my baseline is contentment. 

Therapy might be a good idea (for you or for you both) but I don’t think that you have to be “rainbows and sunshine” to be a good person or be love-able. 

Post # 11
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Mostly I would be concerned that he is saying these types of things to you and picking these little arguments and then not coming home after work at least four nights a week. Do you know where he goes?

Post # 12
82 posts
Worker bee

Unfortunately, the truth always hurts ๐Ÿ™  Being around unhappy, negative people will and does drive other people away. Perhaps you are giving off a bad vibe lately and he is going out to “stay” away from it, as it becomes more and more difficult to come home after a long day of work to someone that is not up beat, happy, positive. I’ve been there, not only in relationships with men, but family also.  And than there are just Debbie Downers of the world, who just are not happy regardless (if it’s sunny and 60, that person says,but only if it were sunny and 70) .

Could you be in a winter funk ? A lot of people go thru that and now that spring is upon us, perhaps your mood will naturally be enlightened. Have you examanined yourself and agree with what he’s saying ? If so, than you need to find things to be positve about. Make a list of happy / sad, like a pros/ cons list.

It sounds like you are berating yourself some by feeling he puts his friends on the same level as you. Does he really, truly do things to make you feel that way, or is it a thought of how you make yourself feel ?  Do you work, get out, see friends of your own besides coffee w/ your brother ? Maybe you need to get more active in life itself and not be waiting on him to make your life happy. I think if you make some minor changes in a daily routine, do some things that make you happy, you may find a simply solution. Once you start getting active, having some fun things that you own and belong to you, it might just bounce off of you and he will notice the difference and you two will fall back into a happy place with each other ๐Ÿ™‚

Be strong, have faith and be good to yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 13
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I do hate to tell you this as well but, IMO, it doesn’t sound like this is going in a healthy direction. And, if I were in your shoes I would probably be a little concerned about all the nights out. From what you have said, it sounds like there is probably someone better suited for you out there. I’d probably leave. Good Luck!

Post # 14
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

is it you or him; is he spending time with friends because you are unhappy? or is he the problem; sounds like you need a heart to heart so you dont waste more time wondering

Post # 16
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

TBH, as a generally happy person (I’ve been described as rainbows and sunshine too :)), it can be frustrating to hang out with my friends who are a little more… melancholy. It’s hard when you have such opposing views on life that the relationship can start to wear on you. Maybe you do this already, but do you take time to really tell him what about him/your life together/life in general makes you truly happy? Not saying he’s right, just that I know when I am close and comfortable with someone, I can get in a rut of using them only to complain about things and forget to show them how much I really appreciate them and how happy they make me.

That said – His actions are not excusable at all, you should be #1 in his life for sure. That statement is pretty harsh. Plus, I think he sounds kind of shady with the disappearing after work every night…

I hope your situation gets better!

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