- 9 years ago
I have a feeling you guys don’t spend quality time together and the reason is lately he doesn’t want to and the reason he doesn’t want to is because you somehow make it not fun to be around you.
There’s got to be a fix for that. Maybe you could look into some counselling. Maybe you could dig a little deeper as to why you’re unhappy and down all the time. Maybe instead of thinking about how bad things are take a look at the bright side?
I’d bet a lot of his reasoning that he goes out with this friends and stuff is related to him having more fun, and being in a more positive state around his friends than how he’s feeling with you.
It’s up to you to make a change in yourself. And from there he might be more gravitated towards you. Now you don’t have to be little miss sunshine, just don’t be such a downer. And make a concious effort to say something nice to him, and about your day and smile.
I wouldn’t say this based on this post and this fight alone, but based on other things I’ve seen you post about your situation, I think you need to get rid of him before you get stuck with him. You’re unhappy, you’re being the adult, cleaning up after him, doing everything he asks of you and getting nothing in return. He’s not putting you first, he’s calling his mom in the middle of fights, getting someone to take care of the dogs while he goes out to the bar… None of this makes him a terrible person, but it makes him someone who is not committed to your happiness, and then complains about your mood.
You are putting him first, but he is not putting you first. You deserve better than that.
If you feel generally unhappy for no reason, or have difficulty going for long periods without experiencing anxiety it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist.
Do it for you, though, not him. Your happiness is important for its own sake, not because your failure to be sufficiently cheerful makes someone else uncomfortable.
Honestly, based on your previous posts I’d find it difficult to be perky on any kind of consistent basis. You’re basically living with a teenager, which would drive anyone crazy.
p.s. it does sound like there are other issues you two maybe need to work out… my point was just that not everyone has to be perky to be normal 🙂
Him telling you that you’re the unhappiest person he knows was wrong, and probably in mean spirits (the fact that he said it in a serious tone was probably meant to be manipulative- like, hey, you can’t get mad at me for saying this because I’m not angry, I’m serious). He made a hurtul comment disguised as a calm reflection. When someone you love is having a hard time and possibly suffering from a bit of depression, your reaction should be concern, not accusatory. Did he ask if there was anything he could do to help you feel better? Any positive encouragement? No, he can’t be responsible for your happiness, but it seems like he doesn’t care to help.
From what I can tell it seems like in your relationship you are the one with all the responsibility. You’re the one who has to worry about money, and taking care of the dogs and make sure everything is done. It almost sounds like you have to take care of him like you’re his mother. I say that because I feel that way about my Fiance someitmes. His parents did not teach him responsibility with money, nor did they make him clean up after himself. So when he moved in with me he acted like a teenager (btw, he moved in with me when he was 30, he lived at home till he moved here with me). His parents did EVERYTHING for him. And he had no concept of real life responsibitiy and worries. So, yeah, sometimes i do feel like the negative one, but i’m also the more ADULT one. I have to worry if all the bills are getting paid on time, I have to worry about their being enough money for gas for the rest of the week, etc..
I was so over all that after two months. I started giving him lists of things to do in his evenings off, and his days off (while i was at work). And that took a big stressful burden off me, as well as taught him responsibility. I’m a much happier person now, and i don’t feel so “naggy.” Some people need more direction than others. I found that if I tell Fiance to do XY and Z before i get home, it gets done. But if i don’t tell him, he won’t do a darn thing. Thats the next hurdle I have to tackle: getting him to do things on his own without being told.
So… I was on my home from work yesterday and after reading all of your comments, I decided.. you know what? I’m going to be HAPPY tonight. Nothing in the world can upset me, I am just going to be plain happy and not complain, feel hurt or upset.. nothing. And I did. And it was wonderful! We laughed and had a great evening together. He was a lot more affectionate than usual, which I love. So now if I could just do that everyday…..
I think you really need to figure out if this is just a tough time, or the norm. We go through periods of time in our relationship where stress levels are high and it’s tough to cope. Sometimes we take it out on each other, but it never lasts long and we always apologize. If you’re both unhappy all the time, I think you need to look at why. If counseling is not in the cards, why not spend some time just committing to fun and free “dates” where you set some ground rules – like not talking about money? That should give you an idea of whether you really still click as a couple. I would trust your gut in a situation like this. Unfortunately reading it over the internet just isn’t the same as living it, you know?
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