- 5 years ago
Warning: this will be long…
I went anon for this one. I don’t even know where to start. I am engaged and also have a son with the man I’m engaged to. I haven’t had a lot of dating experience. I basically had one other boyfriend before meeting my now fiancé.
Well Lets start from the beginning. I’m going to call first boyfriend J. J and I started dating during the summer in between my junior and senior year of high school. We spent the whole summer together having a blast! It was me and my best friend and him and his best friend and we would all just have sooo much fun together! Well at the end of the summer J was leaving to go to basic training, but we decided we’d try it out. Well It was amazing! Since we couldn’t talk on the phone we wrote each other letters every day. I feel like I got to know him so intimately through letters. I don’t know about anyone else, but I know I can say sooo much more through a letter than I could actually say to anyone. Anyway while he was gone, I obviously had my own life too. I feel like I fit into about every group there was in high school, so I had a lot of friends. I had one really close girl friend,but a lot of my close friends were boys. I became extremely close to J’s best friend that my best friend was kind of seeing and J’s younger brother who was my age. We would spend all our time together just the four of us. No, don’t worry I didn’t fall for his younger brother.
Well J and I broke up and it was the dumbest break up ever! one of a not so close girl friend and I were hanging out with another guy friend of ours who J just so happened to hate. So he dumped me. I was heartbroken, not only did my boyfriend break up with me but all of my best friends were his best friends first. Luckily they still stayed best friends with me. J and I even hung out together sometimes with them. We were both over the hard feelings of our break up, but at the same time he was gone at basic training when we broke up so we never really had closure. We’d make out all the time while hanging out with mutual friends. He eventually got a new girlfriend and that sucked too, but I was leaving for college so I tried not to care. J and his girlfriend didn’t last long, but I was at college meeting new people and even though I still loved J I wasn’t sure that we were supposed to be together. He was the only boy I ever dated. I wanted to see what else was out there.
Well then I met K. He was amazing funny spontaneous and I really felt drawn to him. We began hooking up, which was crazy because K ended up being my first after only a few weeks of knowing him. I don’t know what it was about him that made me trust him so much. We would stay up all night just talking about anything we could think of. Before K and I became official I still spent time with J when I would go home for breaks.
Then after my first year of college my father and his wife separated, so all of my actual family moved back to California where all our other family was. Well I wasn’t quite ready to give up on Mine and K’s relationship, so i stayed behind and continued to attend the same college.
K and I began to have a really rocky relationship. He seemed not to really care about me. He would spend days playing video games and not going to classes, and eventually he was put on academic suspension and was told he could not attend university for at least one year. Well He had no job no place to live since he couldn’t live in the dorms and I let him convince me to move to his hometown a few hours away with him. So I quit college and we moved. Looking back I feel like this was the dumbest thing I did. It makes no sense, but I feel like because I had no family and I chose to stay that I would have nowhere to go.
K was a really crappy boyfriend for a really long time. He would stay up all night drinking with his high school friends, he didn’t have a job, he would sit around playing video games all day instead of looking for a job. It was frustrating, and cause a lot of fights. We began to resent each other. He started talking to old girlfriends that still lived in the area, and began having a lot of “guys nights” while I sat in our apartment in a town where I knew no one except the much older women I worked with. Yes, I know his “guy nights” were him hooking up with ex-girlfriends. He cheated on me three times with a girl that he dated in high school for three years. Eventually, we both knew we could not keep living like that. So we had a long discussion and began to work things out. He got a job, he stopped having people over all hours of the night, and he blocked the numbers of his ex-girlfriends, and let me see his phone if I wanted to. We were doing great, and I believed he had made an amazing change. About a year later, we found out I was pregnant.
We were definitely scared of being parents at 19 years old, but we were excited at the same time! Our relationship seemed pretty good the whole pregnancy, and after our son was born we were the happiest we’d ever been. We were both so in love with each other and that little boy. K even asked me to marry him a month after our son was born. But the stress of being a parent, especially young broke parents really started to take its toll, and I would find him turning to his video games instead of helping with the baby. I began to get very frustrated. He would expect me to have the house clean, laundry done, dinner ready, baby in bed by the time he got home from work, and would even sometimes call me names when things weren’t done to his liking. This is when I did something bad.
I had always kept J on my facebook friends list, and I saw one day that he was online. I began to facebook chat. At first it was just “Hey, how’s your life” just catching up stuff. Then it turned into me asking “do you ever miss what we had?” He said he did, and he thought about me all the time. He said he wished he had never broken up with me. He knew I had a son because people in my home town of course talked about it. He said he was happy for me. He asked how things with K were going. I told him everything! I told him about the name calling, and the ignoring me to play games. He said I didn’t deserve that and if I moved back he would show me how I deserved to be treated. We talked for two months without K knowing. When K would go to work J would call, and we would talk all night! I felt like I was back in our perfect relationship that summer before he left. I wanted him back, the relationship back. The best part, He LOVES kids. He said he didn’t care that my son was not his. He said he would never treat a step child any different from his own. (I know he loves kids because I had to babysit my nephew a lot that summer he and I dated and he was amazing with him) Well K eventually found out that J and I were talking, and he apologized, begged me to stop talking to J, and even sold his video game stuff. He said he didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until he found out I was talking to J.
K and I went on a really long walk the night he found out. We talked about why I felt I turned to J. I said it was because he made me feel wanted, when I felt like nothing. He promised he’d make it up to me, treat me better, and all that. I was extremely confused. So I stopped talking to J to try to sort out what I was feeling. I don’t think the only reason I ran to J was because I wanted to feel the way I did when I was with him. I love him. I have real feelings for him. He was my first love and I’ll always care about him for the rest of my life. K and I have a child together though and I never wanted my son to grow up in a broken home. I do love K I really do. But I feel that it doesn’t compare to how I feel when I think about J.
Its been a while since everything happened. Our son is now almost 2. I haven’t planned our wedding. Things always come up and we have to pick a different day, but I am never too disappointed about it. I’m only almost 22. I feel like I’m scared to get married because I only want to do it once, and I don’t want to feel stuck because of that. I want to know how people stay married for 50+ years. I don’t even feel excited coming home to FI and we’ve only been together for 3 years. I feel like I’m a terrible person to be thinking about another man when I already have a child with a different man. I feel like I’ll be letting my son down if I don’t stay with K. But I still think about J all the time. I haven’t spoken to him since K found out about everything, but I still talk to J’s brother almost daily, but we hardly talk about J. It’s J’s birthday, so of course I’m thinking about him today.