Post # 1
I am really not being materialistist, I am more upset that my SO lied to me.
A little background, my husband and I got engaged and married quite quickly, we discussed getting about a 1ct solitaire, but in the timeframe we were not able to find a setting that either of us were happy with. We decided that he would proposed with a eternity band (which we would have bought eventually) and that we would keep looking for a solitaire.
Well we got married and he changed his mind… My SO has been avoiding the topic since we got married 9 months ago, and he has told me that he thinks it is a waste of money to purchase another ring. I certinanly didn’t need a massive diamond to marry him, I was so excited and proud to be his wife! But I am quite hurt that he has changed his mind as this was something that we discussed in depth and agreed on as a couple. It is not a finance issue, we have a very decent amount of savings and we make around $150,000k a year.
What really hurts is that my husband also builds his own computers (he has multiple, not job related). His current computer, which will be outdated and in the garbage in 2 years, cost us $5000. I may be a terrible person for saying this but it cost more than my engagement ring. I feel really uncomfortable about complaining about this, but I really don’t wear alot of jewellery and I always imagined that my engagement ring would be one of the few pieces that I would ever wear. This was important to me and I feel like he lied to me.
More of a vent/rant than question, but input would be nice.
Post # 2
It’s unfair that he would change his mind through the process. Could he be frustrated that it’s so hard to find the right e-ring? I wonder what the underlying issue is. On the flip side, is it even an engagement ring anymore since you are already married?
Post # 3
if he has the means and this was the agreement, you have ever right to be upset. It’s not materialistic to want an e ring.
You need to sit him down and let him know that you hope agreements will be honored throughout your marriage, otherwise, what the heck do you bother planning together for?
Personally I find his unilateral decision making on this matter off putting.
Post # 4
I assume you are both pulling an income. Why don’t you go buy yourself a ring? You’re a married couple. Surely you can reach a compromise?
Post # 5
Why does he rule your income?
Sounds like he knew once the eternity band was purchased he wouldn’t fork out for an engagement ring. You married him so now he doesn’t have to bother. Douche move.
I’d tell him it’s not up for discussion and buy it.
Post # 6
Not really an engagement ring at this point, just a pretty piece of jewelry! I have really tried not to push him too much so we have only spent about 3 hours looking at rings, in stores and online Over the last year. I will drop it into conversation and he just nods his head and changes the topic.
Post # 7
I just want to clarify a couple of things.
(1) Both of you are entitled to your own opinions–and they CAN change. Every conversation and decisions, unless it’s already passed, can change. It is his given right that he can change his opinion, and it is your right to disagree with his opinion. This is why you compromise again. Part of life, part of marriage.
(2) Rings are not economical. You think his computers are excessive, but they served him a purpose which is probably for work and personal use. His computer, although obsolete in 2 years, will have given output productivity value. On the other hand, your ring is a depreciating asset which loses half it’s actual value the moment the refund window passes. It would serve no output productivity value, as it sits on your finger and does not contribute to your work whatsoever. Economically speaking, your ring will be depreciated faster than the obsolescence of his computer.
(3) Buy your own. If he buys his computer with your shared account, then buy your ring with your shared account. This is why I believe in personal spending accounts, with only shared account for shared expense. This way, you can save up on your personal account for a ring you want instead of having to plead your case with your husband to get money out of the shared household account for your ring. You want your ring, you buy it. He wants his computer, he buys it. There has to be a separation in shopping savings so that NO ONE will be made to feel that their hobbies/wants are “bad” for the household.
Post # 8
The eternity band was the a compromise, it feels like he is expecting that I will make another compromise. I made this way too easy for him.
Post # 9
why is he making this decision unilatetally? I’d buy it myself. Does he ask your permission before making a new expensive computer ? I bet not.
Post # 10
Haha this guy pulled a douche move…
I’d just go buy me a beautiful solitare and bring it home and be like look what I got today honey….
Post # 12
We have shared accounts and run large purchases past each other. It is not so much asking permission, just informing the other person that they are making a large purchase out of our joint account.
Post # 13
If an engagement ring is what you want and will make you happy and the two of you all ready agreed to get and engagement ring for you then I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to make you happy. If I were you I’d be very hurt by this I don’t care if he thinks it’s a waste of money or it isn’t valuable etc if it is what you really want he should get one for you. So what if he doesn’t understand he should want to make you happy. He spends thousands on computers and probably will for a very long time I don’t see the big deal in spending a few thousand to make his wife happy. That is just my opinion.
Post # 14
What is it then? Is the man not supposed to have an opinion about rings now?
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2018 - Pantagis Renaissance
I understand where he is coming from, and I understand why you’re upset. Just buy the ring yourself. Let him know ahead of time you’re doing it, since you said you typically tell each other of larger purchases, then do it.