(Closed) SO thinks engagement ring is a waste of money

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 16
Member
535 posts
Busy bee

Yup, another vote to tell DH that you’ll be buying your ring from the joint account. Dont ask him. Inform him.

Post # 17
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

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Aus_Bee:  What is his response when you tell him his computer will soon be out of date and that it could also be considered a waste of money?

Post # 18
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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swirlyclover86:  I disagree completely with your assessment of ring vs computer. While yes an engagement ring doesn’t have any output value it is an item that the op intends to wear every day for the rest of her life – that right there is a great deal of life/use. this item could perhaps then be passed on to children/grandchildren as an heirloom piece – furthering it’s use.

There is very little left of my grandma, bar memories, but I can tell you exactly where/ who has her engagement and wedding ring. there is very little else I could say this about! So while those rings may not have had the same practicalities as the latest gadget of the time they have gone on to be greatly used and adored. This to me is far more valuable, than the output of a personal use computer that I intend to keep for 2 years. Clearly the OP feels the same way

Post # 19
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I completely get where you are coming from – not only had he backtracked on something you thought you had agreed and that was important to you, but he is also dismissing entirely the notion that something he doesn’t “approve” of could be important to you.

Add to that, my SO is a gaming addict, and when we started seriously discussing getting engaged and looking at rings, you know what he said? “I could get a whole new gaming rig for less than these!”. That hurt, and I let him know that. I told him I understood that gaming was HIS interest, but my engagement ring was important to me. Working it out on a yearly basis for the rest of my life, the ring costs very little. His gaming rig, however, is updated every four years. It put it into perspective. I guess with my guy, the difference wasn’t that he was opposed to spending the money on my ring, it was that in his universe, that sum of money could purchase something he saved long and hard for. 

I really feel for you. Time for a serious “this is my engagement ring and we are going to purchase it” chat, I think!

Post # 20
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

 

Ok…so I kind of have the same problem. Sort of. Some men don’t see the use of buying a diamond ring. My fiance wasnt interested in getting a diamond ring. We still got a diamond ring and he didnt mind getting it for me, he just isnt as excited about them as I am.

So i modestly chose a very affordable diamond ring with small stones rather than a big one because I too didnt care to be too materialistic or make a big deal about it

I have had discussions about diamonds with him and he is basically disgusted with the consumerism of diamonds and the whole “diamonds are actually worthless rocks and they take advantage of people” talk. So I get it. He doesnt see the ring as we see it. Theyre men, and not only men but other people. People value things very differently, and it’s hard for them to see it the way we see it sometimes. He even had a discussion about how weddings in general cost 10 times more than normal parties because of the term “wedding”, after I spoke about average wedding dress cost. Which he is totally right, but… I told him “so does that mean you want to get me a $20 wedding dress from forever21? Thats when he said no and saw my point lol (he pays for my dress)

Now, that being said, he still isnt being fair for promising it beforehand and then changing his mind :/ 
It’s not very nice. I can tell he just doesnt see it the way you do and it’s hard to express how you feel about it without sounding too materialistic. But as the other bees said, maybe pay for it yourself? Consult him about that. Or maybe he would get it as an anniversary gift 

Post # 21
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

 

Just as 

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writersblock:  said. They compare that kind of money to what they feel is more worth it in their world. To them, theyre paying $3000+ on a something that fits in the palm of a hand and does nothing. It’s just their persepective

Post # 22
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider

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Aus_Bee:  you work, too – right? if you’re a housewife, I think you are a little stuck “asking permission”, but as long as you’re drawing your own salary and the household bills get paid, I’d just set aside a little from each paycheck until you have enough to buy the ring you want yourself.

if he huffs and puffs, point at the computer that’s going in the trash, and tell him that the ring you’re getting is supposed to 1) be on your finger forever, and 2) is being paid for with YOUR money. if he can’t get behind those two things, then I don’t know what his problem is.

good luck!

Post # 23
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

Is it the cost that is the problem or the fact a diamond is not ‘useful’ or the amount of time you’ve already spent looking for the ring or the amount of time you are going to spend looking for the ring?  

Is it that you already have an engagement ring and so a new ring wouldn’t be as special?  If so, why not ask for the ring not as an engagement ring but as a birthday present for a birthday number ending in zero or a wedding aniversary ending in five or zero?

This should give you more time to choose a setting.  Don’t discard the eternity style engagement ring but make sure you wear it too.

If your husband isn’t a shopper then do your research and narrow your choices down to two or three designs and let your husband choose his favourite.

 

Post # 24
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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Aus_Bee:  For me this isn’t about materialism, it’s about him changing the goalposts after the fact and seemingly thinking you’ll be okay with it. It’s not an ‘engagement’ ring, but it is a pre-agreed purchase especially for you. It’s okay for him to be thinking it’s not worth it anymore, but it’s not okay for him to change the goalposts without talking to you about it! Unless there’s some unknown reason as to why he thinks it’s no longer worth buying/affordable then I’d sit him down and have a serious conversation about it. That’s not ‘pushing’ him, that’s having a conversation as married couples do. Good luck with him.

Post # 25
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I agree with buying a ring yourself. does your husband ask you every time he drops 5k on computer equipment? If the answer is no then take a trip to the jewelry store and buy a ring. When he notices it on your hand and makes a stink about it just say “Unlike computers, diamonds are forever…isn’t it lovely?”

Post # 26
Member
1930 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think some things just MUST be done in sequence. To try and fit it in to your specific lifestyle seems like a good idea at the time, in retrospect? You were engagaded for a nanosecond by the sounds of it which is cool, but you skipped the fiance stage. The ER stage. An ER seems silly to me as well. Do it right the first time or don’t do it, that’s my motto. Make the time when you were engaged, order a ring, travel to find a ring, whatever. But a delated e ring is more about the missing of the engagement process (I think) thant he actual ring.

That being said, you may not be a fiance, but you are a wife, lol. His money is your money. If it’s that important to you and since it WAS discussed as a plan before – the plan just changed – I’d go out and buy myself a ring, ;).

Post # 27
Member
1930 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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howdoyoudo:  I don’t get this approach. Things can change. My Fiance could tell me he was going to buy a sportscar, but if I could pregnant would I still expect a sports car? No. Bring on the Volvo, lol.

I think he’s being punished unfairly for the fact that his outlook on the approach changed. I don’t think it makes him insensitie or cheap, he just doesn’t “get” why she’d need an engagement ring. THey’re not engaged, lol.

 

Post # 28
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - The Burgundy Basin

I had a similar situation.. My Fiance was having doubts about whether I needed a ring for him to propose and I put it to him this way: I felt like he cared more and was willing to put money into something (in my case, his cars) than into the person that he was going to marry. It isn’t so much that I wanted an expensive ring but that I wanted him to show that commitment and that sacrifice of spending the money on something to make me feel special and loved instead of putting it into one of his hobbies.

Post # 29
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe he still regards this as an ering, in which case I understand. You are married, no point in buying an ering now. 

id say get your own too, if it’s coming from joint money but knowing that he doesn’t see the value in it, and had expressed so, I would still talk to him about it. You don’t want to lose his trust financially and you did say thah you guys usually do talk about this stuff. I assume a computer is much cheaper than a 1ct diamond ring though so I suggest not using that as an example if you want to sway him 🙂

Post # 30
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Maui

I don’t really think you can call it an engagement ring anymore, since you are already married. However, I think it’s fine if you tell him you want an anniversary ring. Or maybe a really nice birthday or Christmas present? It’s probably hard for him to understand why you want an engagement ring when he feels he has already given you one, so he might be more accepting if you put it that way. This is what I am planning on doing since I was engaged without a ring and just wear my wedding ring now that we’re married. You could also buy the ring yourself as others have suggested.

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