(Closed) SO thinks engagement ring is a waste of money

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 31
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

I’m sorry to hear about this situation. I would feel put out, too. I’d also want to buy my own to rectify things, but, ime, it won’t “feel” like an e-ring symbol, it will just look like one. And, to me, there is a difference.

Personally? I can’t think of a better basis FOR getting a stand-in ring. 😉

So why not look for a stand in (or two)? Berricle gets good reviews, although I’ve never purchased from them. Or find a nice gemstone ring and that can be your first anniversary present to yourself. An “I still do” ring. 

Either way, you are right to think that agreements made should be kept. Life happens, though, so, who knows why he’s unmotivated about this? I’d ask him again, especially as our 1yr anniversary approaches and an “I still do” ring could make for a good present.

By The Way, your post sounded like you never got the eternity band, either. What are you wearing for your marital bling? (Just curious.)

 

 

Post # 32
Member
8602 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

  

View original reply
Str8bunz:  Agreed! 

“take a trip to the jewelry store and buy a ring. When he notices it on your hand and makes a stink about it just say “Unlike computers, diamonds are forever…isn’t it lovely?”

ETA: on second thought this is pretty immature, dont actually do it! ha. Figure out a comprimise, like waiting and saving XXX a month to make a XXXX budget by this anniversary. 

Post # 33
Member
12261 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow, as much as I agree that you should be able to have this ring that was promised you, I completely disagree that you should just go and buy it from joint funds if large purchases are typically discussed and agreed on prior to making them.  I would not deny my husband a purchase if it meant that much to him (though I may offer resistance for a while) but I would be livid if he went and dropped 5k+ without my  support if I were totally against the purchase.  We can usually tell when the other really wants something cause we’re typcially very frugal day to day so when we’re finally willing to spend the money, the other knows how much it really means and will go along with it.  It sounds like your husband is just being really selffish just because HE doesnt see the value in it.  My husband certainly doesnt see the value in designer handbags, which I lust over a lot.  But when I finally say, ok… it’s been a few years, I really really, like reeeeeeaallly want this bag for upwards of 2k, he agrees, but in the same breath will tell me that a plastic grocery bag would serve the same function.  If he understands how much this means to you, and you guys can easily afford it… then he’s just not caring about your wants and being selffish imo.  What if you told him, this is what we agreed on, a 1 ct ring.. I found *this one* that I love and it’s $xxx.  This is the one I’m going to go buy.  What would he say?  Can he forbid it?

Post # 34
Member
8602 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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pinkshoes:  lol agreed actually! I just clicked back to say… on second thought not so much on stomping out to the nearest jeweler.

Post # 35
Member
2953 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Aus_Bee:  I hope you get the piece of jewelry you really want. It sounds to me like he needs to make good on the agreement vice you compromising yet again.

Post # 36
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, it is not okay for him to make a promise and then backtrack after the fact. It is not about consumerism, it is about being sincere, trustworthy and keeping his word. You should bring it up, tell him if he can’t be a man of his word about something that means a great deal to you, how are you supposed to count on his word in the future? Any man with a sense of dignity will see the duplicity in his actions vs his words.

Furthermore, if he continues to argue for the sake of money, don’t be afraid to point out, “hey, you spend 5k on a computer equipment and throw it out two months later… I’m asking you to spend 3k (or however much your ring is) on something I will keep and treasure forever and pass down to our children.” Not to mention, as computers age their value diminishes, so long as the market is good a diamond’s value remains constant (or goes up, depending on the setting and demand for you ring).

Post # 37
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I know some PPs are stating that his computer serves a function but a 5k computer is excessive and more than anyone needs. My fiance works from home and requires a really good computer and he upgrades it every few years (and sells the old one) and he still spends only around $2500 or so on it. So if he can decide he needs a $5000 computer just because he wants extra features or its for his hobby, then I really don’t think he has a right to say that a ring for you is a waste of money, since its a once in a lifetime purchase that you will keep forever.

Post # 38
Member
2327 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
mrspereira:  Absolutely things can change. I agree that if there is a big shift in the relationship then that would rightly put luxuries such as jewellery at a lower priority. However, this doesn’t appear to be the issue unless I’ve missed something. He’s changed his mind without talking to her, which I do find off. I’ve not personally called OP’s Fiance cheap or feel he should be punished. I just am of the opinion they should talk.

I actually responded thinking about how my own DH would treat such a situation and he would not ignore a previous agreement without talking to me first. I’m not in the least bit materialistic myself, sure I like nice things but they don’t come before my husband. OP doesn’t appear to be materialistic either. They delayed the purchase of the ‘engagement’ ring because that’s what made sense at the time. They didn’t say “let’s delay this and maybe never get around to buying it because we both agree after today this purchase is pointless”.

But that’s why we ask for other’s opinions on these threads. We get different perspectives, which I for one find really useful:-).

Post # 39
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I have to disagree with those suggesting you just go out and buy yourself the ring you want — not because you need his “permission” but because a huge part of the value of an engagement ring is that he chose it for you or you picked it out together. Basically, it’s a symbol of your love for and commitment to each other. You’d lose that sentimental piece if you just buy it for yourself 

That said, I think it’s reasonable to keep talking about this and how important it actually is to you. And I agree with the suggestion for saving and aiming for buying a ring by a specific anniversary.

Post # 40
Member
3877 posts
Honey bee

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Aus_Bee:  Why don’t you pick out the ring by yourself instead of dragging him around to stores and looking at things online? And then just tell him when you’ve found the one you want. If he somehow still says no, I would make it clear that this is something that means a great deal to you, that you will purchase the ring yourself, and remind him that there are plenty of large purchases that you guys have made that are only of value to him. Essentially, take the decision out of his hands and put them in yours as respectfully as possible (even though he’s not respecting yours!).

Post # 41
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I say you bring this up again with him and if he doesn’t budge, go out and buy the ring you love. It’s unfair that he tricked you by giving the impression that you would eventually get your ring. The proposal period is a time to communicate and you will see a lot of clues about the person you are with, their ablity to compromise and let things go.

I had the opposite problem, begged and begged for a plain band but DH still got me a diamond. It was extremely frustrating. The woman wears the ring and I feel like (within reason) she should get something she will be happy to wear.

Post # 42
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
Aus_Bee:  

I have really tried not to push him too much so we have only spent about 3 hours looking at rings, in stores and online Over the last year. I will drop it into conversation and he just nods his head and changes the topic.

Oh, well there you go!

The reason he changes the subject is because you’re allowing it. 

Just keep talking and talking and talking about it like the Energizer bunny and don’t stop.

He’ll end up begging you to go to the jewelry store together just to shut you up!

Solved!

 

Post # 43
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Ugh, I have a friend in… not the same situation, but her husband couldn’t afford an engagement ring so they got married with matching gold bands. On thir 10th anniversary, when they were doing much better off, she asked for an “engagement ring” and he said that ship had sailed. 

On the one hand, you’re not engaged anymore, so that ship has indeed sailed. On the other… He broke a promise to you, which is a violation of trust. I’d make a big deal out of how this whole situation makes me distrust that he will follow through on the rest of his promises. 

I’d also argue that you need this ring to make you feel valued, loved, and important to him. I’d ask why he’d rather buy boy toys like custom computers than make you happy with this one frivolus purchase. 

Can you compromise on size and say that you’d be happy with a smaller diamond, something “less than the cost of one of your computers” that would “bring me a lifetime of enjoyment”? 

I also wouldn’t let him change the subject. That is super rude and dismissive of your feelings, and a life partner shouldn’t treat you like that.

Post # 44
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
MrsBuesleBee:  All I’m saying is that if the husband makes a decision to purchase an overpriced computer that will be obsolete in a year, why can’t OP make a decision to  purchase a ring they both previously agreed upon?  So basically the husband has the final end all say in expensive purchases? I really hope that’s not the case because that is extremely archaic…me man, me say no. F that. 

Post # 45
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I know you two agreed on a 1 carat ring, but at this point you should get 1.25.

Tell him the interest keeps going up.

The longer he makes you wait, the bigger diamond you get.

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