I read this out loud to my boyfriend and he chuckled then said “hmm, sounds like us.”
My boyfriend and I went on a cross-country trip last year and day two, my stomach got upset. Unfortunately, the bathroom was right next to the front door of our hotel room, no fan, and the windows only opened about 6 inches since we were on a higher floor. Poor boyfriend. I know how much he loves me because he’s still with me after that incident.
I was in there for like half an hour and the smell started to waft out into our hotel room. He started complaining that the smell was awful and I’m sure the neighbors down the hall would have too. He asked what was going on and I yelled through the door “I just shat a dick”. He was immediately curious, probably thinking there is no way a petite young lady could birth such a hellish demon and live to tell the tale. He sat near me until I finished, determined to see if I was human or beast. I begged him not to look, to go sit on the bed and watch tv, but he persisted; he must have thought I was joking. As I got off the toilet, he got a glimpse before I could flush the toilet. His eyes got wide, he gasped, and immediately yelled out “Baby! That’s not a dick, that’s a bat!”….as in baseball bat. He was in sheer awe and probably fear. I think the only reason he managed to grab his jaw off the floor was because he would have choked to death on the radiation.
Shortly after that, I was staying at his house and he ran out. Again, the mood struck and I guess I was feeling lucky. He was running errands, I was upstairs in his bedroom and his bathroom had a closed off toilet room; I thought three doors, a bathroom vent, a floor fan, and two open windows could save me.
It could not.
My boyfriend walked in ten minutes later to find me adorably sprawled out naked on his bed (not in a sexy way, I take all my clothes off to reduce collateral damage), enjoying a summer breeze. It was then that he walked through his closed bathroom door and opened the second door to the toilet, and I heard a violent coughing. Immediately, my boyfriend burst back into his bedroom screaming “what the fuck was that baby!?”. He still talks about my “chemical bomb” to this day. He says I could be a terrorist.
On the bright side, that was a year ago and he’s since asked me to move in, I’ve also met his entire family, and we’ve looked at houses (with plenty of bathrooms). So there are ways to work past it.
ETA I asked my boyfriend how bad I am 1-5 and he immediately said 5. Then I read the descirptors to him and he looked at me like I’m deaf, then said “YEAH, FIVE”.
Apparently I’m so legendary, he likes to tell his friends about it (but only the friends I’m close to who I’ve personally made fucked up jokes with, I’m fine with him joking about it with this friend). So we’re sitting at breakfast and my boyfriend turns to our friend and says “oh, so downonmulberry blew it up last night”. Our friend turns and looks at me and I nod sadly. My boyfriend silently holds out his forearm and points, our friend chuckles and my boyfriend says “I’m not joking”. Our friend then chuckled again and said “yeah, last week my girlfriend shit a tree trunk”. I’ve also seen my boyfriend and brother joke about it before, saying things like “it’s either deer pellets or a fucking boa constrictor”. I’m sure somewhere in the world, my hateful offspring are terrorizing a river community or perhaps a harbor, or maybe roaming the sewers snatching up small animals that get too close to the sidewalk drains.