So tired.

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

LeonardLady :  You’re in an abusive relationship. He is not a “good guy”. He is not any of those positive things you led into this post with. He emotionally and mentally abuses you.

Post # 3
Member
2230 posts
Buzzing bee

Bee, none of this is okay. I know you say you don’t want a divorce and he’s great when he’s not being like this, but what you’re describing is emotional abuse. Getting irritated at your spouse is one thing, but throwing all their clothes on the front yard on a semi-regular basis is a totally different level of escalation. Saying he won’t “help you” pay for things — including food for your daughter — is cruel and vindictive. Walking on eggshells all the time is no way to live, and I guarantee your daughter observes more than you think she does. Set a good example for her and stand up for yourself. You won’t be “taking her father away” – he is responsible for his actions and he created this situation. Hugs, bee. You deserve so much better.  

Post # 4
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

LeonardLady :  my brother’s fiance could have written this. In fact I would think you were her if I didn’t look at your post history. I have advised her to leave him a million times. They have an almost 4 year old and for that reason she continues to stay. They finally set a date for their wedding and I don’t even know why she is marrying him. Your stories are so similar, right down to the student loan/car payment thing. He is totally abusive to her. He is not a good person because he works and cooks and cleans and takes care of adult shit. You are in an abusive relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Wow, I’m sorry you are going through this. This sounds like emotional abuse to me: the yelling, gaslighting, witholding affection, flat out ignoring you, throwing your clothes outside the house.

Acting this way in front of your daughter is frankly unacceptable, as it is going to damage her as well. She is right now witnessing this as an example of what a relationship should look like.

I would get yourself to individual therapy and start making an exit plan.

Sorry, Bee, I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to think about how this is going to affect your child as well. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like and you deserve to be treated better.

Post # 6
Member
3069 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

If you don’t want to see your daughter treated that way by a future partner, then you need to leave, at least until he agrees to go to counseling. If he refuses to go to counseling, stay gone. 

Post # 7
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Ah this whole situation sucks. It sounds like you are willing to try work on the relationship and move forward but your husband clearly isn’t. That alone is a massive red flag. Perhaps more worrying is like PP I also think your husbands actions are abusive. I’m sorry to say the hurt you feel now will be nothing compared to the harm this situation will cause if you allow if to continue. People who are emotionally abused in this way literally have the energy, life and all happiness drained from them. If you’re not already I imagine you could end up very depressed. If he really isn’t going to help pay for the bills you could end up losing your home. This will all impact on your daughter. Long term impact she will think its okay for men to abuse women in this way. That being angry and mistreat by a loved one is normal, acceptable even. A saying comes to mind, you can’t change other people only your response to them. I think this is very apt in this situation. I’m not saying you have to divorce but unless your husband is willing to change then you are going to have to be the one to take action to protect you and your little one. Talk to your friends and family, get some support round you xx

Post # 8
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee

You need a divorce.  Being nice sometimes is a hallmark of emotional abuse.  Most people wouldn’t stay if the abuser wasn’t occasionally nice.  He’s occasionally nice to keep you around.

Post # 9
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Sounds abusive. I’m sorry. It can’t be easy, but I think the answer would be to get out and find someone who treats you in a way that makes you feel good and consistently valued. I have found it’s very hard to unlearn behaviors when you grow up around a dynamic like that. It has a profound effect on both you and the child.

Post # 10
Member
3904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Go to therapy alone, for yourself, to build up the strength you need to leave this extremely abusive situation. Do it for your daughter if you don’t want to do it for yourself. 

Post # 11
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

Just because you are unfulfilled in your job does not give you the right to treat the mother of your child, your wife, like this. These mood swings sound like they could have some component of chemical imbalance/mental illness.  This absolutely is abusive and you do not deserve to be treated this way, nor should your daughter have to live in an environment where her mother isn’t treated the way she deserves to be. This has red flags all over it. If I were in that situation,  I would absolutely leave until he got the proper help he needs to be the husband and father you and your little girl deserve. 

Post # 12
Member
29 posts
Newbee

This is definitely an abusive relationship. Of course he has his good moments and knows how to put a show on in front of other people because if he didn’t you would have left him a long time ago. 

Go to therapy by yourself. Do not go with him! He will put on his nice guy act for the therapist and it will make you feel like you dont need therapy and your relationship is fine…when in reality it is terrible.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Post # 13
Member
5312 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

1- He may not EVER speak to you “however he likes”, whether or not your daughter is there. That is not okay.

2- Your husband being stressed about work and financially unfulfilled is not an excuse to treat you like shit. (it could be that he can’t get another job because people can sniff out his abusive/unstable tendencies)

3- As others have said, this behavior is abusive and you need to put and end to it right now, since he clearly isn’t going to do so.

Post # 14
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Hey you know how when you get really bad period cramps, then when it finally stops it feels so pleasurable, even though it’s just an absence of pain? That’s why you feel like your husband is still a “good guy” when he’s not “in one of his moods”. 

Spoiler alert he’s not. A good guy that is. If you could make cramps go away forever, wouldn’t you do that? Or would you be like no I wanna have that every month so I can feel that good feeling after I finally wait it out? Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

Post # 15
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Yes, I whole heartedly agree with PPs that you are in an abusive relationship. None of this is ok or normal. And no, he’s not a good father. Treating a child’s mother this way does massive psychological damage to the child.  And this behavior could escalate further as the child gets older. Instead of seeing your child as a reason to stay you should be viewing her as your reason to leave.

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