So tired.

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 16
1129 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ask yourself this…. if he isn’t willing to go to counseling, are you willing to let your daughter grow up thinking that it’s okay for daddy to speak abusively to mommy? She’s going to think that’s normal and likely get into an abusive relationship herself.


Divorce seems like the only option. For me at least. 

Post # 17
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If he won’t go to counseling, go yourself. Even if it’s online like BetterHelp. You need to figure out why you let someone talk to you/act like that towards you, and establish firm, immovable boundaries that if he steps one toe over the line, you’ll end things.

I say that because it’s hard to go from 0 to divorce, and talking through that will help you establish you are doing the right thing, and accept that he is NOT respecting the person he’s supposed to love and show the most respect to, his wife.

Post # 18
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Go to counselling by yourself if you can. He is being emotionally abusive and manipulative. Children normalize this type of behaviour, and it’s very likely if this continues that she will end up with someone abusive when she is older. 

For the sake of your self-esteem, your health, and you and your child’s well-being, you need to get into a healthy relationship. 

Post # 19
13903 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.  Your husband is absuive and you really need to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation. 

Post # 20
2117 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry, Bee. I agree with PP’s, he is not a nice guy. He’s not even a decent human, he is a manipulator, gaslighter and abusive indiviual.

I was married to someone very similar to your DH. I walked on eggshells for YEARS, because I never knew what would set him off. Or rather, the list was so exhaustive of the things that WOULD set him off, that I avoided him altogether. We’d have an incident, he’d “punish” me by not talking to me, withholding things like finances– help around the house– affection, he’d put me down in private and in public, call me things like stupid or ugly or fat, and then once he made his point– he was the nicest/sweetest/attentive husband. He’d buy me things, dote on me to friends or on social media, give me just enough to question leaving him.

Spoiler alert, it escalated to physical abuse and I did leave him. Never looked back, got on my own two feet, met and married a REAL man who IS the nicest, most wonderful, supportive and amazing partner and now we have a child together and I couldn’t be happier.

My advice is to seek therapy for yourself, get your mental ducks in a row. Then when you’re ready, formulate your exit plan. Because trust me, you WILL end up leaving this guy– better to rip the bandaid now.

Post # 21
94 posts
Worker bee

It occurs to me that if a woman were exhibiting this kind of behavior she would definitely be labeled “hormonal” or “unbalanced”. It is absolutely not normal for men to be aggressive like this, no matter what society teaches us, and it is absolutely not something you have to put up with because you are married to him and have a child with him. How long did you know him before you were married? Is this behavior relatively recent (a reaction to “stress?) or has he always been like this? This person clearly needs help, but more importantly so do you. It is vital that you seek assistance from an impartial third party like a therapist and take steps to get you and your daughter to a safe place, regardless of whether he chooses to help himself.

Post # 22
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Make plans to leave. Gather financial resources in secret, even if its getting $10 cash back every time you buy groceries to hide in an envelope. Know what you’d take. 

Post # 23
382 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
LeonardLady :  This is not a healthy relationship. This is an abusive relationship. He is not acting like your husband. He is acting like a shitty roommate. You are married and splitting costs for things? WTF. And one more thing… masters degree but works custodial because that’s all he can get? Give me a break. The recession is over. The economy has recovered. He needs to get his lazy ass around and find a better job that supports his family and stop taking his insecurities out on you.  

Post # 24
3558 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

He’s abusive. Don’t stay, Bee. Your daughter is exactly the reason you have to go. Don’t let abuse be her understanding of relationships. She deserves better than a father who abused her mother.

Post # 25
977 posts
Busy bee

oh wow your husband is an a$$hole. 

Post # 26
9 posts
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

If nothing else, please leave this man for the sake of your daughter. I cannot emphasize enough how damaging it is for a child to witness this. My father was like your husband.  My earliest memories are of my father raging at my mother. To this day, if I hear someone yelling, I feel physically ill. And yes, there were plenty of times he acted like “a great guy.” He died this past summer and all I heard at his funeral was how wonderful he was. I do not remember him as a wonderful man. 

I’m so sorry that you are forced to make this decision. I’m so sorry that the man you love and made a life with is treating you this way. It’s possible he may be able to be a better father if you co-parent while happily divorced rather than in a strained marriage. Please don’t worry about taking your daughter’s father away from her- if he’s a decent father he will stay involved. 

Post # 27
7307 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

He. Is. Abusive. 

Get into therapy by yourself if you cannot or refuse to see it. It is blatantly obvious.

I would say that if you are REALLY determined to stay with him, have a temporary split and tell him he can work on his issues with a professional or you will not come back. If he refuses, leave NOW. Things will not get better; without professional intervention they will inevitably get worse and your daughter will see and hear much worse. This isn’t safe for either of you.

Post # 28
1893 posts
Buzzing bee

Start making preparations to leave now while you still have some energy. If you think you’re drained now, just wait til things get worse and he escalates…(but really please don’t wait)

Bee, please seek help now. Do it for the sake of your child. I know you don’t want to leave, but you’re going to have to if you want you and your child to be safe. With the way he is already abusing you, it is very clear that things are not ever going to get better

Post # 29
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Is he depressed?

Post # 30
15040 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I rarely jump on the abuse and divorce train, but nothing about what you said is normal and the relationship doesnt sound like it’s worth continuing imo.  You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells 24/7.  You shouldn’t be afraid to have to shield yourself and your daughter from him for fear of him tossing your stuff out.  What if you did the same to him to spite him??  What would he do then?  Has he ever gotten physical?  I fear he’s just a stones throw from being physical if “you did the wrong thing and made him do it”.  You shouldn’t be in a no win situation about cleaning or anything.  Get you and your child away from this bullshit.

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