Post # 1
More mom issues. She’s on a Xanax trip, and her and my brother got into a fight, where she shoved him and he shoved her back. Both of them ended up getting sent to jail for domestic violence. (I wasn’t there for any of this- I was in class).
We managed to get her bailed out in less than 12 hours, and the first thing she did was start fights with both me and my sister. She’s pissed because supposedly my sister refused to help her get out. Now, I don’t particularly like my sister most the time, but my sister currently has 2 kids and a minimum wage job and can’t afford to randomly drop $250 on bail money. So now Mama is refusing to help her out with the girls before or after school.
Then she started on me, bursting into my room to ask me, “Well are you glad I shoved him?” I told her I was not getting into it, because I knew my true feelings- that violence is never the answer, if he was in her face screaming she should have just called the cops, and likely none of this would have happened if she weren’t on a pill trip and if she’d kicked him out one of the last seventy times they’d got into a fight- would not go over well. My non-commital answer that I wasn’t here and I wasn’t getting into it wasn’t enough; apparently now I’m “hateful” and she wishes all of her children would just “go away.”
I’ve dealt with comments like this before- she wished I wasn’t her daughter, etc etc- and honestly? They still hurt. A child should never, at any age, feel unwanted by their parents. In the past I’ve tried to be the peacekeeper and smooth things over and it never got me anywhere; now when I try to stay out of it I’m still the bad guy. I don’t know what to say or what to do.
She’s also apparently mad because I wasn’t all worried over her. This is the third (fourth?) time she’s been to jail that I can recall, and it’s certainly not the first time her and my brother have fought or the cops have been called. If I got all worked up and worried everytime it happened, I’ve pretty much have generalized anxiety since a huge blow-up happens on average once a week. And I’m sorry, but I’m not on her side- she put her hands on him first, and unless he was just wailing on her and fighting back was the only way she could get out of it, I don’t believe in using violence against someone. Yeah, it’s high time they finally got a restraining order against my brother, but I’m not gonna pet and coddle her like she’s a victim.
I’m sorry, bees. I’m just pissed and upset and hurt and I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
@ForeverBirds: So sorry to hear that. My family knows better than to call me for bail money because even if I have it, that ain’t what I’m using it for! Anyway, I can tell you from experience that it is much easier than you think to just distance yourself. Once crazy people realize you aren’t going to play their games, join their drama, give them money, or let them use and abuse you, they quit bugging you! It’s sad to feel this way about family, but I see it as self-preservation. I can keep them in my life and end up killing myself, or I can cut them off and actually enjoy living. It’s amazing how free you feel when you’re not responsible for everyone else’s happiness or lack thereof.
Post # 4
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Your attitude about not victimizing her is the exact attitude you should have. My last job was at a women’s prision and I can’t tell you how hard it is watching families of inmate’s give into the manipulation. Because that’s all it is. She knows she was wrong, otherwise she wouldn’t be trying to validate it through you! And she’s further trying to manipulate you by calling you names when you don’t give her the validation she wants to feel like she’s “normal”. Because, frankly, she isn’t normal. No one who depends on drugs to function is normal and deep down, they know it. Please, try your best not to take her words personally, because I don’t think she truly believes what she’s saying. She’s just making up faults about everyone else so she can hide from her own.
Is there any way you can distance yourself from her for now? Are you still living at home? If so, can you stay with a friend? I am very sorry you’re in this situation. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me and I will try to help. I am sure you’ll get great advice and support in the responses!
Post # 5
@ForeverBirds: Ugh!!! I can totally relate. My mom is xanny loving idiot too (who also drinks and does drugs) and it wasn’t until I went to therapy for it that I learned what the answer was: set boundaries.
You can only define what your boundaries are for yourself (for me it was terminating the toxic relationship with my mom). Another good tip is a book I was told to read: The Child Within.
You have every right to be pissed…let it out! I’m so sorry this is happening 🙁
Post # 6
My head hurts from crying 🙁 I hate this. I’m just so tired of being made to feel like I’m unloved over petty shit. I don’t believe a parent should ever make their child feel unwanted, and she’s done that to me time and time again. And people wonder why I don’t feel the need to have a close relationship with her. Why should I keep trying to be the perfect daughter for a mother that doesn’t love me? I’m sooo ready to get through school and move out.